Harry had a point

You all know the scene.

When Harry met Sally's famous lunch discussion about how men and women cannot be friends. Harry insists that in order for a man to want to be friends with a woman, he is most likely attracted to her, and if a man is attracted to a woman, eventually his attraction will lead him to have feelings and/or want to have sex with her. Even those he's not attracted to, sex will still get in his head eventually and lead to the friendship's ultimate demise.

For nearly twenty years, I have argued the exact opposite point. I insisted that I was living proof that men and women could be friends without sex getting in the way because I had successfully maintained a lifetime of male friendships without any problems (ok, very few anyway). But today, after some intense self loathing, I've decided to admit that (deep breath)... I was wrong.

(Straight) Men and (straight) women cannot be friends.

Because even if sex does not get in the way, something else definitely will. This is not to say that women can successfully hold friendships with ANY species, women, men, dogs, or else. Okay, maybe dogs. But specifically for this entry, allow me to address the problems with the male/female friendship at least from a female perspective.

1. The first is most definitely Sex/Attraction. As much as you try and deny it (women), if your male besty is in the least bit attractive, you've wondered at least once what being with him would be like... at least with regards to a relationship, if not in reference to some sheets. You might have even told him some drunken night how you feel about him, or you say it jokingly all the time because you know he'll never take you seriously. But in reality, you're hoping just once he'll admit to being secretly in love with you too, and then you'll live happily ever after and tell your grandkids the story of your friendship-turned-romance. Whomp whomp. Not gonna happen... at least not statistically speaking anyway. As soon as you spill the beans and/or sex/relationships/love gets in the way, there's no going back to old pals. One of you will never be able to look the other one the same way again.

2. And then there's Jealousy. You know, that feeling you get when you're wearing shoes on a day that ends in y. Meaning not often, of course. Maybe you've seen one of his girlfriends and started to compare yourself to her and decided you're better for him by far. Or you even subconsciously attempted to sabotage his relationship when you saw how happy he was and wondered if he'd be that happy with you. And of course you get angry when he starts to spend all his time with her, taking away from the time he usually spends kickin' it with you... Telling her his deepest darkest secrets when he used to tell you. Sharing some secret codes or inside jokes that he only had with you... Which always leads to the ultimate "choose" situation that either you or she (most likely the latter) will evoke, and of course he will choose the vagina over you. And goodbye friendship. Because even if he decides he made a mistake (aka it doesn't work out between them two), you're not some toy that can be put aside when a better one comes along and then picked back up at his liking. Uggghhh!

3. This third one is most familiar to me these days. I like to call it Betrayal. It's when he stabs you in the back because as both a male and a friend, he gets stuck between a rock and a hard place and chooses the hard place (yes homo). For instance, perhaps all the hanging out you do allows him to get close to one of your best female friends, and then when you and her get into your (inevitable) cat fights, he takes her side and you've been friends with him all your life and he's known that trick like 5 months and how dare he... Or maybe they keep their little relationship on the DL (from only you because they think you will feel left out and/or won't approve), and when you find out, you feel like you just lost your two best friends because they couldn't even trust you enough to tell you something like that or that they lied to you in the first place... Better still, you start dating one of his friends and when that guy cheats or lies to you, Mr. Male Friend not only knows about it and chooses to keep it from you, but he's in on it because he's trying so hard to put bros before hos that he forgets you were supposedly like a sister to him. Not to mention you're one of the reasons they started being friends in the first place. So now you feel like your so-called friend never gave a crap about you at all. And it breaks your heart to even think of him, much less talk to him or see him ever again.

If it's not one of these things, I guarantee it will be something else. Think about it, how many grown adults (like your parents' age) do you know with best friends of the opposite sex?? Probably the same as me... 0. The thing is, I guarantee you they did once, and they don't anymore. Because it doesn't work out.

