NOT does not mean CAN'T

Let's forget about my political/religious/social platform for a minute. Something has been on my mind lately that I need to get out somewhere, and why have a blog if I can't put my personal feelings here, too, right? Right. Thanks.

Why do females really think they're so damn special?? I mean, this is hard without being too specific but really... I'm so tired of some of my female friends thinking they're the only ones going through what they're going through, or who do what they do. I can't even verbalize my frustration. It's not all my friends; honesly, I have some female friends who really do got it like that but don't feel the need to talk about it. But then there's the ones who say things like "It's different for me because I have men trying to get with me all the time," or "It's different for me because I'm so nice it's hard for me to turn men down," or "My situation is different because I'm not that pressed over him." Or my favorite... "You don't know how I feel because you've never been in this situation before." Have you ever heard any of that out someone's mouth? IT'S ALL A LIE!

What are you trying to say exactly, that because I'm not dating anyone, it means men aren't approaching me just as much as you? Give me a break. Do you really see yourself as that much more attractive than me? Because you're NOT. And even if men weren't trying to get at me, it would probably be because I don't put myself out there like I want every man I meet.

And are you trying to say you're nice like I'm MEAN? I'm not mean honey, I'm just not weak. Not being able to tell men no is not a kindness; it's a weakness.

And you ARE that pressed over him, if you weren't you wouldn't be talking about him all the time/wasting your time with him/stalking him/calling him/telling everyone you're his "favorite girl"/whatever.

And PLEASE child, we have ALL been there. You are not the only woman who has ever been stuck on a man or dating several men at once or catching feelings for someone with a girlfriend or so lonely you're dating losers or helpless over some idiot who treats you like crap or putting some man before God. We have ALL been there once or twice and those of us who made those mistakes are exactly the ones who CAN give you advice; so stop saying "You act like you weren't this way with whatshisface" because I WAS and I MOVED ON which is EXACTLY why I know you can do better.

Furthermore, have you ever thought about the fact that you might be offending people with all your talk about it being "different for me because..."? "Different" implies that I am the opposite of whatever comes after the "because". No, I'm not dating. But that doesn't mean I've never dated anyone before. No, I'm not having sex. But let's not forget that I was not always abstinent. No, I don't believe in cheating or having an affair with someone who's in a relationship. But that doesn't mean I haven't been that girl before. No, I don't have a problem telling people "no." But that doesn't mean I haven't been weak before. And NO, I AM NOT IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN WHO LIES TO ME AND TREATS ME LIKE SHIT BUT LET'S NOT FORGET I WAS THERE FOR 3 LONG YEARS!!!!!!!

Do you really think you're so special???? Get over yourself.

I CHOSE this lifestyle. It's not some default cuz I can't get no man. I CHOOSE to be alone; that doesn't mean I'm not happy or that I can't waste my time with someone the way you do. Stop trying to play me like "I'M NOT" is code for "I CAN'T". Cuz if I wanted to be like you (and like I was before), I would. I CHOOSE not to.

And if you could see the view from here, you would make that choice, too.

Christians need a new name

Or maybe we can keep our name, and those other people can change theirs.

Allow me to elaborate...

Have you ever heard a Jewish person say they're Jewish by heritage but not by faith? Or contrarily, a Sammy Davis, Jr. or Charlotte from Sex & the City who's Jewish by faith, but not by culture.

Well I think we need to differentiate those of us who believe in Jesus Christ and accept Him as our personal Savior, and those who were born into the Christian heritage, but are not necessarily practicing Christians themselves.

Because Cultural Christians, over the years, are truly giving Christianity a bad name... That name is Hypocrite.

I arrived at this epiphany when I was befriended by someone on Facebook whose name I didn't recognize. I looked at his profile to try to see if I knew him, and everything "about him" was cursing and f*cking b*tches and h*es and n*ggas. It wasn't just a few words, either. I mean, I certainly don't want to be the pot calling the kettle a n*gga. But this was above and beyond; enough for me to think, wow... Why in the world would someone want to represent himself in such a disgraceful way? Then I scrolled back up curiously to glance at something I often overlook in someone's profile. "Religion: Christian". Yeah. Cultural Christian.

