Homewrecking is my favorite passtime

No, truly, I have never done such a thing (to my knowledge, anyway).

But with all this hype about Alicia Keys breaking up Swizz Beatz’s marriage, a lot of women seem to be busting out the claws and pointing evil glares in the direction of A. Keys. In the past, I would have hopped right on that bandwagon; yet, in light of recent life incidents, allow me to rebut on Miss Keys’ behalf.

First of all, ladies, we ALL live in some glass houses. Hence, stone-throwing seems way out of the question. Most women have at some point seen a man in a happy relationship or marriage and caught themselves looking at him sideways and making some kind of comment along the lines of, “Why can’t I find a man like that?” when in reality, you mean, “Why can’t I have THAT man?” as Chris Rock once suggested. As women, our very nature is jealousy and competition, so seeing anyone with something we want, our first instinct is to prey.

Before you proclaim that “that’s not me”, allow me to point out that unfailingly, without question, every single time I’ve gone out with a remotely attractive guy friend (or just walked down the street with him), some complete stranger female has either glared at me, gave him the eyes, or flat out came up and talked to him the moment I turned my head in the other direction. So if that’s happening 100% of the time, then statistically speaking (and I don’t have to remind you of my job title), there are a lot more of you home-wreckin’-tendency-havin’ women out there than you might want to admit.

Second, if you haven’t been in A. Keys’ shoes, it’s even less advisable to chuck that boulder from within your crystalline home. It’s one thing to be the aggressor and actively pursue a married man. That’s trifflin’. But if a (remotely attractive – and even worse if he’s extremely attractive) married man comes at you consistently and persistently for an extended period of time, it gets more and more difficult to check that moral code of yours. Add to the equation, perhaps, that you and Mister were friends beforehand, you click on several different levels, you have common goals, a common social circle, etc., and see if you don’t find yourself “envisioning” the possibility that he might divorce his wife (for irreconcilable differences, of course, and having nothing at all to do with you) and just-so-happen to find his way into your arms after one week of extensive separation.

It’s a lot easier than you think.

That’s not to say it’s impossible to resist a married man that fits all those descriptions. For some people (like those who have experienced infidelity firsthand, or whose parents divorced due to the same), they might not even flinch. They can just walk away from that friendship completely guilt-free, knowing they didn’t so much as *think* about the possibility. But for most of us (screwed up human being-types), it’s not that easy. At the end of the day, I will reject married man after married man after married man, regardless of the situation. But am I so innocent that I have never found myself daydreaming, falling victim of flirtation, or even flirting back with a man who is otherwise engaged?

Yeah… no. Not at all. I’ve been that girl. And I consider myself a person with a pretty strict moral code. Yet I’m still not so stone cold that I don’t respond in some kind of way to someone’s attraction or attention to me, regardless of how far I will or will not allow it to go.

I mean, after all, I’m only human.

Lastly, we women are way too tough on our own kind. I never understood why there’s so much tension between blacks and Mexicans, when they could just team up and hate white people (if they really just had to hate someone). If we women want to hate on someone in this situation, first and foremost it should be the man. Again, I’m excluding women who flat out hard-core pursue married men (A. Jolie for instance). But for someone like Alicia Keys (who seems to otherwise be a genuine person), dang, can’t we give the girl a break? If we want to be mad at someone, why not Swizzy? I mean, if anyone knew his marital status, it was certainly him. And if anyone can be held responsible for a man stepping out on his wife, or leaving her for another woman, it is without a doubt the man himself.

And even then, refer back to point #1. Why do we want so badly to judge others when we don’t ever look at our own mistakes and failings? I think we all need to get our judgment tendencies in check.

After all, no matter how much Windex I use, it will never fix my broken home.

Love his Big Ego

I got some interesting advice today from someone I hold to the highest regard, being a friend, somewhat of a mentor, and spiritual leader to me.

