Dating is a mother

Okay, maybe mothers are a little more complicated (and crazier) than the dating realm, but it comes in a close second.

It goes like this…

You meet someone. You exchange numbers. You agree to meet up and hang out. You say all the right things. You're reading their body language, trying to figure out if they're into you. OR you keep checking your phone, trying to think of an excuse to run away fast if they're intolerable. But for this purpose, let's just focus on the date going fairly well. You walk to your cars, hug, maybe a kiss on the cheek, and part ways. The next morning, you start with the phone checking. Did they text last night to say they had a nice time, or they made it home safely? Will they call and ask to hang out again today? You replay the entire date in your mind, everything you said, everything they said. As the day goes on (or week), you start to think about all the things you might have done or said to make them not interested. Were you too aggressive? Too passive? Did you have something stuck in your teeth? Did they hate your outfit? Were they bored? Did you talk too much? Not talk enough? You start to set up scenarios where you might call them or text them, and what you would say to open up the lines of communication without seeming too crazy or pressed. You send a text message, asking how their day is going. They don't respond. Or they do respond and keep it short. You set up equations and time limits. If they don't call by next Friday at 5pm, you call them and see if they answer. If they don't return your call by 9pm, you erase their number and keep it moving. But what if they do answer? Do you add another 3 days to your equation? Do you plan to casually bump into them some place you know they frequent, making sure to look your best? Do you give up completely? And anyway, what the hell did you do wrong to make them not interested in the first place?!?!?

I know some of that seems extreme, but I promise every single one of us has done at least one (if not all) of these things at some point after a first or second date. The dating "game" is a complex and confusing situation. It causes more anxiety in young singles than STD and pregnancy tests combined. Those of us who think we've mastered the art, if we really took a step back and examined our abstract masterpiece, we'd realize it's some shit a 5 year old could do. And those of us who realize we're clueless, well, sadly, in general, are clueless just to how clueless we really are.

We want answers. We want equations. We want dos and don'ts that work every time. We need to know exactly what to do or say to get someone's attention, and the plan thereafter to keep it. And for the most part, there are equations that work for short-terms goals. You want them to like you, here's what you say. You want them to have sex with you, here's what you do. We watch the shows, read the books. We have the game all figured out.

I once had a guy invent the most fictitious representation of reality that never existed, just because he knew enough about me make himself what he thought I wanted in a man. I have 2 degrees from 2 prestigious universities; he said he had one from a prestigious university. I have no kids; he said he had no kids. I have a good-paying job; he said he had a steady income. I've never been married; he said he's never been married. I love Jesus; he pretended to be a devout Christian. I could probably go on for days, but you get the point, and I imagine you can also guess that after a month or so, everything began to unravel and I found out that about 90% of that was completely made up on the spot.

I felt dumb, but at the same time, it made me think about all the times I've stretched the truth to make myself more desirable to a man. Maybe not to such extremes, but I've definitely pretended to be more interested in, say, basketball, than I actually am. I've acted more religious, or less religious, based on what he seemed to expect out of a woman. I pretended like I read a lot of books if I needed to seem more intellectual. If I was attracted enough to a guy, I knew what to say to get his attention. I know enough about cars, sports, and hip hop music to sound like the type of girl every man wants. But (with the exception of college football and American muscle), those are not the things that really get me going. And all the while, I'm setting this whole relationship up for complete and utter failure.

Because eventually, I'll grow weary of pretending to be something I'm not. And eventually, he won't be able to maintain his act any longer. The chips will fall down, the masks will come off, and you will be left with someone you don't even know in them and someone you don't even recognize in yourself.

So what's the solution? How do we keep this from happening from the beginning?

Well I got some advice this morning that pretty much changed my entire approach. The advice, from a very intelligent and very missed friend of mine I like to call Henry the V, was simple – change my approach.
Instead of going into a dating situation trying to get someone to like me, my goal should be to find out whether or not I like them. Instead of thinking of all the right things to say or do to make myself more desirable to them, I should be interested in whether they're desirable to me. Because if we really took the time to learn a person, instead of focusing so much on whether they're interested in us, 9 times out of 10, we'd probably realize we're not even all that interested in or compatible with them, and it'd save ourselves a lot of heartache and disappointment.

So on date number one, our GOAL should not be to impress them or make them like us; our goal should be to find out more about them. From that point, or goal should be to be honest with ourselves and them, and decide whether or not this is someone who, just as they are, would get along with and accept us just as we are. If not, it takes all the pressure off of why they haven't called, why they're ignoring our texts, or why they're not interested. Because we're not longer interested in them being interested in us. And since we don't really know enough about them to know for sure whether we're truly interested in them, it's no harm, no foul to move forward and find someone else with a mutual compatibility.

So that's the secret. It's simple, but when I think about it, it's not something anyone has ever told me before. I thought I knew all the tricks, all the things to say, all the things to do or not do, what comes off as crazy, what turns them off, what makes them sprung. But no one ever told me to stop trying to do all the right things, and just be myself and focus on what they have to bring to the table.

I feel like I have a whole new lease on dating. And of course I don't think I can just change all my bad behaviors in one day, but I do feel a bit of a load lifted, and I feel like I have a new mindset that might just change everything.

So I wanted to share it with you. Those of you who are out there dating (and as more of my friends keep getting engaged and married, I'm realizing that number is decreasing), stop checking your phone, stop making timelines, and quit with all the expectations. Don't change anything about yourself to get someone's attention. Change your approach. Change your long term and short term goals. Stop worrying about whether they like you, and focus on whether or not you really like them.

I imagine it will change your life.