The bottom line is, males and females just cannot be close friends. Okay, friends, yes. By that I mean talk every few months and rarely hang out and definitely don't know each other's deepest darkest secrets. But if you have a friend of the opposite sex that you consider one of your bestest friends, my advice is to run now and run fast. Don't wait for the inevitable. Because it only gets worse with age and time. And when it does happen, it will hurt so much more than you could ever imagine.

Trust me. I should know.

Spare some change

Okay, okay. In my defense, I didn't have a laptop cord for like 6 weeks throughout November and part of December. There were times I wanted to write, but I couldn't bare to sit at my desk in that cold computer room in the middle of the night just to blog to no one. I especially had some fun topics for post-election drizzle (fo shizzle). But I missed all that. And I feel like part of myself is missing, too.

Here goes it.

A friend recently (like 5 minutes ago) asked me what has changed in me in the past year since I started this blog. Looking back at my first entries, I realized what changed in me is the thing that made me who I was... what changed in me was the change in me.

Last year, I was becoming the person I had always wanted to be... I was in love with Jesus and I eventually loved myself as a result. I was working on being a good person and doing the right things, and I stood my ground and kept myself pure in many ways. It was a good road to be on. And I don't know if it was the trip to Uganda (or unfortunate companions) or the culture shock of coming back to this world, but something happened along the way (what used to be happy was sad...) and now I feel like I'm back at one.

What makes it so easy to go back, and so hard to move forward?

Is change not change no matter which direction?

Why is it that it took me 2 years to be "good" and only 2 months to get... ugly? It's like weight (a subject I know all too well). It could take you a month to gain back something it took a year to lose. Losing weight takes a lot of time, energy, and money. And so does losing bad habits. I haven't been able to do either since my last entry. And I'm just starting to understand why.

It's mostly our own fears that keep us from doing the right thing, but it has a bit to do with other people as well. Sometimes I think, well everyone already thinks I'm this way, and everyone's going to think it's fake if I try and change, so I may as well stay the same. But that's ridiculous. Why am I going to sacrifice my salvation so others won't think I'm fake? What will those people mean in the end anyway? I'm the only one who has to live for me, so what does it even matter?

We have to stop letting our fears get in the way of our blessings. If I know what I need to be, and I'm not that, then nothing's stopping me but myself. I have no obligation to that self-fulfilling prophecy to be whatever it is everyone says I am. Every day I get the chance to change into whomever I want to be. That's the beauty of being saved. My mistakes yesterday don't affect my chances to be better tomorrow.

You can be different... And if you're not Jesus, you probably should be different.

If you were waiting for some sign from God in order to change your life, let this be it. You don't have to be perfect in order to be better. You just have to be better.

--

I know this is a bit introspective but it's been awhile. Just had to get that off my chest. Bare with me.

Obama will not be President

It’s about time I start being real with myself: as much as I’d like to believe this country has learned from its 8-year mistake of Bush and 400-year mistake of racism, the truth is, unfortunately, they both still very much exist (if I had to choose one to disappear completely, it would be a tough choice).

What brought me to this devastating realization was not the assassination plans nor the Bible-huggers on tv nor even the bigots I encounter daily living in the South. No, those things never surprise me. The thing that caught me off guard, sadly, was the blatant discrimination that exists so very close to home—in my own family.

This might come as a surprise to you, especially given all my talk of black pride and black power lately. But there are members of my family that are perfectly willing and able to discriminate and stereotype against black people (aside from the fact that black people discriminate against other blacks all the time)… and unfortunately, as much as I or my mother would like to deny it… they do.

That’s not to say they all do. Perhaps not even most. But for those (family and non-family members alike) who are able to hide behind some other rationale for not voting for, if not flat out hating Barack Obama, let me clear some things up so that you can come out of the closet already.

