Still Alone

Dorothy was on to something

2011-07-24T23:38:00.000-04:00

There really is no place like home.

I've always considered myself somewhat of a rolling stone. While most of my family and friends have lived in the same state all their lives and rarely leave it, I left home at the ripe old age of 17 and began a journey of not living in the same state for more than a year or two that has lasted nearly a decade now (damn, I'm getting old).

I spent summers traveling to different countries, and then traveling all throughout those countries; I picked up my whole life and moved from one coast to the other on a whim. I pride myself on being a "road warrior", having spent the night in over 40 states, and never needing even a day's notice to be ready for a weekend adventure to another timezone. I even joined the military with the (completely idealistic) notion that traveling and relocating would be part of my contractual obligation. Traveling is the only passtime I can ever think of when I fill out a questionnaire that asks "What are your hobbies?" Because, sadly, I do nothing else exciting or fulfilling with my life.

And while I always came home after a month or three away, I always thought the only thing I was missing was my family (and friends). So three years ago, when my parents (and nephew) relocated to Dallas from Richmond, I started to consider "home", their new house.

After all, home is where the heart is, right? And I know my heart belongs to a little boy in a wheelchair, so when I thought I was feeling "homesick", I figured I was just missing him.

But recently, it occured to me that the feeling I had been experiencing all that time wasn't homesickness at all. I was feeling "whatever the noun is for really missing someone who's not at home". ~~They really need to make a good noun for that.~~ Homesickness. is what I'm feeling right now.

It's been 1 year and 4 months since I've stepped foot in the state of Virginia. And for the most part, I've seen many of the people I used to go "home" to see within that time frame (although there are many I have not seen and miss terribly). What is really making me heartbroken to the point of figurative illness is this longing I have for the smells, the tastes, the feelings, the sounds, the general existence of being in the place from which I came. The place that made me who I am today. The church I was raised in, the preacher I grew up with, the streets I ran down, the restaurants I ate at, the familiar faces I got used to, the house(s) I grew up in, and every other prepositional phrase that the teachers who taught me in the schools that shaped me would shake their finger at me for using in succession like that. I. miss. home.

There's something really essential to the healing of our souls in not only remembering where you come from, but in every once in awhile, going back there. And I'm thinking it's about time - as a matter of fact, it's way overdue - that I go home.

Homesickness is a real thing. And it has a lot to do with the PEOPLE you call home. But it also has to do with the PLACE you mention when people ask you, "Where are you from?"

There's no place like home.

Isn't it ironic that I had to come to Kansas to figure that one out? =)

525,600 Minutes

2011-02-08T15:12:00.011-05:00

I haven't even looked at this site in about 3 months, but something inside told me to sign on here today. Now I know why.

It has been exactly 1 whole year since I last posted on this blogsite.

In a way, it makes me sad. Sad, because this is something near and dear to my heart, and I feel like I've abandoned it. I feel like a mother who gave her child up for adoption when he was 2, only to come back when he's 3 and say I'm clean now and want him back. Call me Halle Berryyyy. Okay, I'll stop.

But seriously. I feel like I have no right to come back to this place. Like I'm not welcome here anymore. Yet something, somewhere deep in my heart is pulling me back. So here I am.

365 days.

I have learned a lot in the past year. I've gone through a lot of changes, physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. In a lot of ways, I'm tougher, more strong-willed, and more determined than ever. Yet overall, I feel a peace that has come over me. One that comes with the realization that I have really begun to find my place in this world. The understanding that it doesn't have to be ME against THE WORLD. But in fact, I am just a tiny part of the universe that is within me. If that makes any sense (it doesn't).

I have all these lessons learned and mentalities changed and words of wisdom to share withput out into the blogosphere here today. But I feel like as a mother who's attempting to reclaim my child, I should probably sit in the room for awhile and see if he comes to me rather than just try and take off with him, kicking and screaming.

So here I am. If you'll have me. I will continue this conversation over the next couple of days.

But for the record, it's good to be back. =)

Dating is a mother

2010-02-08T00:06:00.003-05:00

Okay, maybe mothers are a little more complicated (and crazier) than the dating realm, but it comes in a close second.

It goes like this…

You meet someone. You exchange numbers. You agree to meet up and hang out. You say all the right things. You're reading their body language, trying to figure out if they're into you. OR you keep checking your phone, trying to think of an excuse to run away fast if they're intolerable. But for this purpose, let's just focus on the date going fairly well. You walk to your cars, hug, maybe a kiss on the cheek, and part ways. The next morning, you start with the phone checking. Did they text last night to say they had a nice time, or they made it home safely? Will they call and ask to hang out again today? You replay the entire date in your mind, everything you said, everything they said. As the day goes on (or week), you start to think about all the things you might have done or said to make them not interested. Were you too aggressive? Too passive? Did you have something stuck in your teeth? Did they hate your outfit? Were they bored? Did you talk too much? Not talk enough? You start to set up scenarios where you might call them or text them, and what you would say to open up the lines of communication without seeming too crazy or pressed. You send a text message, asking how their day is going. They don't respond. Or they do respond and keep it short. You set up equations and time limits. If they don't call by next Friday at 5pm, you call them and see if they answer. If they don't return your call by 9pm, you erase their number and keep it moving. But what if they do answer? Do you add another 3 days to your equation? Do you plan to casually bump into them some place you know they frequent, making sure to look your best? Do you give up completely? And anyway, what the hell did you do wrong to make them not interested in the first place?!?!?

I know some of that seems extreme, but I promise every single one of us has done at least one (if not all) of these things at some point after a first or second date. The dating "game" is a complex and confusing situation. It causes more anxiety in young singles than STD and pregnancy tests combined. Those of us who think we've mastered the art, if we really took a step back and examined our abstract masterpiece, we'd realize it's some shit a 5 year old could do. And those of us who realize we're clueless, well, sadly, in general, are clueless just to how clueless we really are.

We want answers. We want equations. We want dos and don'ts that work every time. We need to know exactly what to do or say to get someone's attention, and the plan thereafter to keep it. And for the most part, there are equations that work for short-terms goals. You want them to like you, here's what you say. You want them to have sex with you, here's what you do. We watch the shows, read the books. We have the game all figured out.

I once had a guy invent the most fictitious representation of reality that never existed, just because he knew enough about me make himself what he thought I wanted in a man. I have 2 degrees from 2 prestigious universities; he said he had one from a prestigious university. I have no kids; he said he had no kids. I have a good-paying job; he said he had a steady income. I've never been married; he said he's never been married. I love Jesus; he pretended to be a devout Christian. I could probably go on for days, but you get the point, and I imagine you can also guess that after a month or so, everything began to unravel and I found out that about 90% of that was completely made up on the spot.

I felt dumb, but at the same time, it made me think about all the times I've stretched the truth to make myself more desirable to a man. Maybe not to such extremes, but I've definitely pretended to be more interested in, say, basketball, than I actually am. I've acted more religious, or less religious, based on what he seemed to expect out of a woman. I pretended like I read a lot of books if I needed to seem more intellectual. If I was attracted enough to a guy, I knew what to say to get his attention. I know enough about cars, sports, and hip hop music to sound like the type of girl every man wants. But (with the exception of college football and American muscle), those are not the things that really get me going. And all the while, I'm setting this whole relationship up for complete and utter failure.

Because eventually, I'll grow weary of pretending to be something I'm not. And eventually, he won't be able to maintain his act any longer. The chips will fall down, the masks will come off, and you will be left with someone you don't even know in them and someone you don't even recognize in yourself.

So what's the solution? How do we keep this from happening from the beginning?

Well I got some advice this morning that pretty much changed my entire approach. The advice, from a very intelligent and very missed friend of mine I like to call Henry the V, was simple – change my approach.
Instead of going into a dating situation trying to get someone to like me, my goal should be to find out whether or not I like them. Instead of thinking of all the right things to say or do to make myself more desirable to them, I should be interested in whether they're desirable to me. Because if we really took the time to learn a person, instead of focusing so much on whether they're interested in us, 9 times out of 10, we'd probably realize we're not even all that interested in or compatible with them, and it'd save ourselves a lot of heartache and disappointment.

So on date number one, our GOAL should not be to impress them or make them like us; our goal should be to find out more about them. From that point, or goal should be to be honest with ourselves and them, and decide whether or not this is someone who, just as they are, would get along with and accept us just as we are. If not, it takes all the pressure off of why they haven't called, why they're ignoring our texts, or why they're not interested. Because we're not longer interested in them being interested in us. And since we don't really know enough about them to know for sure whether we're truly interested in them, it's no harm, no foul to move forward and find someone else with a mutual compatibility.

So that's the secret. It's simple, but when I think about it, it's not something anyone has ever told me before. I thought I knew all the tricks, all the things to say, all the things to do or not do, what comes off as crazy, what turns them off, what makes them sprung. But no one ever told me to stop trying to do all the right things, and just be myself and focus on what they have to bring to the table.

I feel like I have a whole new lease on dating. And of course I don't think I can just change all my bad behaviors in one day, but I do feel a bit of a load lifted, and I feel like I have a new mindset that might just change everything.

So I wanted to share it with you. Those of you who are out there dating (and as more of my friends keep getting engaged and married, I'm realizing that number is decreasing), stop checking your phone, stop making timelines, and quit with all the expectations. Don't change anything about yourself to get someone's attention. Change your approach. Change your long term and short term goals. Stop worrying about whether they like you, and focus on whether or not you really like them.

I imagine it will change your life.

It ain’t preachin’ if you got Him

2010-01-21T22:57:00.010-05:00

Yes, I turned an annoying hip hop anthem about prostitution into a religious proclamation. I can do that.

I was reading a post on my favorite site about a blogger's journey back to God, and it seemed to me that a lot of commenters were in agreement about a central idea: that going around "preaching" to everyone you come across often inspires just the opposite of the intended effect, and pushes people even further away from Him. And while I agree that the best way to show God's love is to display it through your character and actions "so they will see your good works and glorify our Father in heaven", I have also come to realize that (the first part of that quote is) "a city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden." And while pushing Jesus down someone's throat is never the ideal approach, I'm starting to see that the notion of "preaching" is solely based on the reception of it to those around you.

In other words, I'm just bragging about my perfect husband; you can take it any way you want to.

Furthermore, the common opinion seems to be that a person ought to be perfect in order to talk to anyone about God. If they know your flaws, then all you're proving is how much of a hypocrite you (and most Christians) are. I'm not exempt from feeling this way at some point in my life.

Yet this past Sunday, I woke up after a night of partying entirely too hardy in Austin, and numerous individuals informed me that I was telling everyone how much I love Jesus the night before (in several different languages). I don't remember most of it, and at first I was really embarrassed and disappointed in myself because I felt like a drunk person wearing a huge cross pennant and telling people about Jesus was not only incredibly stupid, but also probably validated everyone's opinion that all Christians are hypocrites. But after I thought about it for awhile, I just had to laugh. I laughed because I realized that even in my drunken state – even when I didn't know what I was talking about, and when I could only be honest because the Truth serum was flowing all through my veins – the number one thing on my mind was none other than the Love of my life.

And however anyone else perceived it was their problem, not mine.

When I look back, I realize that most of the time I accused someone of "preaching" to me (when I was in-between faiths), they were actually just telling me how wonderful God had been to them in their life, and I took it personally so I wouldn't feel so guilty or closed-minded for not believing. And every time I've been accused of shoving Jesus down someone's throat (don't even entertain that), I was usually just talking about how much I love Him and how my life has changed ever since He found me. I didn't tell anyone to go to church. I've never told anyone to read their Bible or confess their sins and be saved. I've never done any of the typical Jesus-pushing – because I've always acknowledged that in the same way that I never listened to anyone else until it was my turn to hear it, everyone has to make their own choices and live their life according to their own free will.

But in the same breath, it only took one person telling me about their journey in faith to make me examine my own. So what if God entrusts me with the task of telling my story to someone at the very moment He opens their heart to it, and I pass it by out of fear of offending them? How has our desire to be politically correct and inoffensive somehow surpassed our longing to please God? Because it shouldn't. Because at the end of the day, when everything else fades away and everyone else has disappeared, the only thing that matters is what we do for Him. I'm not talking about converting people or knocking on doors or shouting Bible verses from street corners. I'm just talking about letting your light shine before man.

If you feel like I've been trying to convert you all this time, please understand that is not my intention. I talk about Jesus most of the time because I'm in love. I try to fit Him into every conversation, I try to bring Him up when no one was even talking about him. He crosses my mind, and it makes me blush. He brings me sunshine, and I can't stop smiling. I don't want you to know about Him because I want you to have Him for yourself (though I am willing to share); I want you to know about Him because you just happen to be listening or reading or just in the vicinity of my presence, and I just want to brag about my boo to someone for a little while. If that means I offend you, then I guess that's your burden to bare, cuz I'm not gonna hold it in anymore. If that means we can't be friends, then I guess I have one less friend (or reader), but that's just a risk I'll have to take. If that means you're sitting there thinking if you hear or see His name one more time, you're gonna strangle me and burn the next church you see, then guess what? Jesus.

I love Him. That's all. It just isn't about you.

Jesus is the light of my world.

And I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Christians can be really stupid

2009-12-01T13:35:00.011-05:00

Well, I guess anyone can be stupid. But as of late in the days of President Barack Obama, I’m starting to get really annoyed by so-called Christians who follow our religion so blindly that they hate or wish death upon individuals in the name of Christ.

Namely, the dumbest Christians these days are the ones who are praying for the death of the President. Perhaps the most famous of these individuals is an Arizona pastor named Steven Anderson who has been encouraging his congregation to pray that Obama will die “of natural causes” like brain cancer. Yeah.

Yet he is not the topic of this discussion. It was easy for me to ignore random stupid people that don’t affect my daily life. But recently, I have been seeing bumper stickers all over Texas (go figure) that say “Pray for Obama: Psalm 109:8”, and I wondered where all these good Christians were when the election was taking place. But then when I finally came across an article which explained the meaning of the slogan, I was disappointed (yet not surprised) once again. The verse reads, “May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership.”