I was talking about how men tend to be intimidated – or rather – feel less adequate as a man around women who are intelligent, successful, opinionated, and educated (especially if it’s at a level equal or better than themselves). Of course this does not include all men; I know some guys who truly appreciate a woman who has it all together, even if it means they get outshined in some ways. But some – and I would venture to even say most – guys seem to want a woman to take a back-seat in a relationship, look up to him and his opinion, and in a lot of ways, give a man a sense of responsibility and leadership in life. In another words, he wants a woman to stroke his ego (no Beyonce`).

So my friend says this: Most women don’t know the secret. And the ones that do are the ones who end up with the good men. Not saying a woman should be submissive and have no opinions or ideas. Just saying that if a woman really wants to have a successful relationship, she has to know that sometimes, it’s best just to let him win. Sometimes you have to make him feel like it was his idea all along when you know you suggested it in the first place. Sometimes you just have to say “Wow honey, you’re so much smarter/stronger/better at this than I am. I dunno what I’d do without you.” And at the end of the day, deep deep down he’ll know you’re the better, but just thinking that you think HE is, is enough for him to want to keep your around.

And as much as I wanted to get on my post-modern post-structuralist feminist platform and curse him out about how his Muslim total submission ideals just set women back 50 years or a few continents to the east, I bit my tongue and practiced his teachings by saying, “You’re right, Chap. Great advice. You're so smart. What would I do without you?” And after the blood rushed back through my body, I started to think about this.

In some ways, he has a valid point (and being that he’s an older, wiser man, I’m willing to consider it). A male ego seems to be a lot like a woman’s heart. We will never understand it, see its purpose, or agree to anything it needs. But at the end of the day, women who are most successful in relationships are the ones who do what they can to keep the male ego(s) happy. Guys will never understand the deep, emotional workings of a woman’s heart. But the ones that just bite their tongue and pretend to care about our feelings and do the things we need them to do or say to make us feel more “secure” in our relationship are the ones that we tend to keep around. Perhaps it’s the same for men with their egos. Perhaps the big secret IS to just suck it up (pause) and give it a little stroke (double pause).

I mean, granted, I can agree that a man is the leader of a household, and should therefore be the leader in a relationship, so in a way, I see how he would need to feel dominant. But can’t he feel good about himself in other ways (like, say, his bedroom performance or ability to change a tire)? Does it always have to come down to brains, careers, and money??

I don’t know. Because on the way home, I shared these opinions with my (less – uh - colorful) man friend, and he seemed to suggest the complete opposite was true. His opinion was that a man who needs a woman to make him feel better about himself and more secure in his masculinity was not a man at all, and certainly not worthy of a good woman. Most guys “he knows” want a woman to challenge his thinking, call him out on his stuff, and drive him both intellectually and physically. And even though I think some of these men are talking real big game to their guy friends and at the end of the day, really do want a woman they can dominate (no CB), I actually believe that what he’s saying is true also.

Which leads me to the big question: Is this “ego” problem merely a black/minority phenomenon or does it apply to all men? Is there something in black/Hispanic/Arabic culture that drives men to feel the need for a constant ego boost from a woman, or does this bleed through color lines? Does the constant degradation of black (and Hispanic) men in our society and the media cause them to look to other means to boost themselves back up? Are minority women bearing the burden of hundreds of years of oppression and damaged self-worth? Who is bearing OUR burden? SHOULD it be our job to dumb ourselves down or downplay our success/education in order to make a man feel better about himself? Or is it just catering to the complex needs of a man the way he (should) cater to our own?

I need some answers.

Guys, HONESTLY, do you tend to gravitate toward women who “wanna be saved”, or do you TRULY appreciate a successful woman, even if she’s more successful than you? Could you honestly be in a relationship with someone more intelligent, or who makes more money than you do?

Ladies, do you find yourself biting your tongue, and singing praises about your man’s “big ego” just to make sure he feels good about himself? Or do you, like me, find yourself single most of the time because you refuse to fall back when you know you’re right?

Don’t get me wrong… I love a big ego as much as the next girl. But is it really my job is stroke it???

You tell me.