1. Barack Obama is NOT a Muslim. In fact, like most of you, he is indeed a Christian. He was born to a Muslim (not-present) father and a non-religious mother. He chose Christianity. He wasn’t just born into it, barely practicing or believing it for himself. He grew up knowing many different beliefs, and in his twenties, he made the choice to become Christian. That speaks volumes about his beliefs. And furthermore, even if he were Muslim, why is it that important? To hate someone based on their religious beliefs… well that’s not very Christian at all, now is it?
2. Barack Obama is NOT the anti-Christ. And furthermore, that’s one of the silliest things I’ve ever heard. Here you have someone talking about hope, faith, and love… those three things the Christ himself spoke of. Here you have someone who wants to use his position to help the poor, to bring healthcare and jobs to the masses, to bring our great country out of this spiritual and economical turmoil we have undergone due to the past 8 years of bad leadership. To say he is the opposite of Christ is blasphemy itself. Come up with something better.
3. Barack Obama is NOT JUST BLACK. For goodness sake, his mother is white. The woman who raised him, taught him everything, and brought him up most likely to know little about his African heritage since his Dad was not in the picture. He’s no more black than he is white. Why is it that everyone only sees half of the picture? Open your eyes.
4. Barack Obama DOES NOT have significantly different platforms than most other Democrats. If anything, his are better. He wants affordable healthcare, lower taxes for the poor, creation of jobs for Americans in America, immigration reform, women’s rights, gay rights, and less breaks for the wealthy and big corporations. You know; the stuff that like 80% of our country needs. So if you supported either of the Clintons or Kerry or Gore, but don’t support Obama, you might want to ask yourself, honestly, why. Because it can’t be because of his politics.
5. Barack Obama is NOT off killing babies or marrying gay people. Unfortunately, in this country, you’re either for something or against it. Gay people should have rights. Point blank. If you don’t agree with the lifestyle, or if you think it’s an abomination, that’s your opinion. But if you’re going to vote based on this issue that has nothing to do with you and has NEVER hurt anyone, go ahead. It worked really well for us these past two elections. Why not a third? Mind you, abortion is wrong. Straight up. It’s murder. But giving women the right to choose is no different than giving killers access to guns under the second amendment. You’re not telling them to kill… they still have to make the choice to do so and deal with the consequences, be it in heaven or on earth. But you are giving them the choice, say, to be prepared under extenuating circumstances. We can’t help those who go a whole other route with it. People are going to find other ways to kill each other, just like women will find other ways to abort (hangers, for instance, are amazing alternatives).
6. Barack Obama is NOT the answer to all our problems. Not even close. Chances are, he’ll get in the white house and be dodging bullets the whole time. But the way he has motivated the young people in this country to get out and make changes… the way he has brought our country together despite our differences, and the way he inspires hope in a nation that has lost its faith… is the miracle in itself. We believe in democracy again. We believe in the power of hope and change. We believe in America… for the first time in a long time. And it didn’t take a national tragedy to do it. If he isn’t elected… it will do more damage to our nation than perhaps even a terrorist attack. Because it will cripple us at our weakest point. We may never believe again.
7. Barack Obama is NOT against the troops. Like most of us, however, he is against the war. Want to talk about murdering babies? How about all the children that have died as a result of this war on oil? Nothing good has come out of our presence in Iraq; we have wasted too many lives for nothing. Gas prices have tripled since Bush came to office, and here we are talking about gay marriage. Wake up. McCain wants to keep sending more troops to Iraq, when even Bush’s dumb ass finally got the picture and admitted we need to pull out. I think we can all agree that we should support our troops; we should support them by bringing them home.
8. Barack Obama has NOT been wishy-washy with his politics. McCain, on the other hand… wow. McCain went from being one of the most liberal Republicans in the Senate to now being a staunch conservative prick. I supported McCain in the past two elections back when he was real. He literally did a complete 180 for this election so he could get the Republicans back who hated him before. And for those who didn’t know anything about his politics before—well, that’s our collective amnesia working to benefit those in power once again.
9. Barack Obama is NOT perfect. Not by any means. He’s going to make mistakes just like any other President. He has less experience than other people, but we can all attest to the fact that quantity does not always mean quality. He will never live up to the expectations some people have for him. And like all Presidents, he will not be able to execute some, if not many of his promises. But one thing that will remain true is that he will not stop fighting for the common man. He will not take corporate bribes to support his own personal interest. He knows what it is to be a working class person in this country, and he has not forgotten from whence he came.
10. NOT VOTING AT ALL IS NOT BETTER THAN VOTING FOR OBAMA. And I wonder about the intelligence levels of individuals who seem to think so. By not voting, you are giving the power back to the politicians, and revoking it from yourself. You are surrendering your very existence in this country. You forfeit your ability to protest, be angered, or complain about anything that goes on over the next four years. Because if you do not vote, you did nothing to attempt to change your present situation. “In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” -Martin Luther King. If you know the right thing to do and you don’t do it, you’re worst than those who do wrong, because they don’t know any better and you do.

