To me, you're worth it

Oh, come on, you know it was only a matter of time before I snuck a movie line in here somewhere. Don't you know me at all??

But seriously, in light of recent (awesome) incidents in my life, I thought I'd share my opinions on a common misconception amongst young women, and even sometimes men, when you first start dating: this whole idea that when things are so good, something bad must be on the way.

You know you've thought it. Might even be thinking it right now.

The reason we allow ourselves to endulge in such wasteful thought processes is not because we actually think all people are screwed up and will show their "true colors" (what does that mean anyway; are we all wearing fake colors? Can my true color be darker, cuz it's winter and I'm lookin a little pale these days) in due time; in fact, this notion is really just a mask for our subconscious realities. When actually, the thing that we really fear is that WE are not worth someone so great.

And that's just sad.

Because in the meantime, while we're putting up these walls, lowering our standards, and broadcasting our negative expectations, we are merely setting ourselves up for failure. It's called a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you assume someone is going to mess up, they'll do it just to prove you right. And honestly... what do we get out of knowing we were right, anyway? Does it feel ANY better to have your heart ripped out, just because you knew it was coming all along?? Allow me to answer that for you: no. It doesn't. It hurts just as bad. In fact, sometimes it hurts worse cuz your dumb ass knew it was coming all along, and stayed with that person anyway. So maybe we're all better off being blind optimists. At least, if they hurt us, we can say we never saw it coming... And if they don't hurt us, we're not cheering them on to do so in the meantime.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying just fall in love with everyone you meet. I mean, clearly, if there are red flags going up all over the place, and if your gut is telling you they're shady, you should probably go with your gut. But honestly, if someone is just right in every way, if they seem to call right when you want them to call, do exactly what you want them to do, like you just as much as you like them, you know... all the good stuff... Don't sell yourself short by assuming it's all too good to be true. Ever think they just might be thinking the same about you?? Ever think YOU might be too good to be true, too?

And why shouldn't you be? You're awesome. God made you in His image, which means you're kind, loving, intelligent, beautiful, and perfect in every way for someone out there... And if you happen to find them, don't go screwing it all up with your own insecurities. YOU ARE WORTH someone who treats you right, takes care of you, loves you for who you are, and trusts you with all their heart. THEY ARE WORTH you. And even if they're not, even if they end up being something different altogether... You can't allow the fear of losing keep you from playing the game. All things happen according to His will, so if it doesn't work, it will only mean that something better is out there for you.

Furthermore, you can walk away knowing that you gave it your all and didn't hold back. You can walk away knowing there is nothing you could have done differently that might have changed the outcome. You can walk away with your integrity. And that is worth so much more than being right.

Just take a chance. You never know how absolutely *perfect* something could turn out to be... You never know... it might just be worth it.

Cuz to me, you're worth it. ;)

True Fasting

So, as some of you know, I took my Lenten season fast to new heights this year. After talking with a good friend about active vs. passive fasting, I decided to go balls to the walls (probably not a good metaphor here), and take my spirituality to a whole new level. So during this new and improved fast, God has been really good to me, and has shown me all kinds of amazing things I would have never seen otherwise. I'd like to share some of that goodness with you.

Aside from recently aqcuired giddiness (assisted by a bittersweet end to my dating fast), God has given me a lot of peace of mind since my last (angry) post (sorry about that). I re-discovered that being happy with myself has nothing to do with the words or actions of others, and that maybe the problem I had with my "friends" was actually one that could be addressed within ME. It truly takes a bigger person to admit that. I am happy to oblidge.

Also, I have found that joining a small group at church, despite many years of resistance, has truly enlightened me and given me yet another reason for inner peace. I know there are people praying for me out there, I know I am held accountable for my actions by some very special individuals, I have people fasting with me (for once!), and most of all, as simple as it may sound, I know there's someone to sit with at church, so I have no excuse not to go!! You'd be surprised how important that can be. Motivation is essential in all aspects of life.

