Dating is a mother

Okay, maybe mothers are a little more complicated (and crazier) than the dating realm, but it comes in a close second.

It goes like this…

You meet someone. You exchange numbers. You agree to meet up and hang out. You say all the right things. You're reading their body language, trying to figure out if they're into you. OR you keep checking your phone, trying to think of an excuse to run away fast if they're intolerable. But for this purpose, let's just focus on the date going fairly well. You walk to your cars, hug, maybe a kiss on the cheek, and part ways. The next morning, you start with the phone checking. Did they text last night to say they had a nice time, or they made it home safely? Will they call and ask to hang out again today? You replay the entire date in your mind, everything you said, everything they said. As the day goes on (or week), you start to think about all the things you might have done or said to make them not interested. Were you too aggressive? Too passive? Did you have something stuck in your teeth? Did they hate your outfit? Were they bored? Did you talk too much? Not talk enough? You start to set up scenarios where you might call them or text them, and what you would say to open up the lines of communication without seeming too crazy or pressed. You send a text message, asking how their day is going. They don't respond. Or they do respond and keep it short. You set up equations and time limits. If they don't call by next Friday at 5pm, you call them and see if they answer. If they don't return your call by 9pm, you erase their number and keep it moving. But what if they do answer? Do you add another 3 days to your equation? Do you plan to casually bump into them some place you know they frequent, making sure to look your best? Do you give up completely? And anyway, what the hell did you do wrong to make them not interested in the first place?!?!?

I know some of that seems extreme, but I promise every single one of us has done at least one (if not all) of these things at some point after a first or second date. The dating "game" is a complex and confusing situation. It causes more anxiety in young singles than STD and pregnancy tests combined. Those of us who think we've mastered the art, if we really took a step back and examined our abstract masterpiece, we'd realize it's some shit a 5 year old could do. And those of us who realize we're clueless, well, sadly, in general, are clueless just to how clueless we really are.

We want answers. We want equations. We want dos and don'ts that work every time. We need to know exactly what to do or say to get someone's attention, and the plan thereafter to keep it. And for the most part, there are equations that work for short-terms goals. You want them to like you, here's what you say. You want them to have sex with you, here's what you do. We watch the shows, read the books. We have the game all figured out.

I once had a guy invent the most fictitious representation of reality that never existed, just because he knew enough about me make himself what he thought I wanted in a man. I have 2 degrees from 2 prestigious universities; he said he had one from a prestigious university. I have no kids; he said he had no kids. I have a good-paying job; he said he had a steady income. I've never been married; he said he's never been married. I love Jesus; he pretended to be a devout Christian. I could probably go on for days, but you get the point, and I imagine you can also guess that after a month or so, everything began to unravel and I found out that about 90% of that was completely made up on the spot.

I felt dumb, but at the same time, it made me think about all the times I've stretched the truth to make myself more desirable to a man. Maybe not to such extremes, but I've definitely pretended to be more interested in, say, basketball, than I actually am. I've acted more religious, or less religious, based on what he seemed to expect out of a woman. I pretended like I read a lot of books if I needed to seem more intellectual. If I was attracted enough to a guy, I knew what to say to get his attention. I know enough about cars, sports, and hip hop music to sound like the type of girl every man wants. But (with the exception of college football and American muscle), those are not the things that really get me going. And all the while, I'm setting this whole relationship up for complete and utter failure.

Because eventually, I'll grow weary of pretending to be something I'm not. And eventually, he won't be able to maintain his act any longer. The chips will fall down, the masks will come off, and you will be left with someone you don't even know in them and someone you don't even recognize in yourself.

So what's the solution? How do we keep this from happening from the beginning?

Well I got some advice this morning that pretty much changed my entire approach. The advice, from a very intelligent and very missed friend of mine I like to call Henry the V, was simple – change my approach.
Instead of going into a dating situation trying to get someone to like me, my goal should be to find out whether or not I like them. Instead of thinking of all the right things to say or do to make myself more desirable to them, I should be interested in whether they're desirable to me. Because if we really took the time to learn a person, instead of focusing so much on whether they're interested in us, 9 times out of 10, we'd probably realize we're not even all that interested in or compatible with them, and it'd save ourselves a lot of heartache and disappointment.

So on date number one, our GOAL should not be to impress them or make them like us; our goal should be to find out more about them. From that point, or goal should be to be honest with ourselves and them, and decide whether or not this is someone who, just as they are, would get along with and accept us just as we are. If not, it takes all the pressure off of why they haven't called, why they're ignoring our texts, or why they're not interested. Because we're not longer interested in them being interested in us. And since we don't really know enough about them to know for sure whether we're truly interested in them, it's no harm, no foul to move forward and find someone else with a mutual compatibility.

