People here are nice

This morning, I was running late for work (as usual) and (for once) the bus driver decided to wait for me before taking off. It was the last shuttle for another 15 minutes, and I was fully aware of that as I approached at a speedy pace.

Yet once I got on the bus, I noticed a line of people waiting to be seated, and I realized this probably meant seats were running low. To my chagrin, I was the last person left standing without a seat, and the driver started to glance in his rearview mirror, wondering why everyone wasn’t sitting down. It only took me a second to read the big sign in bold letters that said “ABSOLUTELY NO STANDING ROOM” and realize it was time to exit shuttle left. Without hesitation, a young man sitting down beside me scooted out of his seat and told me to sit there. I initially declined and started to make my way back to the front, when he grabbed my arm and said, “Hey, either you’re going to sit there or the seat’s gonna stay empty because I’m not sitting back down.” So I thanked him and obliged to sit in his seat. He squatted down in the back and tried to make it look like he was sitting in the back row. I know the bus driver probably noticed, but I guess he couldn’t get in trouble if it looked to everyone else like he was sitting down. So he took off, and for the duration of the trip, I was in complete and total shock over the fact that a complete stranger gave up his seat and squatted down for 15 minutes on a shaky charter bus just so I could get to work on time. I was overwhelmed.

All I kept thinking was what I should do in return. Give him a hug? Keep saying thank you over and over until he wished he hadn’t done it? Introduce myself?? Nothing seemed appropriate in this situation. He did a really amazingly nice thing, and I doubt he wanted any credit or repayment for it. He was just a nice person – or either he was just being a gentleman (because chivalry is not dead in the military for sure)—and anything I did would just take away from the simplicity of his random act of kindness. So I just thanked him again and enjoyed the ride to work.

But it got me thinking. I didn’t deserve that. I was late. I should have been there on time, and he could have stayed seated. I’m not a good person. Why should people be nice to me? I was so humbled.

I was also reminded that just yesterday, the cashier at the defac (cafeteria), who probably recognized my OCD, was curious as to why I did not get French toast that morning, and I told him they had run out. So he says “brb” and goes in the kitchen and gets me the last piece of French toast “so I don’t have a bad day”. Not only did he get it for me, he gave it to me for free.

And I was speechless. Again, moved by kindness. And again, undeserving.

I can think of so many situations where I've felt this way, especially since I’ve been here. Random strangers helped me move into my apartment (from start to finish) the day I got here. A random guy offered me tips on where to go, what to do, and how to get around the first day I moved in, and his advice has been priceless ever since. People give me free stuff, help me out when I don't even ask, and compliment me all the time (not just here), and I know I don’t deserve it.

The truth is none of us deserves anything good that happens in our lives. Which is why we always want to pay people back when they do something nice. Only there’s no way to pay someone back for a kind gesture without taking away from the random benevolence in it. What makes people feel good about doing something kind is knowing they did it without getting anything back. So the only way I can return the favor to the guy from the bus, or the cashier from lunch, or the people who helped me move in is to pay it forward. Someone was kind to me, so when the opportunity presents itself, I should do something completely selfless for someone else, and maybe they will feel compelled to do the same, and so on and so forth.

That’s what makes this a “nice” town. It’s not that people are just raised better here or the culture or stress level is different than everywhere else (though that might also be true). It’s merely the perpetuation of kind acts which allows for an atmosphere of graciousness and humility.

The beauty of kindness is that it only starts with one person, yet has the propensity to grow exponentially, as long as we nourish it and continue its cycle.

And it usually doesn’t even take something big. It’s as easy as complimenting someone’s outfit or haircut, or giving someone a hug, or telling them they’re appreciated. Sometimes even the smallest gesture can make a big difference on someone’s day – even sometimes the difference between life and death.

People aren’t nice here. Not anymore than they are anywhere else. People just tend to take opportunities for generosity when they’re presented with them. But that’s most likely because someone was nice to them, and so on and so forth, all starting back with just one.

That person could be you.

So make your town a nice town. Do something nice for someone today. :)


“Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven…” –Matthew 5:16.

Lookin for Love

I heard a startling statistic the other day. Someone said that 1 in 8 couples married last year in the United States met online. Now, as a statistician (hehe), I know that 7 out of 8 statistics are completely made up, and I’m pretty sure that’s one of them (as is that one). But even so, I happen to know of at least 3 couples that met through internet dating sites or random connections via social networking sites, and it seems to be a growing phenomenon despite, or perhaps in favor of, statistics.

