Falling from Grace

Yesterday, I’m pretty sure I witnessed one of the greatest of God’s creations.

We went on a trip a few days ago to Masindi district in northwest Uganda to visit the first and largest national park in the country. Before going, we had to meet up at the camp site’s headquarters in Kampala to wait for our vehicle and get the other members in our party. So there was a picture of Murchison Falls on the wall, and I was like “Wow… we’re travelling all this way to see one little waterfall? I could have turned my shower on at home to see that.” So the first day, we saw some baboons and warthogs, hippos, and I’m like woot woot. The second day we went on a safari and saw some elephants, giraffes, crocodiles, and more hippos. We went on this 3 hour boat ride to the falls, and when we got there, I all but asked for my money back at the utter disappointment of it. I think even the picture looked better than the falls, which consisted of some water hitting some rocks in the distance. So yesterday, on the way home, we took a hike up the mountain to see the falls a bit closer. Still not impressed. Okay, a bit nicer, but come on. This place is on the top ten things to see before you die. And here I felt like this was some shit I could have created with a bucket and some rocks.

But then we went around the other side of the path, and got about 3 feet away from the falls. Right up to where the rivers collided and hit up against the mountains at such great speeds, it broke through granite rock and created about 4 to 5 rainbows all around it. And I literally stopped in my tracks, sat down to collect myself, and began to cry. I mean, I wasn’t sobbing like a baby or even tearing up all that much. But on the inside, I felt God right then and there, just wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear the sweetest words of love I can’t even share.

Looking upon it, all I could think was, how could anyone deny that God exists? Nothing, no other power, could create such beauty and splendor. I remembered the day before, I said something along the lines of “I think the Taj Mahal or the pyramids should move up the list above this mess.” But as I was sitting there in complete and total amazement, I heard God tell me that nothing man has ever made could even compare to the wonders He has created on this earth. And it made me laugh… laugh that I was eating all the words I had been saying on the trip thus far. Laugh that the ten or fifteen minutes I spent staring at that waterfall was worth the time, money, and effort it took to get to that point. I laughed. Because all this time, I had been looking for God in Uganda.

And He was right there before my eyes all along.

It almost felt like, selfishly, it felt like God created that amazing display of His majesty so many years ago because He knew that at that moment, at that time, He would find me there. It made me think of His plans for me, and how I tend to try to control things or change things according to my own will, subconsciously thinking that I have to do things myself if I want them to happen. But how silly of me to think that a God who created the earth and the heavens with such magnificent detail, is incapable of accomplishing amazing things in my life and granting me all the desires of my heart. How naïve of me to assume that my plans are in any way better than His plans for me.

In the midst of all this, I thought about the things that I’ve had to witness thus far. The poverty, the injustice, the hunger, war, and despair in Uganda and in Africa as a whole. I thought about how all this time, I’ve been thinking why me? Why did I deserve to be born in a country where freedom is free, where war and hunger and poverty are the exception and not the rule, where clean air, water, and land were the bare necessity and not commodities? Why did I spend my childhood in the safety of my own home, surrounded by love and family and friends, instead of being abducted at the age of 8 to become a child soldier and be forced to kill others, be given as a sex slave, or be killed myself? Why did I dream of rainbows and gardens and unicorns, instead of having nightmares of witnessing my parents be murdered right before my eyes, or of being raped and baring children who would die of hunger or disease, or of the faces of those I was forced to kill?

I thought about how I had been questioning God and His will. How I had been wondering how the same God who delivered me from so much in life, could allow this to happen to people far more innocent and more deserving than myself. And I realized that all this introspection, this existential crisis I had been having here, was like trying to figure out how God created this waterfall. Trying to dissect every drop of water, instead of just admiring its beauty. When it’s not up to me to try and determine His will.

What I should be doing is trying to figure out where I fit in. What my place is—me, just a drop of water—which may seem insignificant, but actually serves as an integral role in God’s creation. And trusting that I might not understand it now, but that it is all part of His will, is the first step to discovering my place on this earth. I am so thankful for this gift from His grace.