The bottom line is this country is in despair. We are desperate for something new, something better. And the power is now in our hands. It’s time we put aside all our prejudices, our differences, and our fears, and start replacing them with love, tolerance, and understanding. It’s not enough just to say we don’t discriminate. It’s time we act upon it. And it’s not enough just to say we’re tired of our present situation. It’s time we change it.

You make the call.

You're a Nigga

That’s what my boys yelled when Jacob, who had never played Charades before, pulled his skully over his head, sagged his pants a bit, and pretended like he was rapping. The word we gave him was rapper. The word we heard, instead, was nigger.

Pause.

Rewind 24 hours. Push play. I was at the pool Sunday enjoying my day off and getting some African sun, when out of the blue, they busted out the speakers and started blasting hip hop. The first few songs… not so bad. Chris Brown, Keyshia Cole, my favorite African song, Love is Not a Crime (I’m bringing it back to the States, you know this). But then, we broke into the Lil Wayne, Ludacris, Fabolous, Jay-Z, Jermaine Dupree, etc., and I quickly realized that the uncut version of so many radio songs are completely inappropriate for public use—so much so, that I was becoming extremely uncomfortable listening to the words of the songs I knew so well. I kept thinking, all these people here, African and Western both, are looking at me in disgust because I am the ONLY black American at this pool and this is how everyone thinks we talk.

Nigga this, Nigga that. I ain’t never ran from a nigga, Nigga what, f* a nigga. Beat that nigga. Damn.

I suddenly realized why the week before, someone at the internet café asked me if one of my parents was a nigga. And in retrospect, I know why Jacob was thought to be imitating one. Here we are talking about white Americans not knowing any better but to use the words we use for each other. Wow. We have no idea what the world thinks of us. We have no idea that in Africa, people think the word for Black American ACTUALLY IS “Nigga.” We have no idea that the only way the rest of the world sees us is through movies and videos, in which we are gangsters, strippers, and drug dealers. We have no clue… that the knowledge we take for granted that what is seen on tv is not how it really is, is the exact representation of ourselves that the rest of the world views as reality. That to everyone else in this world… we’re just a bunch of niggers.

Pause.

Let that marinate for a minute.

If you knew that you were being called a nigger by everyone else in the world, would you continue to use that word in your daily language? Would you still support rappers that use the word in every sentence? Would you continue to watch films that display blacks… display YOU as a thug or a whore?

If your answer is yes, then maybe this isn’t for you. And furthermore, you should probably ask your parents or grandparents how they feel about that, and then ask yourself again.

If your answer is no, then walk with me for a minute.

The other day, I had a (Ugandan) friend tell me one of the most profound things I had never thought of before. He said that Africans, historically, are a lot like Jews in the Bible. Enslaved, plagued with war, disease, poverty, hunger, corruption, and death. In the end, he said, it was those who stood by their faith in God that were delivered to the promise land. “For us (Africans),” he explained, “the promise land we are awaiting will be heaven. But for black Americans,” he stopped, looked away, and swallowed the lump in his throat. “For black Americans, you are already in the promise land. You just don’t realize it.”

I was speechless.