Go figure. But that still wasn’t what disturbed me. What caused me pause was what immediately follows that verse. “May his children be fatherless and his wife a widow. May his children be wandering beggars; may they be driven from their ruined homes. May a creditor seize all he has; may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor. May no one extend kindness to him or take pity on his fatherless children.”

I know what the Bible huggers would say. “We only meant verse 8 for him. I never even read the rest of the Psalm.” Yet aren’t these the same people who accuse left-leaning Christians of being hypocrites and only taking part of the Bible to heart while ignoring the rest? Isn’t this the same thing they are doing when they rock this t-shirt or sport this bumper sticker?

So, let us be good Christians and read the entire chapter of Psalm 109, shall we? I think we shall…

It starts by saying: “Oh God, whom I praise, do not remain silent, for wicked and deceitful men have opened their mouths against me; they have spoken against me with lying tongues. With words of hatred they surround me; they attack me without cause. In return for my friendship they accuse me, but I am a man of prayer. They repay me evil for good, and hatred for my friendship.”

Hm. It sounds to me that the person reading the Psalm is the one being attacked and accused, while the people they are praying about are those who speak evil and wish harm against them. Since I can’t remember Obama ever really slinging mud at his opponents, it seems to me that when people pray this prayer, the person they are actually wishing death and despair upon is staring at them in the mirror. Let’s examine this further.

“He loved to pronounce a curse – may it come on him; he found no pleasure in blessing – may it be far from him. He wore cursing as his garment; it entered into his body like water, into his bones like oil. May it be like a cloak wrapped about him, like a belt tied forever around him. May this be the Lord’s payment to my accusers, to those who speak evil of me.”

“Pronounce a curse” – that sounds to me like praying that someone dies of brain cancer. These verses seem to indicate that when you wish a curse on someone, it will deflect and turn back onto you. That wishing someone’s children be fatherless might, in fact, leave your own wife a widow. Wishing harm on someone else’s body might enter your own body “like water”, as God promises to repay those who carry out evil in His name. Yet the chapter goes on.

“I am an object of scorn to my accusers; when they see me, they shake their heads. Help me, Oh Lord my God; save me in accordance with your love. Let them know that is it Your hand, that You, Oh Lord, have done it. They may curse, but You will bless; when they attack, they will be put to shame, but Your servant will rejoice. My accusers will be clothed with disgrace and wrapped in shame as a cloak. With my mouth, I will greatly extol the Lord; in the great throng I will praise Him. For He stands at the right hand of the needy one, to save his life from those who condemn him.”

Wow. I don’t even have to explain that one. This is what happens when you actually read the context of a verse, rather than just repeating it in vain.
Those of you “Christians” who really want Obama’s days of leadership to be few, it seems to me that your best defense against him would be to pray for Christ’s discernment upon him, and then if you’re still not satisfied, go out and vote Republican in 2012. But praying for his death or wishing ill will upon him will only bring that curse upon yourself.

My grandma used to always say, when you point your finger at someone else, three more are pointing back at you. Well it seems to me that when you point a Bible verse at someone else, 29 more are pointing back at you, too.

Don’t be a stupid Christian.

I see colored people.

2009-10-27T20:39:00.006-04:00

No, seriously, I do.

When I was growing up, my parents were pretty racist. And by racist, I don't actually mean racist. I just mean they hated white people and tried to keep me from them as much as possible.

I keed, I keed. But truthfully, my parents always celebrated diversity and education, and tried to make it so that my siblings and I always saw successful people of color wherever we went. They did this so that we would know as children that regardless of what society might tell us, we could be anything we set our minds to. So since I can remember, I had black doctors, dentists, surgeons, and specialists. My parents’ closest friends were all successful black entrepreneurs, educators, and professionals, and every chance they got to take me to a place where I’d meet people who looked like me and achieved great things, they seized it. I can almost say I had a really distorted view of reality because most successful people I knew were black. Almost, because my parents never put me in any special schools to separate me from the people in the area in which I lived, so I did get a glimpse of the “reality” of being a minority, as well.

Anyway, looking back, I’m really glad my parents raised me this way. When I tell other people about it, a lot of them argue that that was reverse discrimination, or that it gives children the impression that racism and glass ceilings don’t exist. But I don’t see it that way at all.

It’s not like my parents would continue to go to BAD doctors just because they were black (and the idea that I’d have to lower my standards to employ minority professionals is insulting and racist in itself), but they would give a minority first dibs. In my opinion, it’s what we should be doing as a culture anyway. Why do Jewish and Asian communities thrive so quickly and so efficiently in other countries like the United States? Because they support their own. But for some reason, most minorities (Blacks specifically) get it in their heads that black service is bad service, and we avoid the name “Sheniqua Brown” or “Jerome Taylor” if we’re looking for a new doctor in a new city.

Well, I LOOK for those names.

First, because I believe in supporting my own community (especially when I know many people – even black people – intentionally do the exact opposite). And second, because it’s reassuring, even in my not-so-young-and-impressionable age, to see people of color in an extremely educated and highly paid position. It keeps me motivated, even still, to achieve higher goals in life. To go back and get my PhD or become a vastly skilled professional one day. It reverts me back to my younger days, and makes me proud to look the way I look, despite what society or the media may indicate.

I see colored people.

Even if it means I have to venture into sketchy parts of town (in broad daylight – get over it) or share a waiting room with individuals of a lower social class (though that’s not necessarily the case). Even if it means I have to drive a little further, pay a little more (sike, I don’t do that), or take the *chance* on unknown services. Even if it means all my friends get on me for being racist and reverse discriminating.

I see colored people.

And my kids will, too. It doesn’t mean you have to, too. But at least ask yourself this question: Have you ever seen the name “Jahnetta Davis” in the phone book of professionals, and kept it moving? If so, would you want someone to look at your name (or picture) and judge you based on that?

Furthermore, if you have kids, do you think they KNOW for a fact that they truly CAN be anything they want to be? If not, do you show them people who look like them that HAVE achieved the types of goals they may want to achieve?

It’s easy to tell your kids “You can be President someday”, but to be able to point to our biracial President and tell your biracial kids the same is probably a lot more effective. Even better if they could go to The White House and shake his hand. The same is true for doctors, lawyers, and community leaders.

I see colored people.

Who do you see?

Send Me

2009-10-21T21:28:00.010-04:00

I went to this amazing concert last night. It’s kinda weird how it all happened.

One night about a year and a half ago, I was flipping through channels late at night, and for some reason, stopped at a channel that was playing videos. At the time, I didn’t realize they were Christian videos; especially since the video that had just started looked like your average rap/rock compilation and I couldn’t really tell what they were saying at first. But when I started to listen, not only was I impressed by the lyrical genius of both rappers on the stage, but I was moved by the words they were saying. When the final credits came on, I wrote down the names of the artists (Lecrae & Flame), and told myself to google them the next morning. When I did google them, I entered into a world I had never known existed before. Up until this point, every “Gospel rap” song I had ever heard was lame and was some wack stuff I could have written. Not only that, but I had always felt like “Christian rap” was a total oxymoron.

Yet these artists, along with the other artists on their label, were some of the most amazing rappers I had ever heard PERIOD – much less in the gospel genre. Every single one of them possesses a genuine skill in the art of lyricism, delivery, and beats; yet rather than rapping about sex, drugs, and money, they were talking about Christ.

What a concept.

So I found out a few of them were performing in San Antonio last night, and I decided to go. I’m not really sure what I expected. I guess I imagined I’d stay in my seat and listen to the word as if I were at church. But that wasn’t the case at all. The energy and love these people displayed for Christ was contagious, and before long, I found myself jumping up and down like I was at an Onyx concert and throwing my hands up in praise. More than that, I left the concert with a newfound realization of two very fundamental truths:

First, that God has bestowed certain gifts upon us that we should be using to glorify Him. Here I see these people who have the gift of music and spoken word, and they spend every day spreading the word, changing lives, and saving souls. They were given the same gifts as people who are millionaires right now talking about money, cars, and hos. Yet instead, they’ve humbled themselves to share the gospel. And here I am afraid of taking a pay cut in order to do His will. Talk about a pay cut! I know that I’m not doing anything with the gifts He has given me, and this money has left me unfulfilled.

Second, God has already chosen the most amazing and talented people to be on His team. It seems to me that the enemy uses the exact same strategies against God that He created for His glory. It’s as if the devil is not smart enough or strong enough to invent his own weapons, so he uses the same means that God invented to save us, but instead uses them to destroy us.

For instance, God created prophecy so that we might be prepared for attacks from the enemy, yet the devil uses this gift in many people (i.e. psychics, mind-readers) to instill fear or false hope in people. Another example of this is love. God created love as the greatest conqueror of evil, yet the devil uses earthly love to get us to idolize, lust, and avenge. Religion is probably the biggest form of this good turned evil. Created to bring us together as one to worship God, the devil has used this tool as a means to separate us, encourage hate amongst us, and brainwash and control our minds and spirits.

Music, for a lot of people, is beginning to take the place of religion. It’s the way we have come to approach, understand, worship, and even escape God and/or life. I think when God started to see the way the devil was using Religion against him, He invented a new means by which people could spread His gospel – music. Originally, most music was worship-centered and religious-based. Just looking at African American history alone, blues, jazz, rock and roll (rap/hip-hop/R&B’s predecessors) all originated from negro spirituals. Nowadays, this music is all centered around sex, alcohol, drugs, cars, and money. False idols the devil has put in place to keep us from fulfilling God’s purpose in our lives.

Yet God isn’t just sitting back and letting the enemy win. Not only is he enlisting the most talented individuals to join his army from the get, but he’s psyching the devil out by allowing people who were once Rebel generals to hit rock bottom and come over to Union. See Clifford Harris for further detail.

Not only that, but He’s giving those of us who remain indifferent, and who sit comfortably in the middle a chance to choose a side. By exposing us to the fact that we’re at war, He gives us the choice to either continue to be misled by the enemy’s lies or to pick up arms and stand with Him.

Perhaps this hip-hop revelation is the very battlefield that will commence The Revelation.

The time has come for us to decide:

Will we continue to blindly follow the way of the world, and listen to the words of a fallen angel?

Or will we be like Isaiah and stand before God, declaring, “Here I am. Send Me.”

Homewrecking is my favorite passtime

2009-09-28T21:30:00.008-04:00

No, truly, I have never done such a thing (to my knowledge, anyway).

But with all this hype about Alicia Keys breaking up Swizz Beatz’s marriage, a lot of women seem to be busting out the claws and pointing evil glares in the direction of A. Keys. In the past, I would have hopped right on that bandwagon; yet, in light of recent life incidents, allow me to rebut on Miss Keys’ behalf.

First of all, ladies, we ALL live in some glass houses. Hence, stone-throwing seems way out of the question. Most women have at some point seen a man in a happy relationship or marriage and caught themselves looking at him sideways and making some kind of comment along the lines of, “Why can’t I find a man like that?” when in reality, you mean, “Why can’t I have THAT man?” as Chris Rock once suggested. As women, our very nature is jealousy and competition, so seeing anyone with something we want, our first instinct is to prey.

Before you proclaim that “that’s not me”, allow me to point out that unfailingly, without question, every single time I’ve gone out with a remotely attractive guy friend (or just walked down the street with him), some complete stranger female has either glared at me, gave him the eyes, or flat out came up and talked to him the moment I turned my head in the other direction. So if that’s happening 100% of the time, then statistically speaking (and I don’t have to remind you of my job title), there are a lot more of you home-wreckin’-tendency-havin’ women out there than you might want to admit.

Second, if you haven’t been in A. Keys’ shoes, it’s even less advisable to chuck that boulder from within your crystalline home. It’s one thing to be the aggressor and actively pursue a married man. That’s trifflin’. But if a (remotely attractive – and even worse if he’s extremely attractive) married man comes at you consistently and persistently for an extended period of time, it gets more and more difficult to check that moral code of yours. Add to the equation, perhaps, that you and Mister were friends beforehand, you click on several different levels, you have common goals, a common social circle, etc., and see if you don’t find yourself “envisioning” the possibility that he might divorce his wife (for irreconcilable differences, of course, and having nothing at all to do with you) and just-so-happen to find his way into your arms after ~~one week of~~ extensive separation.

It’s a lot easier than you think.

That’s not to say it’s impossible to resist a married man that fits all those descriptions. For some people (like those who have experienced infidelity firsthand, or whose parents divorced due to the same), they might not even flinch. They can just walk away from that friendship completely guilt-free, knowing they didn’t so much as *think* about the possibility. But for most of us (screwed up human being-types), it’s not that easy. At the end of the day, I will reject married man after married man after married man, regardless of the situation. But am I so innocent that I have never found myself daydreaming, falling victim of flirtation, or even flirting back with a man who is otherwise engaged?

Yeah… no. Not at all. I’ve been that girl. And I consider myself a person with a pretty strict moral code. Yet I’m still not so stone cold that I don’t respond in some kind of way to someone’s attraction or attention to me, regardless of how far I will or will not allow it to go.

I mean, after all, I’m only human.

Lastly, we women are way too tough on our own kind. I never understood why there’s so much tension between blacks and Mexicans, when they could just team up and hate white people (if they really just had to hate someone). If we women want to hate on someone in this situation, first and foremost it should be the man. Again, I’m excluding women who flat out hard-core pursue married men (A. Jolie for instance). But for someone like Alicia Keys (who seems to otherwise be a genuine person), dang, can’t we give the girl a break? If we want to be mad at someone, why not Swizzy? I mean, if anyone knew his marital status, it was certainly him. And if anyone can be held responsible for a man stepping out on his wife, or leaving her for another woman, it is without a doubt the man himself.

And even then, refer back to point #1. Why do we want so badly to judge others when we don’t ever look at our own mistakes and failings? I think we all need to get our judgment tendencies in check.

After all, no matter how much Windex I use, it will never fix my broken home.

Love his Big Ego

2009-09-08T23:08:00.011-04:00

I got some interesting advice today from someone I hold to the highest regard, being a friend, somewhat of a mentor, and spiritual leader to me.