I’ve thought about joining one of these dating sites once or twice – maybe even signed up for a free one just to check it out, and then deleted myself after like one day of not being impressed. And I certainly have friends that have actually paid for the eharmony’s or the match.com’s at hopes of finding Mr. or Ms. Right via PhotoShopped pictures and sound bite communication.

As for me, I have my doubts. Well, I should say reservations.

It’s not that I don’t think it’s possible to find true love on the net. I mean, I guess it’s not different from the old days when people (who were hooked up, I dunno, by their grandparents or something) would write each other for years and years and send pictures, and make this profound connection through merely words on a page, having never actually met. But in most of those situations, there was some other circumstance which allowed them to know of each other in the first place—like mutual friends or wartime correspondence. In any case, it feels more like fate when you didn’t seek out that person, but find them, instead, by chance.

So I guess my real issue with internet dating, speed dating, or any other thing we do to seek out a significant other, is that I feel like, in some weird way, we’re attempting to take fate into our own hands. It’s like I’m telling God, “Actually, You’re not doing it fast enough, so I think I’ll go ahead and find someone on my own, thank You very much.”

And in my experience, every time I try and take things into my own hands (in any aspect of life), it never seems to work out quite as well as when it happens just by chance. I have a sticky suspicion God's plans are just a little bit more perfect-er than my own. Which makes me pretty hesitant to do anything that even remotely resembles my own idea.

I guess on the other hand, one could argue that the reason they felt the desire to go to that particular dating site at that particular time was because they were meant to find that exact person there… Is it still taking fate into your own hands if you think fate is leading you to that site in the first place??

.

Maybe that’s a stretch, but I don’t think it’s any different than, say, going to a club or gym or even church with the idea in the back of your mind (I don’t do this, ya’ll – lol) that you could potentially meet the love of your life there. Just like dating sites, odds are PRETTY high that I won’t find my next great relationship in the frozen food aisle at Kroger (like my friend, whoever...), so what’s the real harm in going there with the hopes that I might?

.

I suppose the harm is that when I’m at any other (regular) place where people meet, I generally go there with some other intention other than to find someone to date. And even if that IS my first priority (like going to a bar, for instance), I’m probably getting something else out of it (like a fun night out) aside from those realized hopes. If I happen to pick up a guy, it’s just a bonus.

But when we seek out love, are we not setting ourselves up for disappointment in the end?? The internet allows for convenient omissions we might not have otherwise had the ability to avoid had we connected in person… So if we build this person (or ourselves) up to be something they’re not, in the end, will we not be sadly disillusioned?

Furthermore, wouldn’t it be better to know that love found you, rather than the other way around?? Where does the line between fate and free will get fuzzy??

I dunno, I’m just talkin…

Any thoughts??

Alphabet Soup

Mmmmm, all this needs is a little Texas Pete.

So it’s been awhile. Okay, that’s probably an understatement. But if you knew how hectic my life has been (and how little internet access I’ve had) over the past 5 (geez) months, you’d be just a little bit forgiving. So 10-second wrap-up: I completed my thesis, exams, and earned a Master’s degree, took a road trip (or 3) across the country, got a job (HALLELUJAH!), rented out my house in Atlanta, moved to San Antonio (in 3 days flat), and started a brand new life in a city where I know absolutely 100% no one. Aannnddd breathe.

So before I get rolling with all the mentally constipated blogs that I’ve written in my mind over the past 5 months (which hopefully will be posted every couple of days over the next few weeks), there’s just one tiny thing I have to acknowledge out in the open just one time (since this is the place I’m supposed to come clean about things like this), and hopefully never again have to admit:

I was wrong.

Okay, lift your jaw up off the floor. I know, I know. It’s not something that happens very often (well, the admitting part anyway). But recently, I’ve had to take back some of the harshest words I’ve ever expressed, and it’s a lesson that I need to share.

So here’s the message; like to hear it? Here is goes.

God has a twerrific (what movie?) sense of humor.

He likes when you tell Him about your plans as if life’s actually going to go your way at any point. More specifically, He loves when you say things like “I’ll never do this” or “That will never happen to me,” because it just gives Him that much more incentive to make those things happen even faster.

The best part about God’s sense of humor is that He will not only make you EAT your words, but for extra fun, He’ll make sure you LIKE the taste of them. MmmmMMmmmmm, sweet regret. Tastes so good.

