Spare some change

Okay, okay. In my defense, I didn't have a laptop cord for like 6 weeks throughout November and part of December. There were times I wanted to write, but I couldn't bare to sit at my desk in that cold computer room in the middle of the night just to blog to no one. I especially had some fun topics for post-election drizzle (fo shizzle). But I missed all that. And I feel like part of myself is missing, too.

Here goes it.

A friend recently (like 5 minutes ago) asked me what has changed in me in the past year since I started this blog. Looking back at my first entries, I realized what changed in me is the thing that made me who I was... what changed in me was the change in me.

Last year, I was becoming the person I had always wanted to be... I was in love with Jesus and I eventually loved myself as a result. I was working on being a good person and doing the right things, and I stood my ground and kept myself pure in many ways. It was a good road to be on. And I don't know if it was the trip to Uganda (or unfortunate companions) or the culture shock of coming back to this world, but something happened along the way (what used to be happy was sad...) and now I feel like I'm back at one.

What makes it so easy to go back, and so hard to move forward?

Is change not change no matter which direction?

Why is it that it took me 2 years to be "good" and only 2 months to get... ugly? It's like weight (a subject I know all too well). It could take you a month to gain back something it took a year to lose. Losing weight takes a lot of time, energy, and money. And so does losing bad habits. I haven't been able to do either since my last entry. And I'm just starting to understand why.

It's mostly our own fears that keep us from doing the right thing, but it has a bit to do with other people as well. Sometimes I think, well everyone already thinks I'm this way, and everyone's going to think it's fake if I try and change, so I may as well stay the same. But that's ridiculous. Why am I going to sacrifice my salvation so others won't think I'm fake? What will those people mean in the end anyway? I'm the only one who has to live for me, so what does it even matter?

We have to stop letting our fears get in the way of our blessings. If I know what I need to be, and I'm not that, then nothing's stopping me but myself. I have no obligation to that self-fulfilling prophecy to be whatever it is everyone says I am. Every day I get the chance to change into whomever I want to be. That's the beauty of being saved. My mistakes yesterday don't affect my chances to be better tomorrow.

You can be different... And if you're not Jesus, you probably should be different.

If you were waiting for some sign from God in order to change your life, let this be it. You don't have to be perfect in order to be better. You just have to be better.

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I know this is a bit introspective but it's been awhile. Just had to get that off my chest. Bare with me.