All my single... Dads?

In the near 25 years of my life until now, I can honestly say that I’ve probably met all of two single Dads, and I’m pretty sure both of them were single as a result of a deceased or mentally unfit wife.

I moved to San Antonio, and that number exponentiated. I now know of about 8.

Two of them are really close friends, which leads me to believe there are a LOT more out there that I just haven’t had the pleasure of meeting.

Now when I say “single Dad”, I’m not talking about someone who is SINGLE and has bastards. I know too many of those. I’m also not talking about someone who gets their kids on the weekend, or for one week out of the year. What I’m talking about are men whose exes are completely alive and stable, yet they have full custody of their children for at least 6 months out of the year (and most of them—my 2 friends included—have 100% full custody), and there is no other woman living in their home.

Now think about that for a minute. How many of these guys do you know?

I’m imagining that number is close to 0.

What I’ve noticed from becoming close to some of these extraordinary gentlemen is that the plight of the single Dad is so different from that of a single Mom. Granted, there are a lot of similarities. There are also some unintended bonuses: like that women actually think it’s HOT (for a short while) for a man to be a single Dad, whereas men don’t exactly flock to single Moms. I also imagine society (particularly the work world) probably tends to be a lot more lenient with single Dads because it is such a less understood phenomenon (i.e. single Dads are probably aloud a lot more leeway with coming in late, leaving early, and taking days off for the sake of their kids). Yet there are a lot of things that make the plight of a single Dad particularly admirable, so if you will, allow me to marvel.

Single Dads don’t have friends that are willing to watch their kids. I mean, yes, they probably have female friends, but one thing I’ve heard from my close single Dad friends is that usually, they are weary of letting close female friends be around their kids too much because they might get attached, or they might feel like the women are using their kids to get close to them. I never thought about it like that before, but it makes total sense. So if you only trust people of the same gender with your children (as most women do), you’re pretty much screwed. Because I don’t know a lot of men who will watch their homeboy’s kids for them while they go out on a date or run errands. So they end up scratching the dating game right off their list. Which leads me to my second point.

Single Dads find it harder to bring significant others around their kids. This isn’t to say that single Moms don’t do the same. But I think I definitely see the distinction here. Children with absent mothers tend to look for that womanly affection or comfort more adamantly than they look for guidance and protection from a father – usually the desperate need for father figures comes a bit later in life. For younger children, they need emotion, love, and comfort that generally only women can provide. So by bringing a woman around, you risk the chance of (both parties) getting overly attached, and if things don’t work out, it leaves a very messy situation.

It’s more difficult for single Dads to tap in to that “Mommy” side than it is for single Moms to tap into their “Daddy” side. What I mean is that our society does not encourage men to be emotional, expressive, tender, or vulnerable. So when the mother is out of the picture, a man has to take on roles that up until this point have been foreign to him. The traditional roles of a Daddy: protection, guidance, discipline, and strength, are a lot easier for a woman to take on because it is not dissuaded (as much) for women to have these traits in our society. So in a sense, women are somewhat built by nature (and nurture) to be able to handle single parenting; whereas men are most definitely not.

Single Dads have a lot less of an (emotional) support system in place than single Moms. I’m not saying it’s easy for single Moms. But most single women know other single mothers that they can talk to, and who understand what they’re going through. Even though I know 6 single Dads in this one city, none of them knows each other, and all of them say the same thing when I tell them I know a handful of other single Dads: “What?!? You mean there’s other guys out there like me?? And here I thought I was special…” Sounds like a joke, but I know it stems from a very difficult feeling of loneliness, and even resentment. Because it’s hard. There aren’t exactly a plethora of support groups built around single fatherhood. And if they talk about their vulnerabilities to anyone, they might think he’s weak or less of a man. Single Moms can cry every single day, have a nervous breakdown, seek counseling, and probably even commit herself, and no one will think anything of it because we all sympathize with the plight of the single mother (these days, most of us were even products of one). Yet if a single Dad shows one sign of weakness, he’s still just a man crying, and who wants to see that?

So… I’d like to take the time to give a shout out to all my single Dads out there handlin’ their business. Keep grinding. ;-) It’ll all be worth it in the end.

Now put your hands up, Uh uh oh Uh uh Oh oh oh oh Oh Oh oh.

I see you.