I was talking about how men tend to be intimidated – or rather – feel less adequate as a man around women who are intelligent, successful, opinionated, and educated (especially if it’s at a level equal or better than themselves). Of course this does not include all men; I know some guys who truly appreciate a woman who has it all together, even if it means they get outshined in some ways. But some – and I would venture to even say most – guys seem to want a woman to take a back-seat in a relationship, look up to him and his opinion, and in a lot of ways, give a man a sense of responsibility and leadership in life. In another words, he wants a woman to stroke his ego (no Beyonce`).

So my friend says this: Most women don’t know the secret. And the ones that do are the ones who end up with the good men. Not saying a woman should be submissive and have no opinions or ideas. Just saying that if a woman really wants to have a successful relationship, she has to know that sometimes, it’s best just to let him win. Sometimes you have to make him feel like it was his idea all along when you know you suggested it in the first place. Sometimes you just have to say “Wow honey, you’re so much smarter/stronger/better at this than I am. I dunno what I’d do without you.” And at the end of the day, deep deep down he’ll know you’re the better, but just thinking that you think HE is, is enough for him to want to keep your around.

And as much as I wanted to get on my post-modern post-structuralist feminist platform and curse him out about how his ~~Muslim total submission~~ ideals just set women back 50 years ~~or a few continents to the east~~, I bit my tongue and practiced his teachings by saying, “You’re right, Chap. Great advice. You're so smart. What would I do without you?” And after the blood rushed back through my body, I started to think about this.

In some ways, he has a valid point (and being that he’s an older, wiser man, I’m willing to consider it). A male ego seems to be a lot like a woman’s heart. We will never understand it, see its purpose, or agree to anything it needs. But at the end of the day, women who are most successful in relationships are the ones who do what they can to keep the male ego(s) happy. Guys will never understand the deep, emotional workings of a woman’s heart. But the ones that just bite their tongue and pretend to care about our feelings and do the things we need them to do or say to make us feel more “secure” in our relationship are the ones that we tend to keep around. Perhaps it’s the same for men with their egos. Perhaps the big secret IS to just suck it up (pause) and give it a little stroke (double pause).

I mean, granted, I can agree that a man is the leader of a household, and should therefore be the leader in a relationship, so in a way, I see how he would need to feel dominant. But can’t he feel good about himself in other ways (like, say, his bedroom performance or ability to change a tire)? Does it always have to come down to brains, careers, and money??

I don’t know. Because on the way home, I shared these opinions with my (less – uh - colorful) man friend, and he seemed to suggest the complete opposite was true. His opinion was that a man who needs a woman to make him feel better about himself and more secure in his masculinity was not a man at all, and certainly not worthy of a good woman. Most guys “he knows” want a woman to challenge his thinking, call him out on his stuff, and drive him both intellectually and physically. And even though I think some of these men are talking real big game to their guy friends and at the end of the day, really do want a woman they can dominate (no CB), I actually believe that what he’s saying is true also.

Which leads me to the big question: Is this “ego” problem merely a black/minority phenomenon or does it apply to all men? Is there something in black/Hispanic/Arabic culture that drives men to feel the need for a constant ego boost from a woman, or does this bleed through color lines? Does the constant degradation of black (and Hispanic) men in our society and the media cause them to look to other means to boost themselves back up? Are minority women bearing the burden of hundreds of years of oppression and damaged self-worth? Who is bearing OUR burden? SHOULD it be our job to dumb ourselves down or downplay our success/education in order to make a man feel better about himself? Or is it just catering to the complex needs of a man the way he (should) cater to our own?

I need some answers.

Guys, HONESTLY, do you tend to gravitate toward women who “wanna be saved”, or do you TRULY appreciate a successful woman, even if she’s more successful than you? Could you honestly be in a relationship with someone more intelligent, or who makes more money than you do?

Ladies, do you find yourself biting your tongue, and singing praises about your man’s “big ego” just to make sure he feels good about himself? Or do you, like me, find yourself single most of the time because you refuse to fall back when you know you’re right?

Don’t get me wrong… I love a big ego as much as the next girl. But is it really my job is stroke it???

You tell me.

Return to me

2009-08-13T21:56:00.005-04:00

When I think about all the time I lost,
All the people I hurt, all the pain I caused,
I think about everything I’ve done wrong
And how I’ve been astray for so long,
I begin to feel like there’s no way back;
Like I’ve used up all the chances I had.
And just when I think all hope is gone,
He’s standing there with open arms.

“Return to me,”
I hear Him say.
He says He’ll take the hurt away.
I know that I have caused Him pain,
But still I hear Him call my name.
I’ve tried so hard to put up a fight.
I went left when He said to go right;
And yet He still holds out His hand,
“Return to me,”
He says again.

So many times, He’s taken me back,
And set my feet on the right path;
I thought I had been born again,
Then found my way right back to sin.
And there I made the same mistakes,
And when he sought me, I hid my face.
I thought that it was just too late,
But He stood there with His saving grace,

“Return to me,”
I heard Him say.
He said He’d take the hurt away.
I knew that I had caused Him pain,
But still I heard Him call my name.
I tried so hard to put up a fight.
I went left when He said to go right;
And yet He still held out His hand,
“Return to me,”
He said again.

This time, I’m going to do it right.
I’ll walk the path of His heavenly light.
I won’t lose sight of His great plan.
I’ll hold on to His unchanging hand.
But if I fall back into sin,
I know he’ll pick me up again.
I won’t deserve it, but He’ll set me free
With these three words:
“Return to me.”

Stupid people are stupid

2009-08-11T20:28:00.004-04:00

My nephew came to visit me this weekend. We had an awesome weekend filled with non-stop action and fun. I love being around that kid because he showers me with genuine love and affection, and serves as a constant reminder that no matter how bad life gets, it could always be worse (and even still, he’d be smiling). He’s one of those rare kids that actually appreciates the little things in life, like sitting around playing cards or going for walks or just chatting quietly about whatever. One of those that you look up to because you realize that even as an adult, you don’t quite have the hold on life that he seems to grasp. And other people can see it, too, because everywhere we go, he seems to bring out the best in everyone around him.

On the other hand, hanging out with my nephew also tends to bring about a deluge of some very different emotions in me: like anger, sadness, and resentment. Sadness because I know how much it must hurt him to see kids running around and doing all kinds of things he’ll probably never do. Resentment because I wonder how someone so pure, so innocent, could have been dealt such a crappy hand. And anger, because going anywhere with a child in a wheelchair is the perfect opportunity to highlight the stupidity in stupid people.

Please allow me to acknowledge them now.

People who point/stare or do not check their kids for pointing/staring. Some of the worst beatings I can remember were for just that. And I’m thankful for parents who understood the necessity to break these habits in me. People act like my nephew can’t see them staring at him just because he’s in a wheelchair. He’s handicapped, morons, not blind. One time, this little girl came up and just stood right next to our table at a restaurant and just stared for like 5 minutes. Her parents didn’t even say anything to her, either. When she ran back to her table and slipped on some soda (that I had just spilled – oh, sweet irony) and fell on her butt and started crying, I chuckled quietly and wondered if I had actually willed that to happen. Teach your kids some manners, folks.

People who talk to 9-year old kids like their babies just because they’re in a wheelchair. I think this is my nephew’s least favorite stupid. Don’t you think he feels infantile enough that he can’t go to the bathroom on his own or bathe himself? Don’t you think someone who gets carried everywhere he goes already feels belittled? Now you want to talk down to him and make him feel even smaller because you don’t understand that physical disabilities are not the same as mental ones? And even if he did have a mental disability, he’s 9 freakin’ years old!! If I could bottle up the face he gives people who talk down to him, and market it and put it on a t-shirt, it would take the place of the middle finger as the international symbol for “F^@& YOU @$$hole”.

People who call physically disabled people “RETARDED”. Just typing that word increases my heart rate (not even exaggerating). I once had someone argue the point with me that “retarded” was the medically correct term for it. Really??? Mental retardation is my nephew’s diagnosis?? All this time I thought he had a physical disability, and you, with your bachelor’s degree have managed to prove nine years of doctors wrong. Thanks for clearing that up. Now that I know that’s the universal word for any type of disability, I’ll keep that in mind when you’re pointing, staring, and talking like a baby to my nephew; I shouldn’t be offended because you might just be “retarded.”

People who park in handicapped spots, and then walk perfectly able-bodied into a building. I don’t care whose car you’re driving, or what jack@$$ doctor actually signed the forms for you to park in the handicapped spot. I actually have a WHEELCHAIR to unload, which is what the handicapped spots are for in the first place. Every time I see somebody’s grandmother struggling in her walker from the back row while they park in the handicapped “just to run in real quick”, I want to Me, Myself, & Irene-style take a trashcan and slam it into their windshield. There are times when I can’t even take my nephew somewhere because there’s no place to unload his wheelchair. Once, I even had to unload it at the front of the mall, leave it there, and then park far away and carry him to the chair. All because of stupid people. And “running in real quick” is not an excuse to park in the handicapped spot, either. The fact that you have the ability to “run in real quick” negates the whole disabled thing. Take the extra 10 seconds and stop being a lazy @$$.

I may or may not be talking about you. If I am, good. Because the purpose of this entry is that I know not everyone is blessed with the opportunity to know someone that makes them think about things differently, and so I wanted to spread the wealth.

Have more compassion and education regarding people with disabilities. It could save you from a lot of bad karma. Just remember – when we take for granted the basic human rights that God has blessed us with, He will take them away. And I promise, your abilities mean more to you than you know.

Don’t be stupid.

All my single... Dads?

2009-07-30T20:48:00.006-04:00

In the near 25 years of my life until now, I can honestly say that I’ve probably met all of two single Dads, and I’m pretty sure both of them were single as a result of a deceased or mentally unfit wife.

I moved to San Antonio, and that number exponentiated. I now know of about 8.

Two of them are really close friends, which leads me to believe there are a LOT more out there that I just haven’t had the pleasure of meeting.

Now when I say “single Dad”, I’m not talking about someone who is SINGLE and has bastards. I know too many of those. I’m also not talking about someone who gets their kids on the weekend, or for one week out of the year. What I’m talking about are men whose exes are completely alive and stable, yet they have full custody of their children for at least 6 months out of the year (and most of them—my 2 friends included—have 100% full custody), and there is no other woman living in their home.

Now think about that for a minute. How many of these guys do you know?

I’m imagining that number is close to 0.

What I’ve noticed from becoming close to some of these extraordinary gentlemen is that the plight of the single Dad is so different from that of a single Mom. Granted, there are a lot of similarities. There are also some unintended bonuses: like that women actually think it’s HOT (for a short while) for a man to be a single Dad, whereas men don’t exactly flock to single Moms. I also imagine society (particularly the work world) probably tends to be a lot more lenient with single Dads because it is such a less understood phenomenon (i.e. single Dads are probably aloud a lot more leeway with coming in late, leaving early, and taking days off for the sake of their kids). Yet there are a lot of things that make the plight of a single Dad particularly admirable, so if you will, allow me to marvel.

Single Dads don’t have friends that are willing to watch their kids. I mean, yes, they probably have female friends, but one thing I’ve heard from my close single Dad friends is that usually, they are weary of letting close female friends be around their kids too much because they might get attached, or they might feel like the women are using their kids to get close to them. I never thought about it like that before, but it makes total sense. So if you only trust people of the same gender with your children (as most women do), you’re pretty much screwed. Because I don’t know a lot of men who will watch their homeboy’s kids for them while they go out on a date or run errands. So they end up scratching the dating game right off their list. Which leads me to my second point.

Single Dads find it harder to bring significant others around their kids. This isn’t to say that single Moms don’t do the same. But I think I definitely see the distinction here. Children with absent mothers tend to look for that womanly affection or comfort more adamantly than they look for guidance and protection from a father – usually the desperate need for father figures comes a bit later in life. For younger children, they need emotion, love, and comfort that generally only women can provide. So by bringing a woman around, you risk the chance of (both parties) getting overly attached, and if things don’t work out, it leaves a very messy situation.

It’s more difficult for single Dads to tap in to that “Mommy” side than it is for single Moms to tap into their “Daddy” side. What I mean is that our society does not encourage men to be emotional, expressive, tender, or vulnerable. So when the mother is out of the picture, a man has to take on roles that up until this point have been foreign to him. The traditional roles of a Daddy: protection, guidance, discipline, and strength, are a lot easier for a woman to take on because it is not dissuaded (as much) for women to have these traits in our society. So in a sense, women are somewhat built by nature (and nurture) to be able to handle single parenting; whereas men are most definitely not.

Single Dads have a lot less of an (emotional) support system in place than single Moms. I’m not saying it’s easy for single Moms. But most single women know other single mothers that they can talk to, and who understand what they’re going through. Even though I know 6 single Dads in this one city, none of them knows each other, and all of them say the same thing when I tell them I know a handful of other single Dads: “What?!? You mean there’s other guys out there like me?? And here I thought I was special…” Sounds like a joke, but I know it stems from a very difficult feeling of loneliness, and even resentment. Because it’s hard. There aren’t exactly a plethora of support groups built around single fatherhood. And if they talk about their vulnerabilities to anyone, they might think he’s weak or less of a man. Single Moms can cry every single day, have a nervous breakdown, seek counseling, and probably even commit herself, and no one will think anything of it because we all sympathize with the plight of the single mother (these days, most of us were even products of one). Yet if a single Dad shows one sign of weakness, he’s still just a man crying, and who wants to see that?

So… I’d like to take the time to give a shout out to all my single Dads out there handlin’ their business. Keep grinding. ;-) It’ll all be worth it in the end.

Now put your hands up, Uh uh oh Uh uh Oh oh oh oh Oh Oh oh.

I see you.

People here are nice

2009-07-21T23:24:00.007-04:00

This morning, I was running late for work (as usual) and (for once) the bus driver decided to wait for me before taking off. It was the last shuttle for another 15 minutes, and I was fully aware of that as I approached at a speedy pace.