“In life, for every question you have… the answer, you will find in nature, if you know where to look.” It’s a line from my favorite movie of all time, The Power of One.

I finally got my answer.

Maybe we're the ones who need to prove ourselves to Him

The second Chronicles of Narnia is even better than the first. The theme is quite resonating. Throughout the movie, the three older children have believed the words of the nation… that “Aslan” has abandoned Narnia and it’s up to the earthly kings to defend their people. They try time and again to take matters into their own hands, only to fail at every attempt. They even nearly seek the help of what can only be described as the devil himself who appears out of nowhere (Matthew 4), offering a victory over their enemies if they only pledge themselves to her (no comment on how the evil one is a woman). It is only the faith of the “little child” (Isaiah 11:6) that leads them finally to call on Aslan, who immediately gives them the victory, and forgives those who did not believe. I had forgotten how much these stories really are meant to remind us, both children and adults alike, that even the smallest faith can move mountains (Matthew 17:20) and that we are more than conquerors through Christ who loves us (Romans 8).

I apologize if I spoiled the movie for you, but it’s not like you didn’t know they were going to be victorious in the end anyway. It’s just that I had to give background in order to segway into this, my first entry in months (sorry).

Since I’ve been here in Uganda, it has been really hard for me to talk to God. I told myself that maybe He just lost track of me in all the travelling I’ve been doing. Or maybe that there is so much pain and suffering on this continent, my prayers are put on the backburner. I’m not talking about this in a superficial way, like I’m asking Him for things and not receiving them; I’m not saying bad things are happening, so therefore He must not be listening. I’m saying that usually when I pray, it’s like I can feel His presence all around me, and I know that He is listening. But here, for some reason, I pray and pray and it just feels like I’m alone. I’ve been here just begging Him to just show Himself to me; just show me that He is really there. Instead I just feel like I’m praying vain. But who would have thought that watching (the bootleg of) that children’s movie would change something in me?

“Maybe we’re the ones who need to prove ourselves to Him.” It was a line that the little girl told her brother when he asked why Aslan wouldn’t just show himself to them.

Crazy… I’ve never heard a movie line that so adequately describes my faith.

Here I am asking God to show Himself to me when how many times has He proven Himself in my lifetime? How can I proclaim that He is almighty and powerful, and with the same mouth profess that He is not listening every single time I call? It is not His presence on which my faith is based; it is His promise.

I find that in our culture especially, people refer to faith as some kind of therapeutic service. “Whatever works for you” I have heard time and again, even just yesterday. People think of God as just a means to an end, and if we can’t see Him, He must therefore not exist except in the minds of religious fanatics. But why are we passively waiting for some great miracle before we can acknowledge Him? Why do we think it’s up to God to prove His presence in our lives? Even in the worst circumstances, He gives us life, the sun, rainbows, nature, family (despite their faults), friends (ditto), and even a complete stranger who manages to say the just the right thing to get you through. How many times have you asked and received? How many times have you looked back on something you did not receive and suddenly understand why it was not given to you at that time? What more proof do you need? Why, instead, are we not attempting every day to make even the remotest fraction of an impact on His world that He has on ours? At what point do we stop making demands on God and start raising our own expectations? When will we realize that we’re the ones who should be proving ourselves to Him?

I started writing this blog yesterday and since then, I have received so many emails of encouragement from my family, friends, and small group (which are both). If I was looking for proof before, it is certainly clear to me now that when for whatever reason, God cannot come wrap His arms around me Himself, He sends His warriors to comfort and assure me that He may not come when I want Him to, but He’s always right on time.

Before I left, I told myself that I would use this time away from everything I know to truly discover who I am now that I have been changed. Perhaps God, who has carried me thus far, is now letting me stand on my own so that I might do just that. Perhaps if I look to my left, I will in fact see two sets of footprints in the sand. Perhaps… it’s not up to me to try to make sense of His will. It seems the only thing I am responsible for… is proving myself to Him.

…I’ll be around. Check back for weekly updates on my travels. For real this time!

I love you and miss you all!!