So that's the secret. It's simple, but when I think about it, it's not something anyone has ever told me before. I thought I knew all the tricks, all the things to say, all the things to do or not do, what comes off as crazy, what turns them off, what makes them sprung. But no one ever told me to stop trying to do all the right things, and just be myself and focus on what they have to bring to the table.

I feel like I have a whole new lease on dating. And of course I don't think I can just change all my bad behaviors in one day, but I do feel a bit of a load lifted, and I feel like I have a new mindset that might just change everything.

So I wanted to share it with you. Those of you who are out there dating (and as more of my friends keep getting engaged and married, I'm realizing that number is decreasing), stop checking your phone, stop making timelines, and quit with all the expectations. Don't change anything about yourself to get someone's attention. Change your approach. Change your long term and short term goals. Stop worrying about whether they like you, and focus on whether or not you really like them.

I imagine it will change your life.

It ain’t preachin’ if you got Him

Yes, I turned an annoying hip hop anthem about prostitution into a religious proclamation. I can do that.

I was reading a post on my favorite site about a blogger's journey back to God, and it seemed to me that a lot of commenters were in agreement about a central idea: that going around "preaching" to everyone you come across often inspires just the opposite of the intended effect, and pushes people even further away from Him. And while I agree that the best way to show God's love is to display it through your character and actions "so they will see your good works and glorify our Father in heaven", I have also come to realize that (the first part of that quote is) "a city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden." And while pushing Jesus down someone's throat is never the ideal approach, I'm starting to see that the notion of "preaching" is solely based on the reception of it to those around you.

In other words, I'm just bragging about my perfect husband; you can take it any way you want to.

Furthermore, the common opinion seems to be that a person ought to be perfect in order to talk to anyone about God. If they know your flaws, then all you're proving is how much of a hypocrite you (and most Christians) are. I'm not exempt from feeling this way at some point in my life.

Yet this past Sunday, I woke up after a night of partying entirely too hardy in Austin, and numerous individuals informed me that I was telling everyone how much I love Jesus the night before (in several different languages). I don't remember most of it, and at first I was really embarrassed and disappointed in myself because I felt like a drunk person wearing a huge cross pennant and telling people about Jesus was not only incredibly stupid, but also probably validated everyone's opinion that all Christians are hypocrites. But after I thought about it for awhile, I just had to laugh. I laughed because I realized that even in my drunken state – even when I didn't know what I was talking about, and when I could only be honest because the Truth serum was flowing all through my veins – the number one thing on my mind was none other than the Love of my life.

And however anyone else perceived it was their problem, not mine.

When I look back, I realize that most of the time I accused someone of "preaching" to me (when I was in-between faiths), they were actually just telling me how wonderful God had been to them in their life, and I took it personally so I wouldn't feel so guilty or closed-minded for not believing. And every time I've been accused of shoving Jesus down someone's throat (don't even entertain that), I was usually just talking about how much I love Him and how my life has changed ever since He found me. I didn't tell anyone to go to church. I've never told anyone to read their Bible or confess their sins and be saved. I've never done any of the typical Jesus-pushing – because I've always acknowledged that in the same way that I never listened to anyone else until it was my turn to hear it, everyone has to make their own choices and live their life according to their own free will.

But in the same breath, it only took one person telling me about their journey in faith to make me examine my own. So what if God entrusts me with the task of telling my story to someone at the very moment He opens their heart to it, and I pass it by out of fear of offending them? How has our desire to be politically correct and inoffensive somehow surpassed our longing to please God? Because it shouldn't. Because at the end of the day, when everything else fades away and everyone else has disappeared, the only thing that matters is what we do for Him. I'm not talking about converting people or knocking on doors or shouting Bible verses from street corners. I'm just talking about letting your light shine before man.

If you feel like I've been trying to convert you all this time, please understand that is not my intention. I talk about Jesus most of the time because I'm in love. I try to fit Him into every conversation, I try to bring Him up when no one was even talking about him. He crosses my mind, and it makes me blush. He brings me sunshine, and I can't stop smiling. I don't want you to know about Him because I want you to have Him for yourself (though I am willing to share); I want you to know about Him because you just happen to be listening or reading or just in the vicinity of my presence, and I just want to brag about my boo to someone for a little while. If that means I offend you, then I guess that's your burden to bare, cuz I'm not gonna hold it in anymore. If that means we can't be friends, then I guess I have one less friend (or reader), but that's just a risk I'll have to take. If that means you're sitting there thinking if you hear or see His name one more time, you're gonna strangle me and burn the next church you see, then guess what? Jesus.

I love Him. That's all. It just isn't about you.

Jesus is the light of my world.

And I'm gonna let it shine, let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.