But that's just a small example of a Cultural Christian. Have you ever noticed that the rappers and singers who become successful promoting drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, and all forms of sin to young people, will always thank God on their album notes or upon receiving the Grammy? I mean, it's one thing to be a sinner; we all fall short. But to glorify sin, to encourage impressionable young people to follow your immoral lead... and then to attribute your vile successes to God, as if He supports your choices, or as if it just dissolves the sin to acknowledge Him... To commercialize Christianity that way. Just screams hypocricy. Cultural Christianity... it needs a new name.

It's not to say Cultural Christians don't believe in God and Jesus Christ; in fact, most of them probably do. It's just that believing in God and Jesus Christ isn't the only definition of Christianity. Striving to be Christ-like, seeking forgiveness, and loving one's neighbor are just a minimum. Of course we don't all get there at the same time... But if you're not there yet, please. Do the rest of us a favor and stop denigrating the Christian name. I'm sure that God you keep referring to doesn't appreciate it any more than I do.

Let's review.

The Klu Klux Klan is a "Christian" organization. Nazis were "Christians." Adolph Hitler, Fidel Castro, Benito Mussolini... Roman Catholic (Christians). Slave owners, yep, believers in Jesus. Our great nation's President... (sigh) you get the point. Cultural Christians. I think we have tarnished the name of Christ long enough...

It's time to get a new one.

Am I destined to marry a prude?

I've been thinking about this for some time.

I'm celibate, right. And because I plan on waiting (again) until marriage, it's highly likely that the man I'm going to marry is going to be on the same track, or else it won't really work out. So if he's willing to wait, he's either gonna have to be gay (and as we've discussed, I've had enough gay boyfriends for a lifetime so I'll pass) or a devout Christian like myself. Which leads me to my dilemma...

Can a good Christian boy also be a freak?

It's a reasonable concern. I mean, most serious Christian guys I meet view sex as some kind of dirty sin, something that one should only take part in for reproductive purposes. Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but seriously... Generally speaking, if a guy has a really dirty mind, he's usually already acting upon it. So those who are not participating, I can only assume, either do not have, or are relentlessly supressing the freak within.

I know what you're thinking. If a woman (me for instance) can be a virgin or a born-again virgin, and a closet freak (to emerge from the proverbian wardrobe only when wed), why can't a guy? Well I'll tell you why. Because men are sexual beings. Their nature is to spread their seed and it's exponentially more difficult (on average) for a man to control his sexual urges than a woman. So if he's not sexually active, it must mean that he's on the lower end of the spectrum of inner sexual desire. Now, of course there are exceptions to every rule, but in general, I think this is true. The more spiritually devout a man is, the less likely he is to be sexually uninhibited, as the two are fundamentally conflicting. Which leads me to my quandary. My attraction to good guys just might be my ultimate sexual demise.

And that really sucks.

Let's face it, in my sexually active days (how long ago they were indeed), I liked a little... fun (Keepin' it PG-13 in the '08). And the only "God-fearing" man I ever dated used to look at me like I was crazy when I would share with him some fantasy or desire that the average guy (and my other exes) would melt over. Sure, he would reluctantly adhere after a little convincing, but he never truly got into it like I wanted him to, which made it worse than not "spicing it up" at all. I thought it was just him, but come to think about it, it might actually have been his mental association of sexual deviance to religious immorality (which thanks to my highly inappropriate mother, I never made that connection).

So basically, I might be waiting 5 or more years for a lifetime of boring sex. And that makes me want to cry. I mean seriously, I have always looked forward to getting married and having lots of kinky, wild, public, role-playing, third party, swinger, videotaped, tied up, s&m, exhibitionist, ridiculously crazy, freaky sex. Damnit I waited for it, I deserve it. But if my husband isn't into that kind of stuff, I just might be counting cracks on the ceiling for the rest of my sexually active life. And there's no way to sample the product without breaking my vow of abstinence, so basically I'm just screwed (or not screwed, actually).