Yet once I got on the bus, I noticed a line of people waiting to be seated, and I realized this probably meant seats were running low. To my chagrin, I was the last person left standing without a seat, and the driver started to glance in his rearview mirror, wondering why everyone wasn’t sitting down. It only took me a second to read the big sign in bold letters that said “ABSOLUTELY NO STANDING ROOM” and realize it was time to exit shuttle left. Without hesitation, a young man sitting down beside me scooted out of his seat and told me to sit there. I initially declined and started to make my way back to the front, when he grabbed my arm and said, “Hey, either you’re going to sit there or the seat’s gonna stay empty because I’m not sitting back down.” So I thanked him and obliged to sit in his seat. He squatted down in the back and tried to make it look like he was sitting in the back row. I know the bus driver probably noticed, but I guess he couldn’t get in trouble if it looked to everyone else like he was sitting down. So he took off, and for the duration of the trip, I was in complete and total shock over the fact that a complete stranger gave up his seat and squatted down for 15 minutes on a shaky charter bus just so I could get to work on time. I was overwhelmed.

All I kept thinking was what I should do in return. Give him a hug? Keep saying thank you over and over until he wished he hadn’t done it? Introduce myself?? Nothing seemed appropriate in this situation. He did a really amazingly nice thing, and I doubt he wanted any credit or repayment for it. He was just a nice person – or either he was just being a gentleman (because chivalry is not dead in the military for sure)—and anything I did would just take away from the simplicity of his random act of kindness. So I just thanked him again and enjoyed the ride to work.

But it got me thinking. I didn’t deserve that. I was late. I should have been there on time, and he could have stayed seated. I’m not a good person. Why should people be nice to me? I was so humbled.

I was also reminded that just yesterday, the cashier at the defac (cafeteria), who probably recognized my OCD, was curious as to why I did not get French toast that morning, and I told him they had run out. So he says “brb” and goes in the kitchen and gets me the last piece of French toast “so I don’t have a bad day”. Not only did he get it for me, he gave it to me for free.

And I was speechless. Again, moved by kindness. And again, undeserving.

I can think of so many situations where I've felt this way, especially since I’ve been here. Random strangers helped me move into my apartment (from start to finish) the day I got here. A random guy offered me tips on where to go, what to do, and how to get around the first day I moved in, and his advice has been priceless ever since. People give me free stuff, help me out when I don't even ask, and compliment me all the time (not just here), and I know I don’t deserve it.

The truth is none of us deserves anything good that happens in our lives. Which is why we always want to pay people back when they do something nice. Only there’s no way to pay someone back for a kind gesture without taking away from the random benevolence in it. What makes people feel good about doing something kind is knowing they did it without getting anything back. So the only way I can return the favor to the guy from the bus, or the cashier from lunch, or the people who helped me move in is to pay it forward. Someone was kind to me, so when the opportunity presents itself, I should do something completely selfless for someone else, and maybe they will feel compelled to do the same, and so on and so forth.

That’s what makes this a “nice” town. It’s not that people are just raised better here or the culture or stress level is different than everywhere else (though that might also be true). It’s merely the perpetuation of kind acts which allows for an atmosphere of graciousness and humility.

The beauty of kindness is that it only starts with one person, yet has the propensity to grow exponentially, as long as we nourish it and continue its cycle.

And it usually doesn’t even take something big. It’s as easy as complimenting someone’s outfit or haircut, or giving someone a hug, or telling them they’re appreciated. Sometimes even the smallest gesture can make a big difference on someone’s day – even sometimes the difference between life and death.

People aren’t nice here. Not anymore than they are anywhere else. People just tend to take opportunities for generosity when they’re presented with them. But that’s most likely because someone was nice to them, and so on and so forth, all starting back with just one.

That person could be you.

So make your town a nice town. Do something nice for someone today. :)

“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven…” –Matthew 5:16.

Lookin for Love

2009-07-16T19:32:00.007-04:00

I heard a startling statistic the other day. Someone said that 1 in 8 couples married last year in the United States met online. Now, as a statistician (hehe), I know that 7 out of 8 statistics are completely made up, and I’m pretty sure that’s one of them (as is that one). But even so, I happen to know of at least 3 couples that met through internet dating sites or random connections via social networking sites, and it seems to be a growing phenomenon despite, or perhaps in favor of, statistics.

I’ve thought about joining one of these dating sites once or twice – maybe even signed up for a free one just to check it out, and then deleted myself after like one day of not being impressed. And I certainly have friends that have actually paid for the eharmony’s or the match.com’s at hopes of finding Mr. or Ms. Right via PhotoShopped pictures and sound bite communication.

As for me, I have my doubts. Well, I should say reservations.

It’s not that I don’t think it’s possible to find true love on the net. I mean, I guess it’s not different from the old days when people (who were hooked up, I dunno, by their grandparents or something) would write each other for years and years and send pictures, and make this profound connection through merely words on a page, having never actually met. But in most of those situations, there was some other circumstance which allowed them to know of each other in the first place—like mutual friends or wartime correspondence. In any case, it feels more like fate when you didn’t seek out that person, but find them, instead, by chance.

So I guess my real issue with internet dating, speed dating, or any other thing we do to seek out a significant other, is that I feel like, in some weird way, we’re attempting to take fate into our own hands. It’s like I’m telling God, “Actually, You’re not doing it fast enough, so I think I’ll go ahead and find someone on my own, thank You very much.”

And in my experience, every time I try and take things into my own hands (in any aspect of life), it never seems to work out quite as well as when it happens just by chance. I have a sticky suspicion God's plans are just a little bit more perfect-er than my own. Which makes me pretty hesitant to do anything that even remotely resembles my own idea.

I guess on the other hand, one could argue that the reason they felt the desire to go to that particular dating site at that particular time was because they were meant to find that exact person there… Is it still taking fate into your own hands if you think fate is leading you to that site in the first place??

Maybe that’s a stretch, but I don’t think it’s any different than, say, going to a club or gym or even church with the idea in the back of your mind (I don’t do this, ya’ll – lol) that you could potentially meet the love of your life there. Just like dating sites, odds are PRETTY high that I won’t find my next great relationship in the frozen food aisle at Kroger (like my friend, whoever...), so what’s the real harm in going there with the hopes that I might?

I suppose the harm is that when I’m at any other (regular) place where people meet, I generally go there with some other intention other than to find someone to date. And even if that IS my first priority (like going to a bar, for instance), I’m probably getting something else out of it (like a fun night out) aside from those realized hopes. If I happen to pick up a guy, it’s just a bonus.

But when we seek out love, are we not setting ourselves up for disappointment in the end?? The internet allows for convenient omissions we might not have otherwise had the ability to avoid had we connected in person… So if we build this person (or ourselves) up to be something they’re not, in the end, will we not be sadly disillusioned?

Furthermore, wouldn’t it be better to know that love found you, rather than the other way around?? Where does the line between fate and free will get fuzzy??

I dunno, I’m just talkin…

Any thoughts??

Alphabet Soup

2009-07-13T18:37:00.004-04:00

Mmmmm, all this needs is a little Texas Pete.

So it’s been awhile. Okay, that’s probably an understatement. But if you knew how hectic my life has been (and how little internet access I’ve had) over the past 5 (geez) months, you’d be just a little bit forgiving. So 10-second wrap-up: I completed my thesis, exams, and earned a Master’s degree, took a road trip (or 3) across the country, got a job (HALLELUJAH!), rented out my house in Atlanta, moved to San Antonio (in 3 days flat), and started a brand new life in a city where I know absolutely 100% no one. Aannnddd breathe.

So before I get rolling with all the mentally constipated blogs that I’ve written in my mind over the past 5 months (which hopefully will be posted every couple of days over the next few weeks), there’s just one tiny thing I have to acknowledge out in the open just one time (since this is the place I’m supposed to come clean about things like this), and hopefully never again have to admit:

I was wrong.

Okay, lift your jaw up off the floor. I know, I know. It’s not something that happens very often (well, the admitting part anyway). But recently, I’ve had to take back some of the harshest words I’ve ever expressed, and it’s a lesson that I need to share.

So here’s the message; like to hear it? Here is goes.

God has a twerrific (what movie?) sense of humor.

He likes when you tell Him about your plans as if life’s actually going to go your way at any point. More specifically, He loves when you say things like “I’ll never do this” or “That will never happen to me,” because it just gives Him that much more incentive to make those things happen even faster.

The best part about God’s sense of humor is that He will not only make you EAT your words, but for extra fun, He’ll make sure you LIKE the taste of them. MmmmMMmmmmm, sweet regret. Tastes so good.

So two years ago, my Mom said she was moving to Texas, and my Dad decided to buy a house for her to live in. I cursed the grounds of that house. Cried about how they were moving to the ONE STATE I would NEVER live in, and when I got married and had children of my own (or bastards without the marriage), they would never know their grandparents just like I didn’t get to know my Tejano grandpeeps. I vowed to live on the east coast for the rest of my life. I am, after all, an east coast baby. Born and raised in VA, undergrad in PA, and grad school in GA. There was just no way. Furthermore, the dumbest, most backward, racist people (outside of Alabama) live in Texas, and I could never be a part of that society. Words, words, words.

Now for the feast. With my mom to Texas came my nephew; with my nephew came my sister. My brother had a daughter, and now, just based on pure mathematics (which is how generally I roll), I have more immediate family in the state of Texas than I do on the entire east coast. Damn you, arithmetic.

Furthermore, it only took a couple conversations with my nephew telling me he wants to move to Atlanta to live with me to realize I can’t spend another year missing him grow up. He is, after all, pretty much the only man in my life. The other man in my life (my Daddy) is retiring in one year and moving – you bet – to Texas.

All roads lead to hell (in a pick-up truck). Where the temperatures break 100 every single day, and there’s more pride (and prejudice) than a Jane Austen novel.

So here I am.

Now for the icing on the cake: I kinda like it here. San Antonio, anyway. My job is pretty awesome (especially given the “scenery” of men in uniform everywhere), the people are (generally) really nice, I the racial climate is actually not that bad, and the male to female ratio is probably the REVERSE of that in Atlanta (Thank you Jesus, and the U.S. military). Plus I love my apartment, the area of town I live in, the River Walk, and nightlife, and really I have no complaints (except the heat and – lack of – radio stations). It’s exactly where I think I should be, and where God wanted me, for that matter.

Because like I said before, our plans are pretty ridiculous in God’s eyes. Our words are just fuel for the eternal flame He has burning for our lives.

Yes, I moved to Texas, and yes, I like it here. Who knows what’s next in my life, but since I’ve been here, I’ve found myself eating more and more of the syllables and phrases I've uttered into existence all my life. I would share them all, but there’s honestly not enough room.

So lesson learned. You should learn from me, too. Always make sure your words are sweet like honey because you are certain to taste them in the future.

Back in the day, God would have withheld my entrance into the promise land for saying some slick mess out the side of my neck.

Thank goodness He seems to have since (the Old Testament days) developed a profound sense of humor.

Bon apetit!

Black girl, eat your heart out

2009-02-10T23:52:00.008-05:00

Let me start with a disclosure: this post does not apply to all black women.

But I can predict with 95% confidence (and as of today, I'm exactly 3 months from a higher-level degree in statistics) that if I'm not referring to you, then I probably am referring to someone you know. So take notes... (for them, of course).

About a week ago, I was reading one of my favorite controversy-stirring blogs, and observed an excess of virtual head-snapping and finger-waving taking place over the hot topic of interracial dating. I didn't comment at the time, but some of the arguments were infuriating me in a way by which I did not even realize I could be offended. After all, I usually straddle the fence for most racially-driven topics, being that I come from two very different cultural backgrounds. Furthermore, I always sympathized or identified with some of the arguments being made; even if I didn't agree with them myself, I could see where they were coming from on some levels. But suddenly it hit me, and I realized... I just don't feel that way at all anymore. In fact, I'm adamently against those sentiments, and I've decided finally to take a stand and clarify some things that might cause me to lose some friends - but that need to be said anyway.

So here goes.

Men don't just like me because I'm light-skinned and have long hair. And it's degrading to me that you seem to think so. I have so much to offer a man besides my looks and my ability to make pretty babies. I'm intelligent, vivrant, driven, fun, educated, positive, loyal, spiritual, and a host of other adjectives that make me more than worthy of a good man. Just because a man doesn't want you and does want me does not mean there's some visibly identifiable explanation you can utilize to make yourself feel better. I mean, if you want to raise your self esteem, you should probably try changing the things about you that men don't like, which is not your skin color or your hair. It's probably your stank @$$ attitude.

Mixed/Hispanic/other race/ and yes, even WHITE women are no "easier" than black women. Unless by easy, you mean NOT PETTY. But even then, we'd have to pull out the photo finish on that one. For some reason, some women get it in their minds that everyone else is just lying on their backs waiting for a man to come stick it in, while you, oh nubian princess, are just putting up way too many obstacles for a man to overcome in order to get the juice. The real hard truth is - sorry to inform you - the proportion of black women I know that will put out in a relatively short period of time is similar, if not equal to that of any other race. Furthermore, being in a relationship with ANY woman is a struggle. Ask yourself this: why do you make it so difficult for a man to keep you satisfied, anyway? What are you trying to prove? Because the only person you're hurting is yourself. Then you end up alone and mad that he's "through with black women" based on his experience with you.

No white/latin/mixed woman is out to get your man. And if they are, it's probably a personal vendetta against you and it has nothing to do with your race. Maybe you just have a really good man. You shouldn't bring him out in public so often. But seriously, it really frustrates me when (Becky) starts to date a guy that no one even wanted before she had him, and now all of a sudden, everyone is like, oh, black girls ain't good enough for him, blah blah blah. When he was tryin to get at you, oh beloved brown-skinned beauty, you wouldn't give him the time of day. Now all of a sudden you're mad that he moved on to someone (or something) new? Get over yourself. Stop trying to play the victim and take responsibility for your own actions. There's a reason black men turn to other-race women, and it rarely has to do with effort. It usually has to do with black women letting good men pass them by while they try and work things out with these thugs and sluts, and then wanting them to still be there when they realize Mr. Thug and Mr. Slut will never change. That'll drive even the most devout chocolate-lovers to at least dip in the caramel, if not immerse themselves in milk. Oops, your loss.