So two years ago, my Mom said she was moving to Texas, and my Dad decided to buy a house for her to live in. I cursed the grounds of that house. Cried about how they were moving to the ONE STATE I would NEVER live in, and when I got married and had children of my own (or bastards without the marriage), they would never know their grandparents just like I didn’t get to know my Tejano grandpeeps. I vowed to live on the east coast for the rest of my life. I am, after all, an east coast baby. Born and raised in VA, undergrad in PA, and grad school in GA. There was just no way. Furthermore, the dumbest, most backward, racist people (outside of Alabama) live in Texas, and I could never be a part of that society. Words, words, words.

Now for the feast. With my mom to Texas came my nephew; with my nephew came my sister. My brother had a daughter, and now, just based on pure mathematics (which is how generally I roll), I have more immediate family in the state of Texas than I do on the entire east coast. Damn you, arithmetic.

Furthermore, it only took a couple conversations with my nephew telling me he wants to move to Atlanta to live with me to realize I can’t spend another year missing him grow up. He is, after all, pretty much the only man in my life. The other man in my life (my Daddy) is retiring in one year and moving – you bet – to Texas.

All roads lead to hell (in a pick-up truck). Where the temperatures break 100 every single day, and there’s more pride (and prejudice) than a Jane Austen novel.

So here I am.

Now for the icing on the cake: I kinda like it here. San Antonio, anyway. My job is pretty awesome (especially given the “scenery” of men in uniform everywhere), the people are (generally) really nice, I the racial climate is actually not that bad, and the male to female ratio is probably the REVERSE of that in Atlanta (Thank you Jesus, and the U.S. military). Plus I love my apartment, the area of town I live in, the River Walk, and nightlife, and really I have no complaints (except the heat and – lack of – radio stations). It’s exactly where I think I should be, and where God wanted me, for that matter.

Because like I said before, our plans are pretty ridiculous in God’s eyes. Our words are just fuel for the eternal flame He has burning for our lives.

Yes, I moved to Texas, and yes, I like it here. Who knows what’s next in my life, but since I’ve been here, I’ve found myself eating more and more of the syllables and phrases I've uttered into existence all my life. I would share them all, but there’s honestly not enough room.

So lesson learned. You should learn from me, too. Always make sure your words are sweet like honey because you are certain to taste them in the future.

Back in the day, God would have withheld my entrance into the promise land for saying some slick mess out the side of my neck.

Thank goodness He seems to have since (the Old Testament days) developed a profound sense of humor.

Bon apetit!

Black girl, eat your heart out

Let me start with a disclosure: this post does not apply to all black women.

But I can predict with 95% confidence (and as of today, I'm exactly 3 months from a higher-level degree in statistics) that if I'm not referring to you, then I probably am referring to someone you know. So take notes... (for them, of course).

About a week ago, I was reading one of my favorite controversy-stirring blogs, and observed an excess of virtual head-snapping and finger-waving taking place over the hot topic of interracial dating. I didn't comment at the time, but some of the arguments were infuriating me in a way by which I did not even realize I could be offended. After all, I usually straddle the fence for most racially-driven topics, being that I come from two very different cultural backgrounds. Furthermore, I always sympathized or identified with some of the arguments being made; even if I didn't agree with them myself, I could see where they were coming from on some levels. But suddenly it hit me, and I realized... I just don't feel that way at all anymore. In fact, I'm adamently against those sentiments, and I've decided finally to take a stand and clarify some things that might cause me to lose some friends - but that need to be said anyway.

So here goes.

Men don't just like me because I'm light-skinned and have long hair. And it's degrading to me that you seem to think so. I have so much to offer a man besides my looks and my ability to make pretty babies. I'm intelligent, vivrant, driven, fun, educated, positive, loyal, spiritual, and a host of other adjectives that make me more than worthy of a good man. Just because a man doesn't want you and does want me does not mean there's some visibly identifiable explanation you can utilize to make yourself feel better. I mean, if you want to raise your self esteem, you should probably try changing the things about you that men don't like, which is not your skin color or your hair. It's probably your stank @$$ attitude.

Mixed/Hispanic/other race/ and yes, even WHITE women are no "easier" than black women. Unless by easy, you mean NOT PETTY. But even then, we'd have to pull out the photo finish on that one. For some reason, some women get it in their minds that everyone else is just lying on their backs waiting for a man to come stick it in, while you, oh nubian princess, are just putting up way too many obstacles for a man to overcome in order to get the juice. The real hard truth is - sorry to inform you - the proportion of black women I know that will put out in a relatively short period of time is similar, if not equal to that of any other race. Furthermore, being in a relationship with ANY woman is a struggle. Ask yourself this: why do you make it so difficult for a man to keep you satisfied, anyway? What are you trying to prove? Because the only person you're hurting is yourself. Then you end up alone and mad that he's "through with black women" based on his experience with you.