Could it really be true? Could it be that God knew all along that America would be the place where blacks would eventually be delivered from desolation? What if 300 years ago, your ancestors’ ancestors were brought here in chains so that you could be free today? Every day since I’ve been here—every single day—I see something else that makes me thank God I was born in the US. But have I been so naïve to forget just how that came about? In order for me to be born into prosperity, free from disease, war, and enslavement, my great great great grandparents had to be shackled and chained. Just like the Jews in the Old Testament… only they knew all along where and why they were going.

We still don't realize where we've come from.

Because if we knew it… if we really understood how far we’ve come… we wouldn’t be getting tangled up in the words, images, and lifestyles that put us back in chains. We wouldn’t be taking advantage of the freedom our ancestors fought and died for. Instead, we would be actively erasing the word nigga from our collective vocabulary. We would be supporting images of prosperity, education, and pride. We would be giving back to our communities and helping others so that as a people, we might share this promise land. And we would not allow the distance we have yet to travel, keep us from recognizing how far we have come… keep us from recognizing that we are the delivered ones. We are God’s chosen people. And if everything we do and say do not represent Him, then everything He has done to bring us here was in vain.

Think about it.

Now push play.

Bringin' Beautiful Back

Today, I did an exercise with my kids (teenagers) to explore colors. We asked them to name their favorite color, name something that is that color, and tell how it makes them feel when they think of or see that color. To be honest, I fully expected nothing but blank stares from uninterested adolescents when we introduced this activity. The first group was able to name their favorite colors, but didn’t get much further into it than that (the blank stares kicked in). The most common colors, however, were black and brown, but they could not explain what they thought of or how they felt when hearing that color. The second group (my angels) jumped right into describing red, the color of blood, making them think of war and danger, or yellow, the color of sunshine, making them think of health and happiness, or white, the color of angels, making them think of peace and friendship. It was pretty amazing to hear all their ideas, and to see the smiles that emerged on their faces quickly after realizing they said something we thought was brilliant. But the thing that struck me the most was the amount of times I again heard the colors black and brown; only this time, it was used to describe their skin.

And what words do you think came to mind when they hear the word black?

Beauty. Life. Pride.

I didn’t realize those responses would affect me so much. Growing up in the US, we learn that black is the color of death, sin, and evil. The dictionary defines black as synonymous with all things dark and bad. And I was naïve enough to think that this was the definition pretty much across the board. White is good; black is bad. Brown is ugly and undesirable. I didn’t even know I had the choice to think something different. Something so simple as the meaning of colors—it took me 24 years and a trip all the way across the world to understand—I had the choice to define it myself.

“I like brown because it is the color of your (my) skin, and of the earth. It makes me think of beauty and life.” “I like black because it is the color of my (their) skin and of the (Ugandan) flag. It makes me think of beauty and pride for Africa.”

As many times as I’ve heard or even said “black is beautiful”, I’m not even sure that I believed it for myself. It’s just some cliché we’ve adapted as black Americans to raise our pride and self-awareness in a country that has taught us to hate even ourselves. But is it not false pride? Do we actually believe that the color black and the color brown are indeed beautiful and proud? In our minds, in your mind, what do these colors actually represent? Ask yourself truly, what do you think of when you think of the colors black and brown? Honestly, can you truthfully say that positive images of beauty and pride and life come to mind?

And if not, isn’t it time we change our minds?

Because I’ve decided to change mine.

I refuse to allow our racist society to dictate the way I define myself and the things that represent me anymore. From today forward, I’m taking back the control over my pride, my beauty, and my life. I’m bringing beautiful back… to black. Because somewhere between civil rights and cell phones, we forgot just how beautiful we were. We forgot that the colors black and brown belonged to us in the first place. That God had given us these colors as a birthright. And that the way we define them is a choice. OUR choice.

And I’ve already made mine.

Falling from Grace

Yesterday, I’m pretty sure I witnessed one of the greatest of God’s creations.