So when it comes down to it, if I meet someone who loves God, loves me, takes care of me, gives me lots of babies, never lies or cheats, is a good father and a good husband... but is bad in bed... Will I still be satisfied? Are sex and happiness mutually exclusive? At the end of the day, I hope I don't have to think about this and that I'm blessed with a good Christian man who also happens to be a freak. But in the event that I can only have the former and not the latter, I wonder...

Is bad sex a trade-off for a good life?

Homophobia is killing Negroes

I read a disturbing article today at work.

It stated that though we make up only 13% of the population, African Americans make up 49% of new HIV/AIDS cases in the United States. It also reported that about half of black men with HIV contracted the disease through homosexual contact. Meanwhile, 3/4 of black women with HIV contracted it through heterosexual contact. Now, I'm no statistics major (ok, fine I am), but those numbers just don't seem to add up. The only thing I can come up with is that despite America's best efforts to reduce the high HIV and STD rates in the black community to minorities engaging in more high-risk sexual behavior and intraveneous drug use (which actually is emperically INCORRECT), the reality is, infact, that homophobia is killing black people.

Still not convinced? Let's just think about this a bit. Homosexuality is without a doubt, a lot less accepted in minority communities than in mainstream (white) culture. Sure, there's that one guy who does hair or dresses in drag and calls himself "Miss Jay" that we generally acknowledge is a fruitcake. But when it comes to the average, deep voice, no-swishin', no-lisping, masculine prototypical black man, we just don't want to admit to ourselves that there's a possibility (about 1 in 12 chance to be exact) that he might actually like to take it up the rear. Whether it be our deep ties to Christianity (I'm still looking for that commandment, thou shall not be queer), our general reluctance toward the discussion of sexuality and sexual behavior, or simply our sinful pride, we as a people make it extremely hard for homosexual men to be openly gay in the black community.

So what do gay black men do? They have girlfriends, get married, have children, live a normal life in the public eye, all while satisfying their general inclination toward the male sex in private (You know I wanted to be more explicit but it's 2008). Meanwhile, they're spreading a disease that originated in the gay community (no offense queers, but it's true) to now be a black epidemic.

And it's all our fault.

Ok, fine. Black men also need to take responsibility for their careless behavior and get tested, be aware of their status, and be honest about their sexuality. But we as a community also need to make some changes. We need to stop being so closed-minded about homosexuality and start being more open about sex in general. Because not talking about it doesn't make it go away. Infact, it just means we're not doing anything about it and allowing diseases like HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and genital herpes (all of which blacks have the highest rates) to infest our community.

And frankly, why do we even care? What people do in the privacy of their homes is their damn business. I have a lot to fix about myself in order to get into heaven; I don't have time to be worried about anyone else.

This is an easy fix to a cataclysmic problem.

And furthermore, everyone needs to get tested; not just homos. Fear of testing positive is a pathetic excuse for not protecting yourself and everyone else. PERIOD.

By the way, if any of my exes (none in particular) is reading this and feels inspired to come out of the closet, I will support you and love you regardless. :) :)

All my friends are bastards...

And most of my siblings are, too.

It's sad, but true. Most of my friends and siblings either don't know, or spent most of their childhood with negligent or non-existent fathers.

And I think it's the downfall of our society.

Not to say bastards are always messed up. Or that those of us with fathers have it all good (my father's other daughter, for example, tops the list of screw-ups). I'm just saying... I can think of a lot of people who seem to find trouble everywhere they go, and most of them, coincidentally, are fatherless.

Allow me to introduce exhibit A: my friend, we will call her Nameless. Nameless knew her father growing up; infact, he practically lived up the street. But let's face it, he was... careless. Without going into too much detail, we'll just say he always found some way to screw things up. Nameless' mom did the best she could as a single parent, but a girl needs a father, if anything just to tell her he loves her and she's beautiful so she doesn't go looking for it elsewhere when she grows up. We were already grown by the time Nameless' dad got his act together. And while he's cool now, the damage has already been done.