No white/latin/mixed woman is out to get your man. And if they are, it's probably a personal vendetta against you and it has nothing to do with your race. Maybe you just have a really good man. You shouldn't bring him out in public so often. But seriously, it really frustrates me when (Becky) starts to date a guy that no one even wanted before she had him, and now all of a sudden, everyone is like, oh, black girls ain't good enough for him, blah blah blah. When he was tryin to get at you, oh beloved brown-skinned beauty, you wouldn't give him the time of day. Now all of a sudden you're mad that he moved on to someone (or something) new? Get over yourself. Stop trying to play the victim and take responsibility for your own actions. There's a reason black men turn to other-race women, and it rarely has to do with effort. It usually has to do with black women letting good men pass them by while they try and work things out with these thugs and sluts, and then wanting them to still be there when they realize Mr. Thug and Mr. Slut will never change. That'll drive even the most devout chocolate-lovers to at least dip in the caramel, if not immerse themselves in milk. Oops, your loss.

Lastly, you are not that different from anyone else. So stop giving me the excuse that you just can't date outside your race because a white or hispanic man will never understand where you come from. Yes, there are things that are unique about the plight of a black woman, but no more unique than anyone else's individual struggles. Black men certainly don't understand black women, so what's the difference, anyway? Stop whining and complaining long enough to see the similarities between you and everyone else, and you won't feel compelled to play the victim card every chance you get. If all good black men are gay or taken by a white woman, then go find yourself a white man (or be gay). And if you don't want to step outside your comfort zone, how dare you accuse a man of wanting something "easy" when you're doing the exact same thing??

The world is a'changing. It's time we let go of lame, tired excuses and embrace our similarities while celebrating our differences.

Trust me - I've been there. It's nothing but a burden.

Just let it go.

Better late than never...

I meant to write this on the 1st, but people are still texting me "Happy New Year" messages, so what the heck...

I learned a lot in 2008. Perhaps more than I wanted to learn, since lessons can be difficult for the hard-headed. But I thought I would share some insights for the new year. After all, I don't believe in resolutions; I believe in actions. What I do believe should happen in the new year is that we can all look at what we've gone through in the past year, and "resolve" to learn from our mistakes. So here goes:

1. What goes up must come down. No, I'm not talking about gravity, though I'm told this is also true in the realm of physics. What I'm talking about is that when life gets to be so good that you're happier than you've ever been, the only place to go from there is down. And it's usually waaayyyy down. I heard a song the other day, and I don't know what song it was or even what kind of music I was listening to, but I just remember the words went something like, "The same friends you saw on your way up, you'll see coming down." I hit the ground hard in 2008. I thought I had it all together, but "let him who stands take heed lest he fall." In 2009, I'll be better prepared for Newton's law.

2. You see it how you call it. 2008 was the year of regrettably fulfilled prophecies for me. It seems like everything I said might happen, did. I kept predicting the worst case scenario, and then witnessing it. And I couldn't help but wonder, if I had never called it, would it have ever happened? Am I tapping in to my psychic powers, or is there such thing as speaking things into existence? "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." It doesn't feel any better to know that you predicted something once it happens. If anything, you feel stupid for continuing down a path you knew was headed straight for a cliff. In 2009, I'll try to maintain a positive outlook on everything, and more importantly, I'll shut the hell up.

3. God saves us. Simple, right? Well, not always. Sometimes, when you're going down a road you shouldn't be on (or when you're travelling with someone you shouldn't be with), God throws a boulder right in your path that forces you to turn around. Sometimes, He (intentionally) accidentally hits you with the boulder and you have no choice but to wake up from your unconsciousness with a completely different perspective than you had before. Getting hit with a boulder hurts... yes (another concept of physics). But sometimes it's the only way to get your attention, and to make you see just how far you have fallen from the path that was intended for you. This story illustrates this concept (it's also kind of funny if you think about it). "I have come here to oppose you because your path is a reckless one before me." In 2009, I plan not to get bitten by any (more) asses (God is so clever).