Lastly, you are not that different from anyone else. So stop giving me the excuse that you just can't date outside your race because a white or hispanic man will never understand where you come from. Yes, there are things that are unique about the plight of a black woman, but no more unique than anyone else's individual struggles. Black men certainly don't understand black women, so what's the difference, anyway? Stop whining and complaining long enough to see the similarities between you and everyone else, and you won't feel compelled to play the victim card every chance you get. If all good black men are gay or taken by a white woman, then go find yourself a white man (or be gay). And if you don't want to step outside your comfort zone, how dare you accuse a man of wanting something "easy" when you're doing the exact same thing??

The world is a'changing. It's time we let go of lame, tired excuses and embrace our similarities while celebrating our differences.

Trust me - I've been there. It's nothing but a burden.

Just let it go.

Better late than never...

2009-01-07T23:03:00.007-05:00

I meant to write this on the 1st, but people are still texting me "Happy New Year" messages, so what the heck...

I learned a lot in 2008. Perhaps more than I wanted to learn, since lessons can be difficult for the hard-headed. But I thought I would share some insights for the new year. After all, I don't believe in resolutions; I believe in actions. What I do believe should happen in the new year is that we can all look at what we've gone through in the past year, and "resolve" to learn from our mistakes. So here goes:

1. What goes up must come down. No, I'm not talking about gravity, though I'm told this is also true in the realm of physics. What I'm talking about is that when life gets to be so good that you're happier than you've ever been, the only place to go from there is down. And it's usually waaayyyy down. I heard a song the other day, and I don't know what song it was or even what kind of music I was listening to, but I just remember the words went something like, "The same friends you saw on your way up, you'll see coming down." I hit the ground hard in 2008. I thought I had it all together, but "let him who stands take heed lest he fall." In 2009, I'll be better prepared for Newton's law.

2. You see it how you call it. 2008 was the year of regrettably fulfilled prophecies for me. It seems like everything I said might happen, did. I kept predicting the worst case scenario, and then witnessing it. And I couldn't help but wonder, if I had never called it, would it have ever happened? Am I tapping in to my psychic powers, or is there such thing as speaking things into existence? "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." It doesn't feel any better to know that you predicted something once it happens. If anything, you feel stupid for continuing down a path you knew was headed straight for a cliff. In 2009, I'll try to maintain a positive outlook on everything, and more importantly, I'll shut the hell up.

3. God saves us. Simple, right? Well, not always. Sometimes, when you're going down a road you shouldn't be on (or when you're travelling with someone you shouldn't be with), God throws a boulder right in your path that forces you to turn around. Sometimes, He (intentionally) accidentally hits you with the boulder and you have no choice but to wake up from your unconsciousness with a completely different perspective than you had before. Getting hit with a boulder hurts... yes (another concept of physics). But sometimes it's the only way to get your attention, and to make you see just how far you have fallen from the path that was intended for you. This story illustrates this concept (it's also kind of funny if you think about it). "I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me." In 2009, I plan not to get bitten by any (more) asses (God is so clever).

What mistakes did you make in 2008? How will you "resolve" to make it better in 2009? One thing I know for sure is this: all of life's lessons are already written out for us. We just have to take the time to read them. So in 2009, my only real resolution is to gain a closer relationship with God, which comes with prayer and by reading the Bible. That way, I don't have to look at the lessons I've learned in retrospect; but rather, as words on a page that simply stayed right there.

Harry had a point

2008-12-30T00:49:00.006-05:00

You all know the scene.

When Harry met Sally's famous lunch discussion about how men and women cannot be friends. Harry insists that in order for a man to want to be friends with a woman, he is most likely attracted to her, and if a man is attracted to a woman, eventually his attraction will lead him to have feelings and/or want to have sex with her. Even those he's not attracted to, sex will still get in his head eventually and lead to the friendship's ultimate demise.

For nearly twenty years, I have argued the exact opposite point. I insisted that I was living proof that men and women could be friends without sex getting in the way because I had successfully maintained a lifetime of male friendships without any problems (ok, very few anyway). But today, after some intense self loathing, I've decided to admit that (deep breath)... I was wrong.

(Straight) Men and (straight) women cannot be friends.

Because even if sex does not get in the way, something else definitely will. This is not to say that women can successfully hold friendships with ANY species, women, men, dogs, or else. Okay, maybe dogs. But specifically for this entry, allow me to address the problems with the male/female friendship at least from a female perspective.

1. The first is most definitely Sex/Attraction. As much as you try and deny it (women), if your male besty is in the least bit attractive, you've wondered at least once what being with him would be like... at least with regards to a relationship, if not in reference to some sheets. You might have even told him some drunken night how you feel about him, or you say it jokingly all the time because you know he'll never take you seriously. But in reality, you're hoping just once he'll admit to being secretly in love with you too, and then you'll live happily ever after and tell your grandkids the story of your friendship-turned-romance. Whomp whomp. Not gonna happen... at least not statistically speaking anyway. As soon as you spill the beans and/or sex/relationships/love gets in the way, there's no going back to old pals. One of you will never be able to look the other one the same way again.

2. And then there's Jealousy. You know, that feeling you get when you're wearing shoes on a day that ends in y. Meaning not often, of course. Maybe you've seen one of his girlfriends and started to compare yourself to her and decided you're better for him by far. Or you even subconsciously attempted to sabotage his relationship when you saw how happy he was and wondered if he'd be that happy with you. And of course you get angry when he starts to spend all his time with her, taking away from the time he usually spends kickin' it with you... Telling her his deepest darkest secrets when he used to tell you. Sharing some secret codes or inside jokes that he only had with you... Which always leads to the ultimate "choose" situation that either you or she (most likely the latter) will evoke, and of course he will choose the vagina over you. And goodbye friendship. Because even if he decides he made a mistake (aka it doesn't work out between them two), you're not some toy that can be put aside when a better one comes along and then picked back up at his liking. Uggghhh!

3. This third one is most familiar to me these days. I like to call it Betrayal. It's when he stabs you in the back because as both a male and a friend, he gets stuck between a rock and a hard place and chooses the hard place (yes homo). For instance, perhaps all the hanging out you do allows him to get close to one of your best female friends, and then when you and her get into your (inevitable) cat fights, he takes her side and you've been friends with him all your life and he's known that trick like 5 months and how dare he... Or maybe they keep their little relationship on the DL (from only you because they think you will feel left out and/or won't approve), and when you find out, you feel like you just lost your two best friends because they couldn't even trust you enough to tell you something like that or that they lied to you in the first place... Better still, you start dating one of his friends and when that guy cheats or lies to you, Mr. Male Friend not only knows about it and chooses to keep it from you, but he's in on it because he's trying so hard to put bros before hos that he forgets you were supposedly like a sister to him. Not to mention you're one of the reasons they started being friends in the first place. So now you feel like your so-called friend never gave a crap about you at all. And it breaks your heart to even think of him, much less talk to him or see him ever again.

If it's not one of these things, I guarantee it will be something else. Think about it, how many grown adults (like your parents' age) do you know with best friends of the opposite sex?? Probably the same as me... 0. The thing is, I guarantee you they did once, and they don't anymore. Because it doesn't work out.

The bottom line is, males and females just cannot be close friends. Okay, friends, yes. By that I mean talk every few months and rarely hang out and definitely don't know each other's deepest darkest secrets. But if you have a friend of the opposite sex that you consider one of your bestest friends, my advice is to run now and run fast. Don't wait for the inevitable. Because it only gets worse with age and time. And when it does happen, it will hurt so much more than you could ever imagine.

Trust me. I should know.

Spare some change

2008-12-15T00:32:00.005-05:00

Okay, okay. In my defense, I didn't have a laptop cord for like 6 weeks throughout November and part of December. There were times I wanted to write, but I couldn't bare to sit at my desk in that cold computer room in the middle of the night just to blog to no one. I especially had some fun topics for post-election drizzle (fo shizzle). But I missed all that. And I feel like part of myself is missing, too.

Here goes it.

A friend recently (like 5 minutes ago) asked me what has changed in me in the past year since I started this blog. Looking back at my first entries, I realized what changed in me is the thing that made me who I was... what changed in me was the change in me.

Last year, I was becoming the person I had always wanted to be... I was in love with Jesus and I eventually loved myself as a result. I was working on being a good person and doing the right things, and I stood my ground and kept myself pure in many ways. It was a good road to be on. And I don't know if it was the trip to Uganda (or unfortunate companions) or the culture shock of coming back to this world, but something happened along the way (what used to be happy was sad...) and now I feel like I'm back at one.

What makes it so easy to go back, and so hard to move forward?

Is change not change no matter which direction?

Why is it that it took me 2 years to be "good" and only 2 months to get... ugly? It's like weight (a subject I know all too well). It could take you a month to gain back something it took a year to lose. Losing weight takes a lot of time, energy, and money. And so does losing bad habits. I haven't been able to do either since my last entry. And I'm just starting to understand why.

It's mostly our own fears that keep us from doing the right thing, but it has a bit to do with other people as well. Sometimes I think, well everyone already thinks I'm this way, and everyone's going to think it's fake if I try and change, so I may as well stay the same. But that's ridiculous. Why am I going to sacrifice my salvation so others won't think I'm fake? What will those people mean in the end anyway? I'm the only one who has to live for me, so what does it even matter?

We have to stop letting our fears get in the way of our blessings. If I know what I need to be, and I'm not that, then nothing's stopping me but myself. I have no obligation to that self-fulfilling prophecy to be whatever it is everyone says I am. Every day I get the chance to change into whomever I want to be. That's the beauty of being saved. My mistakes yesterday don't affect my chances to be better tomorrow.

You can be different... And if you're not Jesus, you probably should be different.

If you were waiting for some sign from God in order to change your life, let this be it. You don't have to be perfect in order to be better. You just have to be better.

--

I know this is a bit introspective but it's been awhile. Just had to get that off my chest. Bare with me.

Obama will not be President

2008-09-08T01:09:00.005-04:00

It’s about time I start being real with myself: as much as I’d like to believe this country has learned from its 8-year mistake of Bush and 400-year mistake of racism, the truth is, unfortunately, they both still very much exist (if I had to choose one to disappear completely, it would be a tough choice).

What brought me to this devastating realization was not the assassination plans nor the Bible-huggers on tv nor even the bigots I encounter daily living in the South. No, those things never surprise me. The thing that caught me off guard, sadly, was the blatant discrimination that exists so very close to home—in my own family.

This might come as a surprise to you, especially given all my talk of black pride and black power lately. But there are members of my family that are perfectly willing and able to discriminate and stereotype against black people (aside from the fact that black people discriminate against other blacks all the time)… and unfortunately, as much as I or my mother would like to deny it… they do.

That’s not to say they all do. Perhaps not even most. But for those (family and non-family members alike) who are able to hide behind some other rationale for not voting for, if not flat out hating Barack Obama, let me clear some things up so that you can come out of the closet already.

1. Barack Obama is NOT a Muslim. In fact, like most of you, he is indeed a Christian. He was born to a Muslim (not-present) father and a non-religious mother. He chose Christianity. He wasn’t just born into it, barely practicing or believing it for himself. He grew up knowing many different beliefs, and in his twenties, he made the choice to become Christian. That speaks volumes about his beliefs. And furthermore, even if he were Muslim, why is it that important? To hate someone based on their religious beliefs… well that’s not very Christian at all, now is it?
2. Barack Obama is NOT the anti-Christ. And furthermore, that’s one of the silliest things I’ve ever heard. Here you have someone talking about hope, faith, and love… those three things the Christ himself spoke of. Here you have someone who wants to use his position to help the poor, to bring healthcare and jobs to the masses, to bring our great country out of this spiritual and economical turmoil we have undergone due to the past 8 years of bad leadership. To say he is the opposite of Christ is blasphemy itself. Come up with something better.
3. Barack Obama is NOT JUST BLACK. For goodness sake, his mother is white. The woman who raised him, taught him everything, and brought him up most likely to know little about his African heritage since his Dad was not in the picture. He’s no more black than he is white. Why is it that everyone only sees half of the picture? Open your eyes.
4. Barack Obama DOES NOT have significantly different platforms than most other Democrats. If anything, his are better. He wants affordable healthcare, lower taxes for the poor, creation of jobs for Americans in America, immigration reform, women’s rights, gay rights, and less breaks for the wealthy and big corporations. You know; the stuff that like 80% of our country needs. So if you supported either of the Clintons or Kerry or Gore, but don’t support Obama, you might want to ask yourself, honestly, why. Because it can’t be because of his politics.
5. Barack Obama is NOT off killing babies or marrying gay people. Unfortunately, in this country, you’re either for something or against it. Gay people should have rights. Point blank. If you don’t agree with the lifestyle, or if you think it’s an abomination, that’s your opinion. But if you’re going to vote based on this issue that has nothing to do with you and has NEVER hurt anyone, go ahead. It worked really well for us these past two elections. Why not a third? Mind you, abortion is wrong. Straight up. It’s murder. But giving women the right to choose is no different than giving killers access to guns under the second amendment. You’re not telling them to kill… they still have to make the choice to do so and deal with the consequences, be it in heaven or on earth. But you are giving them the choice, say, to be prepared under extenuating circumstances. We can’t help those who go a whole other route with it. People are going to find other ways to kill each other, just like women will find other ways to abort (hangers, for instance, are amazing alternatives).
6. Barack Obama is NOT the answer to all our problems. Not even close. Chances are, he’ll get in the white house and be dodging bullets the whole time. But the way he has motivated the young people in this country to get out and make changes… the way he has brought our country together despite our differences, and the way he inspires hope in a nation that has lost its faith… is the miracle in itself. We believe in democracy again. We believe in the power of hope and change. We believe in America… for the first time in a long time. And it didn’t take a national tragedy to do it. If he isn’t elected… it will do more damage to our nation than perhaps even a terrorist attack. Because it will cripple us at our weakest point. We may never believe again.
7. Barack Obama is NOT against the troops. Like most of us, however, he is against the war. Want to talk about murdering babies? How about all the children that have died as a result of this war on oil? Nothing good has come out of our presence in Iraq; we have wasted too many lives for nothing. Gas prices have tripled since Bush came to office, and here we are talking about gay marriage. Wake up. McCain wants to keep sending more troops to Iraq, when even Bush’s dumb ass finally got the picture and admitted we need to pull out. I think we can all agree that we should support our troops; we should support them by bringing them home.
8. Barack Obama has NOT been wishy-washy with his politics. McCain, on the other hand… wow. McCain went from being one of the most liberal Republicans in the Senate to now being a staunch conservative prick. I supported McCain in the past two elections back when he was real. He literally did a complete 180 for this election so he could get the Republicans back who hated him before. And for those who didn’t know anything about his politics before—well, that’s our collective amnesia working to benefit those in power once again.
9. Barack Obama is NOT perfect. Not by any means. He’s going to make mistakes just like any other President. He has less experience than other people, but we can all attest to the fact that quantity does not always mean quality. He will never live up to the expectations some people have for him. And like all Presidents, he will not be able to execute some, if not many of his promises. But one thing that will remain true is that he will not stop fighting for the common man. He will not take corporate bribes to support his own personal interest. He knows what it is to be a working class person in this country, and he has not forgotten from whence he came.
10. NOT VOTING AT ALL IS NOT BETTER THAN VOTING FOR OBAMA. And I wonder about the intelligence levels of individuals who seem to think so. By not voting, you are giving the power back to the politicians, and revoking it from yourself. You are surrendering your very existence in this country. You forfeit your ability to protest, be angered, or complain about anything that goes on over the next four years. Because if you do not vote, you did nothing to attempt to change your present situation. “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” -Martin Luther King. If you know the right thing to do and you don’t do it, you’re worst than those who do wrong, because they don’t know any better and you do.