Furthermore, creating and leading a Christian group at RSPH has been a blessing in so many ways. I finally brought up GOD in class for the first time, and I felt good about it. I didn't feel like I was going to be attacked or ridiculed for my religious beliefs, and I knew that someone had my back because I recognized some people from the group in my class. It felt good just to say it out loud. I felt like I was coming out of the closet as a Christian. In fact, every day I feel more and more like I'm getting comfortable with being the "C" word. And I can't even believe I was ashamed or afraid in the first place. In fact, I can't believe we as a culture have been so afraid of the "C" word. It is truly as if Christianity is equivalent to Intollerance in our society, so much so that Christians fear offending people just by being who they are.

Sometimes, I understand white guilt. I understand feeling like as a majority, you have to be ashamed of your heritage and attempt to make up for others' mistakes by overcompensating and hiding in the shadows.

Allow me to be the first black person to say-- being white really sucks. I hate the feeling of having to hide or suppress my pride of being a majority. And I don't want to live that way anymore. I'm not GOING to live that way anymore. And neither should anyone else.

All this to say, I'm sorry for not posting in such a long time. School and work got me pretty tied up, but I haven't forgotten about you. Furthermore, I will be fasting until Easter, and what I know about fasting is that it allows you to reach new heights with your relationship with God and His ability to answer prayers if you're willing to make the sacrifice. So if any of you need prayer right now, PLEASE don't hesitate to ask. One thing I know is that prayer changes things; changes people.

I, for one, will never be the same.

True Fasting:

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?book_id=29&chapter=58&version=31

NOT does not mean CAN'T

Let's forget about my political/religious/social platform for a minute. Something has been on my mind lately that I need to get out somewhere, and why have a blog if I can't put my personal feelings here, too, right? Right. Thanks.

Why do females really think they're so damn special?? I mean, this is hard without being too specific but really... I'm so tired of some of my female friends thinking they're the only ones going through what they're going through, or who do what they do. I can't even verbalize my frustration. It's not all my friends; honesly, I have some female friends who really do got it like that but don't feel the need to talk about it. But then there's the ones who say things like "It's different for me because I have men trying to get with me all the time," or "It's different for me because I'm so nice it's hard for me to turn men down," or "My situation is different because I'm not that pressed over him." Or my favorite... "You don't know how I feel because you've never been in this situation before." Have you ever heard any of that out someone's mouth? IT'S ALL A LIE!

What are you trying to say exactly, that because I'm not dating anyone, it means men aren't approaching me just as much as you? Give me a break. Do you really see yourself as that much more attractive than me? Because you're NOT. And even if men weren't trying to get at me, it would probably be because I don't put myself out there like I want every man I meet.

And are you trying to say you're nice like I'm MEAN? I'm not mean honey, I'm just not weak. Not being able to tell men no is not a kindness; it's a weakness.

And you ARE that pressed over him, if you weren't you wouldn't be talking about him all the time/wasting your time with him/stalking him/calling him/telling everyone you're his "favorite girl"/whatever.

And PLEASE child, we have ALL been there. You are not the only woman who has ever been stuck on a man or dating several men at once or catching feelings for someone with a girlfriend or so lonely you're dating losers or helpless over some idiot who treats you like crap or putting some man before God. We have ALL been there once or twice and those of us who made those mistakes are exactly the ones who CAN give you advice; so stop saying "You act like you weren't this way with whatshisface" because I WAS and I MOVED ON which is EXACTLY why I know you can do better.

Furthermore, have you ever thought about the fact that you might be offending people with all your talk about it being "different for me because..."? "Different" implies that I am the opposite of whatever comes after the "because". No, I'm not dating. But that doesn't mean I've never dated anyone before. No, I'm not having sex. But let's not forget that I was not always abstinent. No, I don't believe in cheating or having an affair with someone who's in a relationship. But that doesn't mean I haven't been that girl before. No, I don't have a problem telling people "no." But that doesn't mean I haven't been weak before. And NO, I AM NOT IN AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN WHO LIES TO ME AND TREATS ME LIKE SHIT BUT LET'S NOT FORGET I WAS THERE FOR 3 LONG YEARS!!!!!!!

Do you really think you're so special???? Get over yourself.

I CHOSE this lifestyle. It's not some default cuz I can't get no man. I CHOOSE to be alone; that doesn't mean I'm not happy or that I can't waste my time with someone the way you do. Stop trying to play me like "I'M NOT" is code for "I CAN'T". Cuz if I wanted to be like you (and like I was before), I would. I CHOOSE not to.