Nameless has pretty much spent the past 4 or so years, dealing with the scum of the earth... we'll call him Peanut Butter & Jelly. PB&J is synonymous with, I dunno, the first thought that comes to my mind is that gum/trash mixture that gets stuck on the bottom of your shoe, that it seems like the more you try to remove it, the messier it gets, and eventually you figure it's better just to cut off your foot than to spend another second dealing with that mess. Yes, that's Peanut Butter & Jelly. Anyways, no matter what he does, no matter how many times she catches him with another woman, or two, or three, she just keeps going back to him. And the only explanation for this masochism I can come up with is that she really doesn't think highly enough of herself to believe she actually deserves better than the scum of the earth. Which is sad. Because Nameless is beautiful, intelligent, loving, and kind. She deserves eons more than him. She could saw her entire leg off and still be better off.

But the bastards... they never know their own worth.

Nameless is just one example. Every time I see a woman in some degrading music video, porno, prostitute, crackhead, or in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship... Every man I see dealing drugs, in jail, cracked out, a drop out, or emotionally or physically abusing women, I think... Bastard.

It's a shame. Single mothers, I got nothing but love for what you do. Shoot, I might even end up a single mother one day, too. But the truth is, children need their fathers. The best single mother in the world still doesn't compare to a stable two-parent environment. Men need to step up. People are screwed up enough as it is to go adding to it by being a sperm donor.

Man up and be a father.

And to those of you who are already bastards... please, WAKE UP. Realize your worth. Men and women, don't let your sperm donor dictate what you become in life. Be better than him. The best way to pay him back for all he's done to hurt you is to do just fine without him...

You most of all, Nameless.

Nakupenda Kenya

This wasn't supposed to be my first post. I was going to talk about why I'm doing this, what I hope to gain, something about me, my hopes, my dreams, I dunno. But all that's on my mind these days is Kenya.



It's not like everything else. I mean, you hear about Rwanda, Sudan, Liberia, everything, and you can just look and go "Oh, how sad. We should do something about it." But Kenya is the only place I want to just jump out of my skin. It is truly the most beautiful country with the most amazing people I've ever been on the planet. And the fact that this is happening there... it just takes the wind out of me. And what's worse, I haven't heard from anyone. I've sent emails, instant messages, texts... No one has responded. I have friends in Eldoret, where the church was burned, and Nairobi... Seeing the pictures on the news, looking at places I've been in flames or with people lying dead on the ground. In my heart, I think I'm looking for my friends...


I know what you're thinking, 300 people died, big deal. What's the probability it's someone you know? But that's not even what scares me. It's the fact that this is how it always starts. A few revolts over some election gone awry, a burned church in a country that holds religion and God above all... What's next? 300,000 lives? 2 million displaced? How long will this go on? When will it be time to start worrying about my friends? When will it be okay for me to look through pictures of the dead and displaced for a familiar face? When will it be okay for me to cry for a country, for a people I love so much??

Because it's NOT just news. It's NEVER JUST NEWS. These are real people...

I wrote out this wonderfully long speech about how we need to do something about it and stop separating ourselves from things that are far away, but the truth is, that's not helping either...

The truth is, all we can do is sit and wait. For an update, a death toll, a news break...

Just do me this one favor, just realize... when you're looking at those numbers, those pictures, that news report, just realize... that's somebody's mother, sister, husband, brother, child...

Those people are real people. And we are NOT exempt. Tragedies like this don't just happen in Africa; revolutions and uprisings can happen anywhere. Don't take your blessings for granted. Being able to walk around freely in your country and not have to worry about men and children with guns and machetes, you are already so very blessed.


We all come from Africa. If God is the Father, she is our mother.

Kenya, salama ya kuonana. Nakupenda sana, na natamani ungekuwepo hapa mama Africa.