The bottom line is this country is in despair. We are desperate for something new, something better. And the power is now in our hands. It’s time we put aside all our prejudices, our differences, and our fears, and start replacing them with love, tolerance, and understanding. It’s not enough just to say we don’t discriminate. It’s time we act upon it. And it’s not enough just to say we’re tired of our present situation. It’s time we change it.

You make the call.

You're a Nigga

2008-07-19T13:02:00.012-04:00

That’s what my boys yelled when Jacob, who had never played Charades before, pulled his skully over his head, sagged his pants a bit, and pretended like he was rapping. The word we gave him was rapper. The word we heard, instead, was nigger.

Pause.

Rewind 24 hours. Push play. I was at the pool Sunday enjoying my day off and getting some African sun, when out of the blue, they busted out the speakers and started blasting hip hop. The first few songs… not so bad. Chris Brown, Keyshia Cole, my favorite African song, Love is Not a Crime (I’m bringing it back to the States, you know this). But then, we broke into the Lil Wayne, Ludacris, Fabolous, Jay-Z, Jermaine Dupree, etc., and I quickly realized that the uncut version of so many radio songs are completely inappropriate for public use—so much so, that I was becoming extremely uncomfortable listening to the words of the songs I knew so well. I kept thinking, all these people here, African and Western both, are looking at me in disgust because I am the ONLY black American at this pool and this is how everyone thinks we talk.

Nigga this, Nigga that. I ain’t never ran from a nigga, Nigga what, f* a nigga. Beat that nigga. Damn.

I suddenly realized why the week before, someone at the internet café asked me if one of my parents was a nigga. And in retrospect, I know why Jacob was thought to be imitating one. Here we are talking about white Americans not knowing any better but to use the words we use for each other. Wow. We have no idea what the world thinks of us. We have no idea that in Africa, people think the word for Black American ACTUALLY IS “Nigga.” We have no idea that the only way the rest of the world sees us is through movies and videos, in which we are gangsters, strippers, and drug dealers. We have no clue… that the knowledge we take for granted that what is seen on tv is not how it really is, is the exact representation of ourselves that the rest of the world views as reality. That to everyone else in this world… we’re just a bunch of niggers.

Pause.

Let that marinate for a minute.

If you knew that you were being called a nigger by everyone else in the world, would you continue to use that word in your daily language? Would you still support rappers that use the word in every sentence? Would you continue to watch films that display blacks… display YOU as a thug or a whore?

If your answer is yes, then maybe this isn’t for you. And furthermore, you should probably ask your parents or grandparents how they feel about that, and then ask yourself again.

If your answer is no, then walk with me for a minute.

The other day, I had a (Ugandan) friend tell me one of the most profound things I had never thought of before. He said that Africans, historically, are a lot like Jews in the Bible. Enslaved, plagued with war, disease, poverty, hunger, corruption, and death. In the end, he said, it was those who stood by their faith in God that were delivered to the promise land. “For us (Africans),” he explained, “the promise land we are awaiting will be heaven. But for black Americans,” he stopped, looked away, and swallowed the lump in his throat. “For black Americans, you are already in the promise land. You just don’t realize it.”

I was speechless.

Could it really be true? Could it be that God knew all along that America would be the place where blacks would eventually be delivered from desolation? What if 300 years ago, your ancestors’ ancestors were brought here in chains so that you could be free today? Every day since I’ve been here—every single day—I see something else that makes me thank God I was born in the US. But have I been so naïve to forget just how that came about? In order for me to be born into prosperity, free from disease, war, and enslavement, my great great great grandparents had to be shackled and chained. Just like the Jews in the Old Testament… only they knew all along where and why they were going.

We still don't realize where we've come from.

Because if we knew it… if we really understood how far we’ve come… we wouldn’t be getting tangled up in the words, images, and lifestyles that put us back in chains. We wouldn’t be taking advantage of the freedom our ancestors fought and died for. Instead, we would be actively erasing the word nigga from our collective vocabulary. We would be supporting images of prosperity, education, and pride. We would be giving back to our communities and helping others so that as a people, we might share this promise land. And we would not allow the distance we have yet to travel, keep us from recognizing how far we have come… keep us from recognizing that we are the delivered ones. We are God’s chosen people. And if everything we do and say do not represent Him, then everything He has done to bring us here was in vain.

Think about it.

Now push play.

Bringin' Beautiful Back

2008-07-08T03:25:00.003-04:00

Today, I did an exercise with my kids (teenagers) to explore colors. We asked them to name their favorite color, name something that is that color, and tell how it makes them feel when they think of or see that color. To be honest, I fully expected nothing but blank stares from uninterested adolescents when we introduced this activity. The first group was able to name their favorite colors, but didn’t get much further into it than that (the blank stares kicked in). The most common colors, however, were black and brown, but they could not explain what they thought of or how they felt when hearing that color. The second group (my angels) jumped right into describing red, the color of blood, making them think of war and danger, or yellow, the color of sunshine, making them think of health and happiness, or white, the color of angels, making them think of peace and friendship. It was pretty amazing to hear all their ideas, and to see the smiles that emerged on their faces quickly after realizing they said something we thought was brilliant. But the thing that struck me the most was the amount of times I again heard the colors black and brown; only this time, it was used to describe their skin.

And what words do you think came to mind when they hear the word black?

Beauty. Life. Pride.

I didn’t realize those responses would affect me so much. Growing up in the US, we learn that black is the color of death, sin, and evil. The dictionary defines black as synonymous with all things dark and bad. And I was naïve enough to think that this was the definition pretty much across the board. White is good; black is bad. Brown is ugly and undesirable. I didn’t even know I had the choice to think something different. Something so simple as the meaning of colors—it took me 24 years and a trip all the way across the world to understand—I had the choice to define it myself.

“I like brown because it is the color of your (my) skin, and of the earth. It makes me think of beauty and life.” “I like black because it is the color of my (their) skin and of the (Ugandan) flag. It makes me think of beauty and pride for Africa.”

As many times as I’ve heard or even said “black is beautiful”, I’m not even sure that I believed it for myself. It’s just some cliché we’ve adapted as black Americans to raise our pride and self-awareness in a country that has taught us to hate even ourselves. But is it not false pride? Do we actually believe that the color black and the color brown are indeed beautiful and proud? In our minds, in your mind, what do these colors actually represent? Ask yourself truly, what do you think of when you think of the colors black and brown? Honestly, can you truthfully say that positive images of beauty and pride and life come to mind?

And if not, isn’t it time we change our minds?

Because I’ve decided to change mine.

I refuse to allow our racist society to dictate the way I define myself and the things that represent me anymore. From today forward, I’m taking back the control over my pride, my beauty, and my life. I’m bringing beautiful back… to black. Because somewhere between civil rights and cell phones, we forgot just how beautiful we were. We forgot that the colors black and brown belonged to us in the first place. That God had given us these colors as a birthright. And that the way we define them is a choice. OUR choice.

And I’ve already made mine.

Falling from Grace

2008-06-27T09:24:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, I’m pretty sure I witnessed one of the greatest of God’s creations.

We went on a trip a few days ago to Masindi district in northwest Uganda to visit the first and largest national park in the country. Before going, we had to meet up at the camp site’s headquarters in Kampala to wait for our vehicle and get the other members in our party. So there was a picture of Murchison Falls on the wall, and I was like “Wow… we’re travelling all this way to see one little waterfall? I could have turned my shower on at home to see that.” So the first day, we saw some baboons and warthogs, hippos, and I’m like woot woot. The second day we went on a safari and saw some elephants, giraffes, crocodiles, and more hippos. We went on this 3 hour boat ride to the falls, and when we got there, I all but asked for my money back at the utter disappointment of it. I think even the picture looked better than the falls, which consisted of some water hitting some rocks in the distance. So yesterday, on the way home, we took a hike up the mountain to see the falls a bit closer. Still not impressed. Okay, a bit nicer, but come on. This place is on the top ten things to see before you die. And here I felt like this was some shit I could have created with a bucket and some rocks.

But then we went around the other side of the path, and got about 3 feet away from the falls. Right up to where the rivers collided and hit up against the mountains at such great speeds, it broke through granite rock and created about 4 to 5 rainbows all around it. And I literally stopped in my tracks, sat down to collect myself, and began to cry. I mean, I wasn’t sobbing like a baby or even tearing up all that much. But on the inside, I felt God right then and there, just wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear the sweetest words of love I can’t even share.

Looking upon it, all I could think was, how could anyone deny that God exists? Nothing, no other power, could create such beauty and splendor. I remembered the day before, I said something along the lines of “I think the Taj Mahal or the pyramids should move up the list above this mess.” But as I was sitting there in complete and total amazement, I heard God tell me that nothing man has ever made could even compare to the wonders He has created on this earth. And it made me laugh… laugh that I was eating all the words I had been saying on the trip thus far. Laugh that the ten or fifteen minutes I spent staring at that waterfall was worth the time, money, and effort it took to get to that point. I laughed. Because all this time, I had been looking for God in Uganda.

And He was right there before my eyes all along.

It almost felt like, selfishly, it felt like God created that amazing display of His majesty so many years ago because He knew that at that moment, at that time, He would find me there. It made me think of His plans for me, and how I tend to try to control things or change things according to my own will, subconsciously thinking that I have to do things myself if I want them to happen. But how silly of me to think that a God who created the earth and the heavens with such magnificent detail, is incapable of accomplishing amazing things in my life and granting me all the desires of my heart. How naïve of me to assume that my plans are in any way better than His plans for me.

In the midst of all this, I thought about the things that I’ve had to witness thus far. The poverty, the injustice, the hunger, war, and despair in Uganda and in Africa as a whole. I thought about how all this time, I’ve been thinking why me? Why did I deserve to be born in a country where freedom is free, where war and hunger and poverty are the exception and not the rule, where clean air, water, and land were the bare necessity and not commodities? Why did I spend my childhood in the safety of my own home, surrounded by love and family and friends, instead of being abducted at the age of 8 to become a child soldier and be forced to kill others, be given as a sex slave, or be killed myself? Why did I dream of rainbows and gardens and unicorns, instead of having nightmares of witnessing my parents be murdered right before my eyes, or of being raped and baring children who would die of hunger or disease, or of the faces of those I was forced to kill?

I thought about how I had been questioning God and His will. How I had been wondering how the same God who delivered me from so much in life, could allow this to happen to people far more innocent and more deserving than myself. And I realized that all this introspection, this existential crisis I had been having here, was like trying to figure out how God created this waterfall. Trying to dissect every drop of water, instead of just admiring its beauty. When it’s not up to me to try and determine His will.

What I should be doing is trying to figure out where I fit in. What my place is—me, just a drop of water—which may seem insignificant, but actually serves as an integral role in God’s creation. And trusting that I might not understand it now, but that it is all part of His will, is the first step to discovering my place on this earth. I am so thankful for this gift from His grace.

“In life, for every question you have… the answer, you will find in nature, if you know where to look.” It’s a line from my favorite movie of all time, The Power of One.

I finally got my answer.

Maybe we're the ones who need to prove ourselves to Him

2008-06-05T08:23:00.003-04:00

The second Chronicles of Narnia is even better than the first. The theme is quite resonating. Throughout the movie, the three older children have believed the words of the nation… that “Aslan” has abandoned Narnia and it’s up to the earthly kings to defend their people. They try time and again to take matters into their own hands, only to fail at every attempt. They even nearly seek the help of what can only be described as the devil himself who appears out of nowhere (Matthew 4), offering a victory over their enemies if they only pledge themselves to her (no comment on how the evil one is a woman). It is only the faith of the “little child” (Isaiah 11:6) that leads them finally to call on Aslan, who immediately gives them the victory, and forgives those who did not believe. I had forgotten how much these stories really are meant to remind us, both children and adults alike, that even the smallest faith can move mountains (Matthew 17:20) and that we are more than conquerors through Christ who loves us (Romans 8).

I apologize if I spoiled the movie for you, but it’s not like you didn’t know they were going to be victorious in the end anyway. It’s just that I had to give background in order to segway into this, my first entry in months (sorry).