What mistakes did you make in 2008? How will you "resolve" to make it better in 2009? One thing I know for sure is this: all of life's lessons are already written out for us. We just have to take the time to read them. So in 2009, my only real resolution is to gain a closer relationship with God, which comes with prayer and by reading the Bible. That way, I don't have to look at the lessons I've learned in retrospect; but rather, as words on a page that simply stayed right there.

Harry had a point

You all know the scene.

When Harry met Sally's famous lunch discussion about how men and women cannot be friends. Harry insists that in order for a man to want to be friends with a woman, he is most likely attracted to her, and if a man is attracted to a woman, eventually his attraction will lead him to have feelings and/or want to have sex with her. Even those he's not attracted to, sex will still get in his head eventually and lead to the friendship's ultimate demise.

For nearly twenty years, I have argued the exact opposite point. I insisted that I was living proof that men and women could be friends without sex getting in the way because I had successfully maintained a lifetime of male friendships without any problems (ok, very few anyway). But today, after some intense self loathing, I've decided to admit that (deep breath)... I was wrong.

(Straight) Men and (straight) women cannot be friends.

Because even if sex does not get in the way, something else definitely will. This is not to say that women can successfully hold friendships with ANY species, women, men, dogs, or else. Okay, maybe dogs. But specifically for this entry, allow me to address the problems with the male/female friendship at least from a female perspective.

1. The first is most definitely Sex/Attraction. As much as you try and deny it (women), if your male besty is in the least bit attractive, you've wondered at least once what being with him would be like... at least with regards to a relationship, if not in reference to some sheets. You might have even told him some drunken night how you feel about him, or you say it jokingly all the time because you know he'll never take you seriously. But in reality, you're hoping just once he'll admit to being secretly in love with you too, and then you'll live happily ever after and tell your grandkids the story of your friendship-turned-romance. Whomp whomp. Not gonna happen... at least not statistically speaking anyway. As soon as you spill the beans and/or sex/relationships/love gets in the way, there's no going back to old pals. One of you will never be able to look the other one the same way again.

2. And then there's Jealousy. You know, that feeling you get when you're wearing shoes on a day that ends in y. Meaning not often, of course. Maybe you've seen one of his girlfriends and started to compare yourself to her and decided you're better for him by far. Or you even subconsciously attempted to sabotage his relationship when you saw how happy he was and wondered if he'd be that happy with you. And of course you get angry when he starts to spend all his time with her, taking away from the time he usually spends kickin' it with you... Telling her his deepest darkest secrets when he used to tell you. Sharing some secret codes or inside jokes that he only had with you... Which always leads to the ultimate "choose" situation that either you or she (most likely the latter) will evoke, and of course he will choose the vagina over you. And goodbye friendship. Because even if he decides he made a mistake (aka it doesn't work out between them two), you're not some toy that can be put aside when a better one comes along and then picked back up at his liking. Uggghhh!

3. This third one is most familiar to me these days. I like to call it Betrayal. It's when he stabs you in the back because as both a male and a friend, he gets stuck between a rock and a hard place and chooses the hard place (yes homo). For instance, perhaps all the hanging out you do allows him to get close to one of your best female friends, and then when you and her get into your (inevitable) cat fights, he takes her side and you've been friends with him all your life and he's known that trick like 5 months and how dare he... Or maybe they keep their little relationship on the DL (from only you because they think you will feel left out and/or won't approve), and when you find out, you feel like you just lost your two best friends because they couldn't even trust you enough to tell you something like that or that they lied to you in the first place... Better still, you start dating one of his friends and when that guy cheats or lies to you, Mr. Male Friend not only knows about it and chooses to keep it from you, but he's in on it because he's trying so hard to put bros before hos that he forgets you were supposedly like a sister to him. Not to mention you're one of the reasons they started being friends in the first place. So now you feel like your so-called friend never gave a crap about you at all. And it breaks your heart to even think of him, much less talk to him or see him ever again.

If it's not one of these things, I guarantee it will be something else. Think about it, how many grown adults (like your parents' age) do you know with best friends of the opposite sex?? Probably the same as me... 0. The thing is, I guarantee you they did once, and they don't anymore. Because it doesn't work out.

The bottom line is, males and females just cannot be close friends. Okay, friends, yes. By that I mean talk every few months and rarely hang out and definitely don't know each other's deepest darkest secrets. But if you have a friend of the opposite sex that you consider one of your bestest friends, my advice is to run now and run fast. Don't wait for the inevitable. Because it only gets worse with age and time. And when it does happen, it will hurt so much more than you could ever imagine.

Trust me. I should know.