And if you could see the view from here, you would make that choice, too.

Christians need a new name

Or maybe we can keep our name, and those other people can change theirs.

Allow me to elaborate...

Have you ever heard a Jewish person say they're Jewish by heritage but not by faith? Or contrarily, a Sammy Davis, Jr. or Charlotte from Sex & the City who's Jewish by faith, but not by culture.

Well I think we need to differentiate those of us who believe in Jesus Christ and accept Him as our personal Savior, and those who were born into the Christian heritage, but are not necessarily practicing Christians themselves.

Because Cultural Christians, over the years, are truly giving Christianity a bad name... That name is Hypocrite.

I arrived at this epiphany when I was befriended by someone on Facebook whose name I didn't recognize. I looked at his profile to try to see if I knew him, and everything "about him" was cursing and f*cking b*tches and h*es and n*ggas. It wasn't just a few words, either. I mean, I certainly don't want to be the pot calling the kettle a n*gga. But this was above and beyond; enough for me to think, wow... Why in the world would someone want to represent himself in such a disgraceful way? Then I scrolled back up curiously to glance at something I often overlook in someone's profile. "Religion: Christian". Yeah. Cultural Christian.

But that's just a small example of a Cultural Christian. Have you ever noticed that the rappers and singers who become successful promoting drugs, alcohol, sex, violence, and all forms of sin to young people, will always thank God on their album notes or upon receiving the Grammy? I mean, it's one thing to be a sinner; we all fall short. But to glorify sin, to encourage impressionable young people to follow your immoral lead... and then to attribute your vile successes to God, as if He supports your choices, or as if it just dissolves the sin to acknowledge Him... To commercialize Christianity that way. Just screams hypocricy. Cultural Christianity... it needs a new name.

It's not to say Cultural Christians don't believe in God and Jesus Christ; in fact, most of them probably do. It's just that believing in God and Jesus Christ isn't the only definition of Christianity. Striving to be Christ-like, seeking forgiveness, and loving one's neighbor are just a minimum. Of course we don't all get there at the same time... But if you're not there yet, please. Do the rest of us a favor and stop denigrating the Christian name. I'm sure that God you keep referring to doesn't appreciate it any more than I do.

Let's review.

The Klu Klux Klan is a "Christian" organization. Nazis were "Christians." Adolph Hitler, Fidel Castro, Benito Mussolini... Roman Catholic (Christians). Slave owners, yep, believers in Jesus. Our great nation's President... (sigh) you get the point. Cultural Christians. I think we have tarnished the name of Christ long enough...

It's time to get a new one.

Am I destined to marry a prude?

I've been thinking about this for some time.

I'm celibate, right. And because I plan on waiting (again) until marriage, it's highly likely that the man I'm going to marry is going to be on the same track, or else it won't really work out. So if he's willing to wait, he's either gonna have to be gay (and as we've discussed, I've had enough gay boyfriends for a lifetime so I'll pass) or a devout Christian like myself. Which leads me to my dilemma...

Can a good Christian boy also be a freak?

It's a reasonable concern. I mean, most serious Christian guys I meet view sex as some kind of dirty sin, something that one should only take part in for reproductive purposes. Okay, that might be an exaggeration, but seriously... Generally speaking, if a guy has a really dirty mind, he's usually already acting upon it. So those who are not participating, I can only assume, either do not have, or are relentlessly supressing the freak within.

I know what you're thinking. If a woman (me for instance) can be a virgin or a born-again virgin, and a closet freak (to emerge from the proverbian wardrobe only when wed), why can't a guy? Well I'll tell you why. Because men are sexual beings. Their nature is to spread their seed and it's exponentially more difficult (on average) for a man to control his sexual urges than a woman. So if he's not sexually active, it must mean that he's on the lower end of the spectrum of inner sexual desire. Now, of course there are exceptions to every rule, but in general, I think this is true. The more spiritually devout a man is, the less likely he is to be sexually uninhibited, as the two are fundamentally conflicting. Which leads me to my quandary. My attraction to good guys just might be my ultimate sexual demise.

And that really sucks.