We went on a trip a few days ago to Masindi district in northwest Uganda to visit the first and largest national park in the country. Before going, we had to meet up at the camp site’s headquarters in Kampala to wait for our vehicle and get the other members in our party. So there was a picture of Murchison Falls on the wall, and I was like “Wow… we’re travelling all this way to see one little waterfall? I could have turned my shower on at home to see that.” So the first day, we saw some baboons and warthogs, hippos, and I’m like woot woot. The second day we went on a safari and saw some elephants, giraffes, crocodiles, and more hippos. We went on this 3 hour boat ride to the falls, and when we got there, I all but asked for my money back at the utter disappointment of it. I think even the picture looked better than the falls, which consisted of some water hitting some rocks in the distance. So yesterday, on the way home, we took a hike up the mountain to see the falls a bit closer. Still not impressed. Okay, a bit nicer, but come on. This place is on the top ten things to see before you die. And here I felt like this was some shit I could have created with a bucket and some rocks.

But then we went around the other side of the path, and got about 3 feet away from the falls. Right up to where the rivers collided and hit up against the mountains at such great speeds, it broke through granite rock and created about 4 to 5 rainbows all around it. And I literally stopped in my tracks, sat down to collect myself, and began to cry. I mean, I wasn’t sobbing like a baby or even tearing up all that much. But on the inside, I felt God right then and there, just wrap his arms around me and whisper in my ear the sweetest words of love I can’t even share.

Looking upon it, all I could think was, how could anyone deny that God exists? Nothing, no other power, could create such beauty and splendor. I remembered the day before, I said something along the lines of “I think the Taj Mahal or the pyramids should move up the list above this mess.” But as I was sitting there in complete and total amazement, I heard God tell me that nothing man has ever made could even compare to the wonders He has created on this earth. And it made me laugh… laugh that I was eating all the words I had been saying on the trip thus far. Laugh that the ten or fifteen minutes I spent staring at that waterfall was worth the time, money, and effort it took to get to that point. I laughed. Because all this time, I had been looking for God in Uganda.

And He was right there before my eyes all along.

It almost felt like, selfishly, it felt like God created that amazing display of His majesty so many years ago because He knew that at that moment, at that time, He would find me there. It made me think of His plans for me, and how I tend to try to control things or change things according to my own will, subconsciously thinking that I have to do things myself if I want them to happen. But how silly of me to think that a God who created the earth and the heavens with such magnificent detail, is incapable of accomplishing amazing things in my life and granting me all the desires of my heart. How naïve of me to assume that my plans are in any way better than His plans for me.

In the midst of all this, I thought about the things that I’ve had to witness thus far. The poverty, the injustice, the hunger, war, and despair in Uganda and in Africa as a whole. I thought about how all this time, I’ve been thinking why me? Why did I deserve to be born in a country where freedom is free, where war and hunger and poverty are the exception and not the rule, where clean air, water, and land were the bare necessity and not commodities? Why did I spend my childhood in the safety of my own home, surrounded by love and family and friends, instead of being abducted at the age of 8 to become a child soldier and be forced to kill others, be given as a sex slave, or be killed myself? Why did I dream of rainbows and gardens and unicorns, instead of having nightmares of witnessing my parents be murdered right before my eyes, or of being raped and baring children who would die of hunger or disease, or of the faces of those I was forced to kill?

I thought about how I had been questioning God and His will. How I had been wondering how the same God who delivered me from so much in life, could allow this to happen to people far more innocent and more deserving than myself. And I realized that all this introspection, this existential crisis I had been having here, was like trying to figure out how God created this waterfall. Trying to dissect every drop of water, instead of just admiring its beauty. When it’s not up to me to try and determine His will.

What I should be doing is trying to figure out where I fit in. What my place is—me, just a drop of water—which may seem insignificant, but actually serves as an integral role in God’s creation. And trusting that I might not understand it now, but that it is all part of His will, is the first step to discovering my place on this earth. I am so thankful for this gift from His grace.

“In life, for every question you have… the answer, you will find in nature, if you know where to look.” It’s a line from my favorite movie of all time, The Power of One.

I finally got my answer.