Since I’ve been here in Uganda, it has been really hard for me to talk to God. I told myself that maybe He just lost track of me in all the travelling I’ve been doing. Or maybe that there is so much pain and suffering on this continent, my prayers are put on the backburner. I’m not talking about this in a superficial way, like I’m asking Him for things and not receiving them; I’m not saying bad things are happening, so therefore He must not be listening. I’m saying that usually when I pray, it’s like I can feel His presence all around me, and I know that He is listening. But here, for some reason, I pray and pray and it just feels like I’m alone. I’ve been here just begging Him to just show Himself to me; just show me that He is really there. Instead I just feel like I’m praying vain. But who would have thought that watching (the bootleg of) that children’s movie would change something in me?

“Maybe we’re the ones who need to prove ourselves to Him.” It was a line that the little girl told her brother when he asked why Aslan wouldn’t just show himself to them.

Crazy… I’ve never heard a movie line that so adequately describes my faith.

Here I am asking God to show Himself to me when how many times has He proven Himself in my lifetime? How can I proclaim that He is almighty and powerful, and with the same mouth profess that He is not listening every single time I call? It is not His presence on which my faith is based; it is His promise.

I find that in our culture especially, people refer to faith as some kind of therapeutic service. “Whatever works for you” I have heard time and again, even just yesterday. People think of God as just a means to an end, and if we can’t see Him, He must therefore not exist except in the minds of religious fanatics. But why are we passively waiting for some great miracle before we can acknowledge Him? Why do we think it’s up to God to prove His presence in our lives? Even in the worst circumstances, He gives us life, the sun, rainbows, nature, family (despite their faults), friends (ditto), and even a complete stranger who manages to say the just the right thing to get you through. How many times have you asked and received? How many times have you looked back on something you did not receive and suddenly understand why it was not given to you at that time? What more proof do you need? Why, instead, are we not attempting every day to make even the remotest fraction of an impact on His world that He has on ours? At what point do we stop making demands on God and start raising our own expectations? When will we realize that we’re the ones who should be proving ourselves to Him?

I started writing this blog yesterday and since then, I have received so many emails of encouragement from my family, friends, and small group (which are both). If I was looking for proof before, it is certainly clear to me now that when for whatever reason, God cannot come wrap His arms around me Himself, He sends His warriors to comfort and assure me that He may not come when I want Him to, but He’s always right on time.

Before I left, I told myself that I would use this time away from everything I know to truly discover who I am now that I have been changed. Perhaps God, who has carried me thus far, is now letting me stand on my own so that I might do just that. Perhaps if I look to my left, I will in fact see two sets of footprints in the sand. Perhaps… it’s not up to me to try to make sense of His will. It seems the only thing I am responsible for… is proving myself to Him.

…I’ll be around. Check back for weekly updates on my travels. For real this time!

I love you and miss you all!!

Meet the Blacks

2008-04-01T15:57:00.007-04:00

Tyler Perry's new movie took black people back 50 years.

And I seem to be the only one that's royally pissed off about it.

Sure, I'm mad I spent $8 and 2 hours of my life that I will NEVER get back. And sure, I'm perterbed that in 2008, I have been exposed to a minstrel show with actual black people dancing around in black face. Indeed, I'm annoyed that it already grossed $33 million and it probably cost $3 million and a lot of destroyed careers to produce. But what I'm MOST pissed about is that I haven't heard ANYONE protesting, speaking, or marching about all the negative stereotypes, ignorant perpetuations, and flat out EMBARASSMENT Meet the Browns has caused the entire black community.

It took me a week and a half to recover from all the damage that movie did to my psyche and self worth as a black person, just to be able to write this blog that should have been written the minute I got home from RUNNING--not walking-- away from that movie. I couldn't get away fast enough and back to my home-- a place where black people are educated, full of pride and dignity, represent black people in a positive and intelligent way, and are likewise disgusted by the muzings of directors who will do anything-- including sell his soul to the devil-- for a box office hit. Tyler Perry, you disappoint me. Angela Bassett, what were you thinking? How do you go from Tina Turner to hood rat chick? Eat the cake, Anna Mae. Desgraciada.

Speaking of which, as if it weren't bad enough to destroy the entire black race with this movie, Tyler Perry had to go add in a ghetto, loud-mouthed, weed-smoking, violent, slorefully dressed LATINA hood rat that surely exemplifies everything I embody as a latin woman, as well. Thanks, Tyler. I appreciate how you've maken a mockery of everything that I am and displayed it for all the white people who happen stumble across your movie that we indeed are everything they think of us... and worse. Awesome job, queer (sorry, it slipped).

Black people need a manual. I'd be happy to write it in my tons of spare time that I do not have. I will call it "What black people do and do not need to be pissed the f*%& off about and other shit that may set us back from all the strides we've made away from the centuries of humiliation and oppression to which we were subjected, and also, why it's more of a disgrace for a BLACK person to do anything listed in this book than for a white person because white people don't know no better but we sure as hell DO!!!" Copyright on that title.

Why is it that Don Imus (his ass was wrong, also) can't call black women nappy headed hos, but Tyler Perry, who knows better, can have a scene in his movie where they go through a list of women and describe the TYPE of ho they were, ending with the characters' own MOTHER, calling her a nasty ho? And furthermore, why was I the only person in the theatre NOT laughing at that scene?

If a white person directed a movie about a ghetto black woman with three kids from three different dead beats, one of which is abusive, who finds out her own dead beat pimp/deacon father dies, and goes to BF Georgia for a funeral in which ignorant black people are actin' a damn fool IN church, all while her basketball-playin', dope-slingin' son gets whored by white agents and signs to the pros straight out of high school and buys a Cadillac Escalade with his newfound money and gets his family out the ghetto. Oh, and throw in a scene with an old woman in a high speed chase in Dekalb County, throwing bags of weed out the window and assaulting an officer, WHAT?!?!?! This country would have a fit. Even white people would be mad about that shit. They'd be like, damnit, after all the time I spend at work trying to convince black people that I'm not racist, I'm gonna have to start from square one after they see that movie.

So why the HELL is it okay for a black person to disgrace the black race, but no one else can?? F* that. It's NOT OKAY. We need a manual so black people would learn after the first time someone pulled this shit, that it is not acceptable. Especially coming from someone who has made so many strides in the RIGHT direction of portraying black Americans in a different and positive light. Why erase all the work you've done? Tranny (sorry, slipped again).

I'm pissed. And you should be, too. If you're black, DO NOT waste your money or time being offended by that whore of a movie, and spread the word FAST. If you're white, :::sigh:::, I'm sorry. I apologize for every EXTRA that participated in creating that catastrophe. Please don't think that movie represents the views and behavior of all, or even some black people. Just pretend they were all white people wearing black (or brown) face, because that's the ONLY way I walked out of that movie without committing suicide.

As for you, Tyler Perry. Shame on you.

In the meantime, I'll work on that manual...

To me, you're worth it

2008-02-26T07:42:00.011-05:00

Oh, come on, you know it was only a matter of time before I snuck a movie line in here somewhere. Don't you know me at all??

But seriously, in light of recent (awesome) incidents in my life, I thought I'd share my opinions on a common misconception amongst young women, and even sometimes men, when you first start dating: this whole idea that when things are so good, something bad must be on the way.

You know you've thought it. Might even be thinking it right now.

The reason we allow ourselves to endulge in such wasteful thought processes is not because we actually think all people are screwed up and will show their "true colors" (what does that mean anyway; are we all wearing fake colors? Can my true color be darker, cuz it's winter and I'm lookin a little pale these days) in due time; in fact, this notion is really just a mask for our subconscious realities. When actually, the thing that we really fear is that WE are not worth someone so great.

And that's just sad.

Because in the meantime, while we're putting up these walls, lowering our standards, and broadcasting our negative expectations, we are merely setting ourselves up for failure. It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you assume someone is going to mess up, they'll do it just to prove you right. And honestly... what do we get out of knowing we were right, anyway? Does it feel ANY better to have your heart ripped out, just because you knew it was coming all along?? Allow me to answer that for you: no. It doesn't. It hurts just as bad. In fact, sometimes it hurts worse cuz your dumb ass knew it was coming all along, and stayed with that person anyway. So maybe we're all better off being blind optimists. At least, if they hurt us, we can say we never saw it coming... And if they don't hurt us, we're not cheering them on to do so in the meantime.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying just fall in love with everyone you meet. I mean, clearly, if there are red flags going up all over the place, and if your gut is telling you they're shady, you should probably go with your gut. But honestly, if someone is just right in every way, if they seem to call right when you want them to call, do exactly what you want them to do, like you just as much as you like them, you know... all the good stuff... Don't sell yourself short by assuming it's all too good to be true. Ever think they just might be thinking the same about you?? Ever think YOU might be too good to be true, too?

And why shouldn't you be? You're awesome. God made you in His image, which means you're kind, loving, intelligent, beautiful, and perfect in every way for someone out there... And if you happen to find them, don't go screwing it all up with your own insecurities. YOU ARE WORTH someone who treats you right, takes care of you, loves you for who you are, and trusts you with all their heart. THEY ARE WORTH you. And even if they're not, even if they end up being something different altogether... You can't allow the fear of losing keep you from playing the game. All things happen according to His will, so if it doesn't work, it will only mean that something better is out there for you.

Furthermore, you can walk away knowing that you gave it your all and didn't hold back. You can walk away knowing there is nothing you could have done differently that might have changed the outcome. You can walk away with your integrity. And that is worth so much more than being right.

Just take a chance. You never know how absolutely *perfect* something could turn out to be... You never know... it might just be worth it.

Cuz to me, you're worth it. ;)

True Fasting

2008-02-22T13:51:00.006-05:00

So, as some of you know, I took my Lenten season fast to new heights this year. After talking with a good friend about active vs. passive fasting, I decided to go balls to the walls (probably not a good metaphor here), and take my spirituality to a whole new level. So during this new and improved fast, God has been really good to me, and has shown me all kinds of amazing things I would have never seen otherwise. I'd like to share some of that goodness with you.

Aside from recently aqcuired giddiness (assisted by a bittersweet end to my dating fast), God has given me a lot of peace of mind since my last (angry) post (sorry about that). I re-discovered that being happy with myself has nothing to do with the words or actions of others, and that maybe the problem I had with my "friends" was actually one that could be addressed within ME. It truly takes a bigger person to admit that. I am happy to oblidge.

Also, I have found that joining a small group at church, despite many years of resistance, has truly enlightened me and given me yet another reason for inner peace. I know there are people praying for me out there, I know I am held accountable for my actions by some very special individuals, I have people fasting with me (for once!), and most of all, as simple as it may sound, I know there's someone to sit with at church, so I have no excuse not to go!! You'd be surprised how important that can be. Motivation is essential in all aspects of life.

Furthermore, creating and leading a Christian group at RSPH has been a blessing in so many ways. I finally brought up GOD in class for the first time, and I felt good about it. I didn't feel like I was going to be attacked or ridiculed for my religious beliefs, and I knew that someone had my back because I recognized some people from the group in my class. It felt good just to say it out loud. I felt like I was coming out of the closet as a Christian. In fact, every day I feel more and more like I'm getting comfortable with being the "C" word. And I can't even believe I was ashamed or afraid in the first place. In fact, I can't believe we as a culture have been so afraid of the "C" word. It is truly as if Christianity is equivalent to Intollerance in our society, so much so that Christians fear offending people just by being who they are.

Sometimes, I understand white guilt. I understand feeling like as a majority, you have to be ashamed of your heritage and attempt to make up for others' mistakes by overcompensating and hiding in the shadows.

Allow me to be the first black person to say-- being white really sucks. I hate the feeling of having to hide or suppress my pride of being a majority. And I don't want to live that way anymore. I'm not GOING to live that way anymore. And neither should anyone else.

All this to say, I'm sorry for not posting in such a long time. School and work got me pretty tied up, but I haven't forgotten about you. Furthermore, I will be fasting until Easter, and what I know about fasting is that it allows you to reach new heights with your relationship with God and His ability to answer prayers if you're willing to make the sacrifice. So if any of you need prayer right now, PLEASE don't hesitate to ask. One thing I know is that prayer changes things; changes people.

I, for one, will never be the same.

True Fasting:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=29&chapter=58&version=31

NOT does not mean CAN'T

2008-01-31T17:23:00.001-05:00

Let's forget about my political/religious/social platform for a minute. Something has been on my mind lately that I need to get out somewhere, and why have a blog if I can't put my personal feelings here, too, right? Right. Thanks.

Why do females really think they're so damn special?? I mean, this is hard without being too specific but really... I'm so tired of some of my female friends thinking they're the only ones going through what they're going through, or who do what they do. I can't even verbalize my frustration. It's not all my friends; honesly, I have some female friends who really do got it like that but don't feel the need to talk about it. But then there's the ones who say things like "It's different for me because I have men trying to get with me all the time," or "It's different for me because I'm so nice it's hard for me to turn men down," or "My situation is different because I'm not that pressed over him." Or my favorite... "You don't know how I feel because you've never been in this situation before." Have you ever heard any of that out someone's mouth? IT'S ALL A LIE!

What are you trying to say exactly, that because I'm not dating anyone, it means men aren't approaching me just as much as you? Give me a break. Do you really see yourself as that much more attractive than me? Because you're NOT. And even if men weren't trying to get at me, it would probably be because I don't put myself out there like I want every man I meet.

And are you trying to say you're nice like I'm MEAN? I'm not mean honey, I'm just not weak. Not being able to tell men no is not a kindness; it's a weakness.

And you ARE that pressed over him, if you weren't you wouldn't be talking about him all the time/wasting your time with him/stalking him/calling him/telling everyone you're his "favorite girl"/whatever.

And PLEASE child, we have ALL been there. You are not the only woman who has ever been stuck on a man or dating several men at once or catching feelings for someone with a girlfriend or so lonely you're dating losers or helpless over some idiot who treats you like crap or putting some man before God. We have ALL been there once or twice and those of us who made those mistakes are exactly the ones who CAN give you advice; so stop saying "You act like you weren't this way with whatshisface" because I WAS and I MOVED ON which is EXACTLY why I know you can do better.