Let's face it, in my sexually active days (how long ago they were indeed), I liked a little... fun (Keepin' it PG-13 in the '08). And the only "God-fearing" man I ever dated used to look at me like I was crazy when I would share with him some fantasy or desire that the average guy (and my other exes) would melt over. Sure, he would reluctantly adhere after a little convincing, but he never truly got into it like I wanted him to, which made it worse than not "spicing it up" at all. I thought it was just him, but come to think about it, it might actually have been his mental association of sexual deviance to religious immorality (which thanks to my highly inappropriate mother, I never made that connection).

So basically, I might be waiting 5 or more years for a lifetime of boring sex. And that makes me want to cry. I mean seriously, I have always looked forward to getting married and having lots of kinky, wild, public, role-playing, third party, swinger, videotaped, tied up, s&m, exhibitionist, ridiculously crazy, freaky sex. Damnit I waited for it, I deserve it. But if my husband isn't into that kind of stuff, I just might be counting cracks on the ceiling for the rest of my sexually active life. And there's no way to sample the product without breaking my vow of abstinence, so basically I'm just screwed (or not screwed, actually).

So when it comes down to it, if I meet someone who loves God, loves me, takes care of me, gives me lots of babies, never lies or cheats, is a good father and a good husband... but is bad in bed... Will I still be satisfied? Are sex and happiness mutually exclusive? At the end of the day, I hope I don't have to think about this and that I'm blessed with a good Christian man who also happens to be a freak. But in the event that I can only have the former and not the latter, I wonder...

Is bad sex a trade-off for a good life?

Homophobia is killing Negroes

I read a disturbing article today at work.

It stated that though we make up only 13% of the population, African Americans make up 49% of new HIV/AIDS cases in the United States. It also reported that about half of black men with HIV contracted the disease through homosexual contact. Meanwhile, 3/4 of black women with HIV contracted it through heterosexual contact. Now, I'm no statistics major (ok, fine I am), but those numbers just don't seem to add up. The only thing I can come up with is that despite America's best efforts to reduce the high HIV and STD rates in the black community to minorities engaging in more high-risk sexual behavior and intraveneous drug use (which actually is emperically INCORRECT), the reality is, infact, that homophobia is killing black people.

Still not convinced? Let's just think about this a bit. Homosexuality is without a doubt, a lot less accepted in minority communities than in mainstream (white) culture. Sure, there's that one guy who does hair or dresses in drag and calls himself "Miss Jay" that we generally acknowledge is a fruitcake. But when it comes to the average, deep voice, no-swishin', no-lisping, masculine prototypical black man, we just don't want to admit to ourselves that there's a possibility (about 1 in 12 chance to be exact) that he might actually like to take it up the rear. Whether it be our deep ties to Christianity (I'm still looking for that commandment, thou shall not be queer), our general reluctance toward the discussion of sexuality and sexual behavior, or simply our sinful pride, we as a people make it extremely hard for homosexual men to be openly gay in the black community.

So what do gay black men do? They have girlfriends, get married, have children, live a normal life in the public eye, all while satisfying their general inclination toward the male sex in private (You know I wanted to be more explicit but it's 2008). Meanwhile, they're spreading a disease that originated in the gay community (no offense queers, but it's true) to now be a black epidemic.

And it's all our fault.

Ok, fine. Black men also need to take responsibility for their careless behavior and get tested, be aware of their status, and be honest about their sexuality. But we as a community also need to make some changes. We need to stop being so closed-minded about homosexuality and start being more open about sex in general. Because not talking about it doesn't make it go away. Infact, it just means we're not doing anything about it and allowing diseases like HIV, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and genital herpes (all of which blacks have the highest rates) to infest our community.

And frankly, why do we even care? What people do in the privacy of their homes is their damn business. I have a lot to fix about myself in order to get into heaven; I don't have time to be worried about anyone else.

This is an easy fix to a cataclysmic problem.

And furthermore, everyone needs to get tested; not just homos. Fear of testing positive is a pathetic excuse for not protecting yourself and everyone else. PERIOD.

By the way, if any of my exes (none in particular) is reading this and feels inspired to come out of the closet, I will support you and love you regardless. :) :)