Furthermore, have you ever thought about the fact that you might be offending people with all your talk about it being "different for me because..."? "Different" implies that I am the opposite of whatever comes after the "because". No, I'm not dating. But that doesn't mean I've never dated anyone before. No, I'm not having sex. But let's not forget that I was not always abstinent. No, I don't believe in cheating or having an affair with someone who's in a relationship. But that doesn't mean I haven't been that girl before. No, I don't have a problem telling people "no." But that doesn't mean I haven't been weak before. And NO, I AM NOT IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN WHO LIES TO ME AND TREATS ME LIKE SHIT BUT LET'S NOT FORGET I WAS THERE FOR 3 LONG YEARS!!!!!!!

Do you really think you're so special???? Get over yourself.

I CHOSE this lifestyle. It's not some default cuz I can't get no man. I CHOOSE to be alone; that doesn't mean I'm not happy or that I can't waste my time with someone the way you do. Stop trying to play me like "I'M NOT" is code for "I CAN'T". Cuz if I wanted to be like you (and like I was before), I would. I CHOOSE not to.

And if you could see the view from here, you would make that choice, too.

Christians need a new name

2008-01-22T11:21:00.000-05:00

Or maybe we can keep our name, and those other people can change theirs.

Allow me to elaborate...

Have you ever heard a Jewish person say they're Jewish by heritage but not by faith? Or contrarily, a Sammy Davis, Jr. or Charlotte from Sex & the City who's Jewish by faith, but not by culture.

Well I think we need to differentiate those of us who believe in Jesus Christ and accept Him as our personal Savior, and those who were born into the Christian heritage, but are not necessarily practicing Christians themselves.

Because Cultural Christians, over the years, are truly giving Christianity a bad name... That name is Hypocrite.

I arrived at this epiphany when I was befriended by someone on Facebook whose name I didn't recognize. I looked at his profile to try to see if I knew him, and everything "about him" was cursing and f*cking b*tches and h*es and n*ggas. It wasn't just a few words, either. I mean, I certainly don't want to be the pot calling the kettle a n*gga. But this was above and beyond; enough for me to think, wow... Why in the world would someone want to represent himself in such a disgraceful way? Then I scrolled back up curiously to glance at something I often overlook in someone's profile. "Religion: Christian". Yeah. Cultural Christian.

But that's just a small example of a Cultural Christian. Have you ever noticed that the rappers and singers who become successful promoting drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, and all forms of sin to young people, will always thank God on their album notes or upon receiving the Grammy? I mean, it's one thing to be a sinner; we all fall short. But to glorify sin, to encourage impressionable young people to follow your immoral lead... and then to attribute your vile successes to God, as if He supports your choices, or as if it just dissolves the sin to acknowledge Him... To commercialize Christianity that way. Just screams hypocricy. Cultural Christianity... it needs a new name.

It's not to say Cultural Christians don't believe in God and Jesus Christ; in fact, most of them probably do. It's just that believing in God and Jesus Christ isn't the only definition of Christianity. Striving to be Christ-like, seeking forgiveness, and loving one's neighbor are just a minimum. Of course we don't all get there at the same time... But if you're not there yet, please. Do the rest of us a favor and stop denigrating the Christian name. I'm sure that God you keep referring to doesn't appreciate it any more than I do.

Let's review.

The Klu Klux Klan is a "Christian" organization. Nazis were "Christians." Adolph Hitler, Fidel Castro, Benito Mussolini... Roman Catholic (Christians). Slave owners, yep, believers in Jesus. Our great nation's President... (sigh) you get the point. Cultural Christians. I think we have tarnished the name of Christ long enough...

It's time to get a new one.

Am I destined to marry a prude?

2008-01-13T23:51:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about this for some time.

I'm celibate, right. And because I plan on waiting (again) until marriage, it's highly likely that the man I'm going to marry is going to be on the same track, or else it won't really work out. So if he's willing to wait, he's either gonna have to be gay (and as we've discussed, I've had enough gay boyfriends for a lifetime so I'll pass) or a devout Christian like myself. Which leads me to my dilemma...

Can a good Christian boy also be a freak?

It's a reasonable concern. I mean, most serious Christian guys I meet view sex as some kind of dirty sin, something that one should only take part in for reproductive purposes. Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but seriously... Generally speaking, if a guy has a really dirty mind, he's usually already acting upon it. So those who are not participating, I can only assume, either do not have, or are relentlessly supressing the freak within.

I know what you're thinking. If a woman (me for instance) can be a virgin or a born-again virgin, and a closet freak (to emerge from the proverbian wardrobe only when wed), why can't a guy? Well I'll tell you why. Because men are sexual beings. Their nature is to spread their seed and it's exponentially more difficult (on average) for a man to control his sexual urges than a woman. So if he's not sexually active, it must mean that he's on the lower end of the spectrum of inner sexual desire. Now, of course there are exceptions to every rule, but in general, I think this is true. The more spiritually devout a man is, the less likely he is to be sexually uninhibited, as the two are fundamentally conflicting. Which leads me to my quandary. My attraction to good guys just might be my ultimate sexual demise.

And that really sucks.

Let's face it, in my sexually active days (how long ago they were indeed), I liked a little... fun (Keepin' it PG-13 in the '08). And the only "God-fearing" man I ever dated used to look at me like I was crazy when I would share with him some fantasy or desire that the average guy (and my other exes) would melt over. Sure, he would reluctantly adhere after a little convincing, but he never truly got into it like I wanted him to, which made it worse than not "spicing it up" at all. I thought it was just him, but come to think about it, it might actually have been his mental association of sexual deviance to religious immorality (which thanks to my highly inappropriate mother, I never made that connection).

So basically, I might be waiting 5 or more years for a lifetime of boring sex. And that makes me want to cry. I mean seriously, I have always looked forward to getting married and having lots of kinky, wild, public, role-playing, third party, swinger, videotaped, tied up, s&m, exhibitionist, ridiculously crazy, freaky sex. Damnit I waited for it, I deserve it. But if my husband isn't into that kind of stuff, I just might be counting cracks on the ceiling for the rest of my sexually active life. And there's no way to sample the product without breaking my vow of abstinence, so basically I'm just screwed (or not screwed, actually).

So when it comes down to it, if I meet someone who loves God, loves me, takes care of me, gives me lots of babies, never lies or cheats, is a good father and a good husband... but is bad in bed... Will I still be satisfied? Are sex and happiness mutually exclusive? At the end of the day, I hope I don't have to think about this and that I'm blessed with a good Christian man who also happens to be a freak. But in the event that I can only have the former and not the latter, I wonder...

Is bad sex a trade-off for a good life?

Homophobia is killing Negroes

2008-01-10T23:51:00.000-05:00

I read a disturbing article today at work.

It stated that though we make up only 13% of the population, African Americans make up 49% of new HIV/AIDS cases in the United States. It also reported that about half of black men with HIV contracted the disease through homosexual contact. Meanwhile, 3/4 of black women with HIV contracted it through heterosexual contact. Now, I'm no statistics major (ok, fine I am), but those numbers just don't seem to add up. The only thing I can come up with is that despite America's best efforts to reduce the high HIV and STD rates in the black community to minorities engaging in more high-risk sexual behavior and intraveneous drug use (which actually is emperically INCORRECT), the reality is, infact, that homophobia is killing black people.

Still not convinced? Let's just think about this a bit. Homosexuality is without a doubt, a lot less accepted in minority communities than in mainstream (white) culture. Sure, there's that one guy who does hair or dresses in drag and calls himself "Miss Jay" that we generally acknowledge is a fruitcake. But when it comes to the average, deep voice, no-swishin', no-lisping, masculine prototypical black man, we just don't want to admit to ourselves that there's a possibility (about 1 in 12 chance to be exact) that he might actually like to take it up the rear. Whether it be our deep ties to Christianity (I'm still looking for that commandment, thou shall not be queer), our general reluctance toward the discussion of sexuality and sexual behavior, or simply our sinful pride, we as a people make it extremely hard for homosexual men to be openly gay in the black community.

So what do gay black men do? They have girlfriends, get married, have children, live a normal life in the public eye, all while satisfying their general inclination toward the male sex in private (You know I wanted to be more explicit but it's 2008). Meanwhile, they're spreading a disease that originated in the gay community (no offense queers, but it's true) to now be a black epidemic.

And it's all our fault.

Ok, fine. Black men also need to take responsibility for their careless behavior and get tested, be aware of their status, and be honest about their sexuality. But we as a community also need to make some changes. We need to stop being so closed-minded about homosexuality and start being more open about sex in general. Because not talking about it doesn't make it go away. Infact, it just means we're not doing anything about it and allowing diseases like HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and genital herpes (all of which blacks have the highest rates) to infest our community.

And frankly, why do we even care? What people do in the privacy of their homes is their damn business. I have a lot to fix about myself in order to get into heaven; I don't have time to be worried about anyone else.

This is an easy fix to a cataclysmic problem.

And furthermore, everyone needs to get tested; not just homos. Fear of testing positive is a pathetic excuse for not protecting yourself and everyone else. PERIOD.

By the way, if any of my exes (none in particular) is reading this and feels inspired to come out of the closet, I will support you and love you regardless. :) :)

All my friends are bastards...

2008-01-06T02:33:00.000-05:00

And most of my siblings are, too.

It's sad, but true. Most of my friends and siblings either don't know, or spent most of their childhood with negligent or non-existent fathers.

And I think it's the downfall of our society.

Not to say bastards are always messed up. Or that those of us with fathers have it all good (my father's other daughter, for example, tops the list of screw-ups). I'm just saying... I can think of a lot of people who seem to find trouble everywhere they go, and most of them, coincidentally, are fatherless.

Allow me to introduce exhibit A: my friend, we will call her Nameless. Nameless knew her father growing up; infact, he practically lived up the street. But let's face it, he was... careless. Without going into too much detail, we'll just say he always found some way to screw things up. Nameless' mom did the best she could as a single parent, but a girl needs a father, if anything just to tell her he loves her and she's beautiful so she doesn't go looking for it elsewhere when she grows up. We were already grown by the time Nameless' dad got his act together. And while he's cool now, the damage has already been done.

Nameless has pretty much spent the past 4 or so years, dealing with the scum of the earth... we'll call him Peanut Butter & Jelly. PB&J is synonymous with, I dunno, the first thought that comes to my mind is that gum/trash mixture that gets stuck on the bottom of your shoe, that it seems like the more you try to remove it, the messier it gets, and eventually you figure it's better just to cut off your foot than to spend another second dealing with that mess. Yes, that's Peanut Butter & Jelly. Anyways, no matter what he does, no matter how many times she catches him with another woman, or two, or three, she just keeps going back to him. And the only explanation for this masochism I can come up with is that she really doesn't think highly enough of herself to believe she actually deserves better than the scum of the earth. Which is sad. Because Nameless is beautiful, intelligent, loving, and kind. She deserves eons more than him. She could saw her entire leg off and still be better off.

But the bastards... they never know their own worth.

Nameless is just one example. Every time I see a woman in some degrading music video, porno, prostitute, crackhead, or in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship... Every man I see dealing drugs, in jail, cracked out, a drop out, or emotionally or physically abusing women, I think... Bastard.

It's a shame. Single mothers, I got nothing but love for what you do. Shoot, I might even end up a single mother one day, too. But the truth is, children need their fathers. The best single mother in the world still doesn't compare to a stable two-parent environment. Men need to step up. People are screwed up enough as it is to go adding to it by being a sperm donor.

Man up and be a father.

And to those of you who are already bastards... please, WAKE UP. Realize your worth. Men and women, don't let your sperm donor dictate what you become in life. Be better than him. The best way to pay him back for all he's done to hurt you is to do just fine without him...

You most of all, Nameless.

Nakupenda Kenya

2008-01-03T12:41:00.000-05:00

This wasn't supposed to be my first post. I was going to talk about why I'm doing this, what I hope to gain, something about me, my hopes, my dreams, I dunno. But all that's on my mind these days is Kenya.

It's not like everything else. I mean, you hear about Rwanda, Sudan, Liberia, everything, and you can just look and go "Oh, how sad. We should do something about it." But Kenya is the only place I want to just jump out of my skin. It is truly the most beautiful country with the most amazing people I've ever been on the planet. And the fact that this is happening there... it just takes the wind out of me. And what's worse, I haven't heard from anyone. I've sent emails, instant messages, texts... No one has responded. I have friends in Eldoret, where the church was burned, and Nairobi... Seeing the pictures on the news, looking at places I've been in flames or with people lying dead on the ground. In my heart, I think I'm looking for my friends...

I know what you're thinking, 300 people died, big deal. What's the probability it's someone you know? But that's not even what scares me. It's the fact that this is how it always starts. A few revolts over some election gone awry, a burned church in a country that holds religion and God above all... What's next? 300,000 lives? 2 million displaced? How long will this go on? When will it be time to start worrying about my friends? When will it be okay for me to look through pictures of the dead and displaced for a familiar face? When will it be okay for me to cry for a country, for a people I love so much??

Because it's NOT just news. It's NEVER JUST NEWS. These are real people...

I wrote out this wonderfully long speech about how we need to do something about it and stop separating ourselves from things that are far away, but the truth is, that's not helping either...

The truth is, all we can do is sit and wait. For an update, a death toll, a news break...

Just do me this one favor, just realize... when you're looking at those numbers, those pictures, that news report, just realize... that's somebody's mother, sister, husband, brother, child...

Those people are real people. And we are NOT exempt. Tragedies like this don't just happen in Africa; revolutions and uprisings can happen anywhere. Don't take your blessings for granted. Being able to walk around freely in your country and not have to worry about men and children with guns and machetes, you are already so very blessed.

We all come from Africa. If God is the Father, she is our mother.

Kenya, salama ya kuonana. Nakupenda sana, na natamani ungekuwepo hapa mama Africa.